September 26, 2002
11:38 PM  ()

...'rats & rabbits'.
anyone seen this movie? weird.

i'm kind of lonely and bored, i think i'm going to go hang out with my dog. he's cool, sometimes.

2:56 PM  ()

...heather doesn't like the
Kyoto Protocol.

September 25, 2002
11:14 AM  ()

...rrrockstarrr2.
finished book number two. "queer" was a great insight as to how patheticly sad and depressed this man was, and how deprived he was. like i said, there was that one part that made me want to cry for him. i sympathize, and he's still so damn interesting. wow. i'm blown away. Allerton really does remind me of people I know in my life now. Amazing. Weird.

note to kt: you have to give me your new phone number!

7:38 AM  ()

...rrrockstarrr.
i'm more than three quarters of the way through "queer" now, i started reading last night and before i knew it i was kind of... almost finished. time just flew past. i like that, but now that means i need another book. something by kerouac i figure, my favorite, or... i kind of want to check out franz kafka. i haven't read anything by him yet, so i might do that. anyway, this book i'm reading now is great, i almost cried when burroughs explained himself as "Lee" curled up and sobbing on his bed because of letting himself become hurt by Allerton's ways. The way Allerton deals with Lee really reminds me of a lot of people in my life, sometimes even myself. Mind you, I'm not finished, so I don't completely know what Allerton is like, but so far... yeah. Bye.

September 24, 2002
9:59 PM  ()

...first book finished.
i don't know, i kind of liked today, except for the fact that i didn't really do much.
one. woke up fairly late, mom's not too angry with me, actually... she's not at all. so that was pretty cool. i went to school, hung around in the library for half an hour until their lunch was over reading "junky"... went to social class and flew through the test that's supposed to take two days. (hah, my mom's watching sopranos behind me and the girl just vomitted all over the questioning table, that was great.) anyhow, i finished reading "junky" in english class because we never do shit all in that class. meagan and myself are usually the only one's in the classroom, everyone else is in the library. i believe there's only about fourteen people in my class, they're all stupid, and i mean personality wise, they're rude and inconsiderate. except for one boy, and the new kid. they're both really quiet. kind of interesting. i like people like that, quiet, seem to have a story about them. everyone has a story, but i'd honestly rather not hear the stories from those people that don't shut their mouths and say nothing but sexist/racist/homophobic comments. dementia.
two. work. we're doing some bingo thing, i swear i'm going to win. actually, i probably won't. i just like to think i am. we have to upsell a bunch of products and when we do this, we print off the reciept and put it where it goes on the bingo sheet until we get a "black out"... eh, whatever. shift was alright, keith g's (old man) pretty rad. he's fun. jeff came to see me. stole a cigarette. etc.

i'm excited about starting to read "queer". note to cliff: i knew about all that stuff on william s. burroughs, you sent me to a website after i read "on the road", remember? what stuff you ask? oh, just stuff about burroughs killing his wife and then fleeing to europe and then dying. yeah, they were a weird bunch, but they were pretty damn interesting i'll tell you that. i love reading. i've missed it. rawr.

i hate things right now, but i'm still so damn calm about everything. let's go for another cigarette, shall we?

11:02 AM  ()

...to those who missed last night.
you missed a good show, a really good show. kirby, i expected you to be there damnit! the wednesday night heroes were awesome, i want to steal the lead singer and... i'm not sure. but i want to steal him. he's great. i bought one of their 7" lp's and it's pretty good, i'm listening to it right now actually. anyway, six string rebels played first, they're always great... and, all the way from new york, the slackers played last. they had everyone moving, it was more of a slow ska, but it was still a lot of fun. i got home pretty late last night, the only thing that sucks about that is i've lost my "car privaleges" and i haven't written my social paper that's due today yet. fuck. i should probably do that right away, the thing is though they learned all about what they're supposed to write about when i was sick, and i haven't really caught onto it yet, i know what they're talking about but i just don't know what i should write. i'll probably just bullshit my way through it as i do with most papers, i usually pass them. hah.
you guys missed a great show last night.

September 23, 2002
11:16 AM  ()

...just here for the cure.
as you may have noticed, i've put a comments forum up for each of my entries, you can say what you want, you can make fun, you can swear, you can tell me i'm hideously ugly, or you can tell me you love me or reply to the entry itself. no one will use it, i know this, but it's there just in case.

i'm almost finished the first book. i should go get ready for school.

September 22, 2002
2:21 PM  ()

...wine at the bookstore.
yesterday was kind of fun. i took mike, levi, and heather into calgary to go see some bands that were playing at olympic plaza, but by the time we got there it was over. so we decided to hang around stephen avenue for a while. where charisma used to be, there's this new amazing bookstore, and it seemed like the place to be at the time and i wanted to find a book or two (in which i did, i'll get to that later). anyways, after i bought my books i asked the lady why exactly i was her "first sale" and why all these people were here dressed fancy, drinking wine, etc. turns out they had opened not even an hour before we got in there, it was their grand opening. so, we're all standing there with fancy wine (and i'm talking good wine, not shit wine... free wine), me holding levi's skateboard. we looked so out of place, mike was acting as sophisticated as he could, as was levi. it was the most hilarious thing, it was so great. us among all these dressed up really old people with a jazz band playing behind all of us. it was quite the sight, and then we left... and got to the car at sunridge and sped around the parking lot hitting bumps in the road and getting air with the car and screeching all over the place listening to the hives. it was great. i had a good day yesterday, ended it with a few free beers at brydon's place and a walk home which included a great talk with heather. i love talking with her like that, it's fun.

now, it's time for me to get in the shower, read more of this book ("junky", by w.s.burroughs, i also bought "queer" by him) because i love it. rob recommended it to me forever ago, i'm glad i bought it. i was going to borrow it from him but i haven't seen him in for-fucking-ever. insanity. now the phone's ringing. hm. i'm really tired, i just got off work. 6-2 shift. ouch.

September 21, 2002
4:23 PM  ()

...i know exactly what goes on.
man, last night was pretty rad. i'm so happy i ran into nolan and brian again, that was damn sweet. hope to hear from scott soon, if not, that's fine, i'll just go on wondering about him. hah. (not scott from ontario, scott from calgary.) hot little rocket played a wicked show last night, they're great. it was a small show, i love small shows. i met katie oslie, she's so pretty! i love her, i hope i can do something with her soon. she's great. and jordan, oh, that kid's amazing. i saw a lot of people last night that i hadn't seen in such a long time, and the girls (jocelyn, meagan, and heather) i was with seemed to have a pretty good time too. excellent. last night was a happy night.

today's a different story, i feel like shit, i look like shit, i don't feel good about anything right now. oh well. i'm going somewhere. so that's nice. i just got off work... ew.

September 20, 2002
9:55 AM  ()

...screaming reminds me of then.
i'm still sick, but i'm up now and ready for school. my mom and i have already had a fight, i don't like fighting with her. i'm not a morning person, it's not uncommon for her and i to have a go at one another in the morning. so, i may have lost my chance to use the car tonight, according to her. i'll get it, i'm going to this show tonight. i must see katie, and there's a chance i'll see rob too, and jordan. this excites me. i haven't seen them in such a long time, maybe kevin will be there. excellent. i should e-mail aaron and let him know i'm coming in to town for the show.

sigh, i'm so weak right now.

September 19, 2002
1:41 PM  ()

...maybe i should hate you for this.
the weather's getting colder, i'm kind of pleased about this... i'm not sure why. i just like it when the sun goes down earlier in the evening, i'm a night person, i like sitting in the dark and listening to my music and thinking thoughts that have already been thought. that cozy feeling comes with winter, that reddish orange colored light in the evening combined from the television, the lamps or indoor fires. i don't know, it's nice. i like it. plus, i get to stay in the house because it's too cold, not because i have nothing to do.

katie oslie called me last night, that was great. it surprised me. the phone starts ringing around ten o' clock and it kind of scared me. hah, i didn't know who it was at first, i felt like such an idiot. oh well, she sounds just as amazing as i thought she would. she's going to be a lot of fun, i know this. i hope to see her this friday at the show at the underground, her and i have yet to meet. we've planned it so many times or just missed each other by a second. ah well, i hope i'm better by tomorrow. screw it, i'll go anyways. people just have to stay away from me. hah.

i'm all ready to go somewhere now, i'm dressed, i've made myself look pretty, but i can't go anywhere. i always do this, i'm always dressed and ready to go nowhere. i don't know, i guess i just like feeling ready. i can't lazy around in my pajamas for too long, i start to feel gross and well, lazy. even though i am a pretty lazy person. i used to love it, not getting dressed until some time after supper, being lazy, watching tv. but lately i just can't do it, the movie watching i can do (that stuff's quite okay with me, i've got a pretty wicked weird movie channel happenin'), but sitting around doing nothing is something i can't do. i'm usually always doing something, whether that be getting ready for work or school or to go into calgary or even out my front door... or maybe i'm always ready to go somewhere because i think one day i will be going somewhere, and i won't be planning on coming back.

September 18, 2002
4:35 PM  ()

...................... pow.
i'm almost to the point where i'm in the middle, being stuck in between two worlds, desperately trying to make that jump into the right one but still deciding which way i should be heading... even though we all end up in the same place in the end. it's not exactly my age that does it, because i feel a lot older than i should, so i'm already in the frame of mind that i shouldn't be here, i should be off on my own doing things that help me experience and learn more from life than i already have. i need to be travelling, mentally. i don't need to go too far geographically in order to find myself, i'm sure. or maybe i do, it all depends, doesn't it? depends on where i feel at home, where i finally find myself to be. where i'm finally comfortable.

i'm not at home right now, i don't feel at home, even though i'm sitting in my own basement, typing on my own computer, about to watch my own movies and fall asleep on my own couch under my own blanket. i don't like this feeling, i feel like a visitor in my own home, i feel like i'll be leaving the next day anyway, so things just don't matter... but i'm not leaving. i won't be leaving until some time next year. i'm impatient, but i'm somewhat content with this disorientation, this uncomfortableness that i'm feeling. it's okay, because i'm safe for now. i'm still a child, i'll always be a child, vulnerable and afraid of the damage that the real world can and will do to me... but i almost don't care, i want it to happen, i want it all to happen. it's amazing, all of it just simply fucking amazes me. it's fantastic. the world is such a sickening place, but i love it. live life, love life, even if you'd normally be at the point where you just want to shoot yourself. this place does disgust me, as it should, people are horrible. but i'm still fine with it, i'm an observer, i'm a writer, i keep track of what i observe and i'm excited to see more. all i want to do is see more.

8:21 AM  ()

when everything is dead... i never want it to hurt more than it should.
so, to add to everything else i'm catching right now (by the way, it's not mono, it's just a stress induced cold and it's made the effects of a small cold into something huge) i have fucking pink eye. this is fucking gross. it's viral, so it's not extremely disgusting, but it's still gross. my eye waters excessively and it's... it's just not right. i don't like it.

i'm really starting to miss ontario.
oh yeah, and another thing that's aggrivating me is that i'm missing school when i really shouldn't be. and i'm not fucking faking it this time so i can't sit on my ass and be proud of myself for conning my parents into thinking i'm sick, i actually have to sit here and do nothing because i don't feel like doing anything at all. man, if i fail this semester because of this crap (which is doubtful, but still scary) i'm going to rage.

September 16, 2002
3:01 PM  ()

and i will meet you there...
i'm sick. i'm exhausted. i'm tired. i work too much. nothing's new. i might have mono. but it might not be mono. i don't know what the fuck it is. i have a doors video i have to watch. i'm bored. i'm going back to sleep.

September 10, 2002
2:40 AM  ()

this should have been said to him a long time ago.
This is to a boy that needs to get his fucking head on top of his shoulders and not up his ass. Although his feelings are real and usually understandable, I just don't fucking get him sometimes. That's right, this is to you. You, the one who keeps shutting me down every fucking time I try to know you, try to be honest or treat you as some fucking sort of a friend. I can never understand why exactly you do this, do you purposely fucking wait until I say something so you can just flip out at any random time at me? There's something wrong with this, there's something wrong with you, and whatever it fucking is, just let it go. You need to fucking let things go, stop holding them inside. Even though you prefer not to share your feelings with others, just let things go. This doesn't mean you have to say a word, just fucking accept things the way they and and work on trying to progress into something a lot more worthwhile than sitting on your ass and feeling sorry for yourself. If you ever read this, you'll probably never talk to me again, but I don't plan on trying anymore. So I don't really care what you think about this. I cared about you, I tried to let you know that, but you really didn't acknowledge that, did you? Fuck, you act like I fucking tore you apart or something, when I did shit all to you. I'm fucking sick of this, I'm sick of you trying to make me feel like an idiot, I'm sick of you failing to know yourself, I'm sick of you just fucking failing in general. Fucking go somewhere, just go somewhere.

You need to take a look around you and realize that it's not all that fucking bad. Holy shit. If I can do it, you can.

September 08, 2002
10:57 PM  ()

i've been cursin' here, all night.
so, i finally got myself hooked up with my own skateboard. it's pretty hot, i figure. black label.

anyway, shit hit the ceiling last night between heather & phil, which sucks... i'm apparently supposed to drive chris out there next saturday night, i'll have to make sure i have the car, because i have to come straight back and kick it with amanda and heather, or so i recall...

uh. yeah.

September 04, 2002
3:28 PM  ()

yes.
i have some rad spares happening, guys. it's pretty sweet. i get to sleep in on monday's and tuesdays until noon.. well, i don't sleep in, but i get to stay home until then. and other neat stuff like that. i hope i don't have to get rid of it, oh well, i'll have it for a week or so before i have to, if i have to. i don't think i do. this is neat.

i have to go to work now.

September 03, 2002
8:23 PM  ()

dazed and confused...
haha, yes. i must mention this first. a bunch of the grade twelves decided they'd pull a "dazed and confused paddle fest" on some of the new grade niners. it was fucking hilarious. pointless, but hilarious. adam, colleen, and myself just sat back by adam's car with whatever he had playing for music and watched on a big concrete block. it was quite exciting.

so, the first day of school is over. it was... the morning was horrible. i already skipped today, but i'm dropping that class. they put me in the wrong one. ah well. i better get at least one spare this semester, i have one next as well. rawr for spares. i don't know, grade twelve really isn't that exciting. i despise school, as always. one of the girls, actually, most of the girls are big jokes. i pissed off a few today, not nessicarily on purpose... okay, yes i did, but it's great because i get away with it. hah.

i've got a story in my head, but i don't know how to put it down on paper. i got some new nice ink pens afterschool though, so i'll probably go crazy with them. i'm weird like that... a new pen, a fresh sheet of paper... brings much joy to heather. especially when she can't get to sleep and she's doing nothing but sitting on her bed wondering when the fuck she'll doze off. my mommy bought me some new clothes today too, it was pretty sweet. i don't usually do the whole "buy a lot of clothes because it's fun" thing, it's very rare... and i was willing to pay half, but she didn't want that deal so it's fine with me. i'm buying myself a skateboard on friday, if all goes as planned. i'm excited about this. haha, i'm such a poser.

heather's birthday on thursday, i have to buy her something. hopefully she's allowed to get her tatty's. they'll be hot.

September 02, 2002
9:53 PM  ()

school starts tomorrow...
i am not happy about this at all. not one bit. this is gross. i hate school with a passion. and i have no supplies. heh, funny.

ew. ah well.
- i'm worried about you, cliff. i hope you're alright.

i worked with jeff today, it was funny as usual. hm. ugh, i don't know what to say. cherry slushies are awesome... uh, and i'm running out of cigarettes. oh yeah, and pregnant smokers fucking suck.

September 01, 2002
2:39 AM  ()

well i've been cursing here all night.
so tonight was good. i enjoyed tonight. last night was weird. drank lots. didn't get drunk. i don't understand it quite yet. i have a farmer looking picture to share with you all... of... you guessed it... my damn stomach. actually, it's a picture of my tattoo that i took for my BMEpage, but you'll survive. i figured out what i want so far for the other tat's that i'd like to get.