October 30, 2002
11:46 PM  ()

...the movie was good. so was coffee.
sort of like a jumpstart. the cold outside is affecting me in a weird way, i think. i'm not sure if i like it yet or not. and apparently the drama continues, in which i didn't know about. kind of sad, really. i'm tired of this. i'm sure everyone else is as well.

my god, she's fun. i so totally enjoy being around her. i'm excited for friday. and saturday. i'm excited about getting a new job, even though i haven't started looking yet. my brain's hurting, i'm getting a headache again because of the drive home. i should have kept the music off or turned down low, rocking out to yourself when you're tired and driving home which is about thirty minutes away isn't a good idea. you get headaches, but it's worth it. it kind of tops off my night, it's been good.

the provincial government sent me some mail again today. this time it's on "THEPLAN" for Albertan climate change, and getting rid of greenhouse gas emissions. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to.

9:23 AM  ()

...i want the world to shut up.
yeah, whatever.

i need to get money from my mom. don't you have a job, heather? yeah, i kind of have no money at the moment. fuck, i suck at this saving thing. anyways, i need to ask her for money so i can go see that bowling for columbine movie tonight. yeah, yeah! i don't wanna go to school.

October 29, 2002
11:30 AM  ()

...the lost art of keeping a secret.
i think i have plans for almost every day until sunday so far. and next weekend's all planned out too, for one of the days at least.
today: seeing as i have to work, i'm going to work. going out with carter afterwards.
tomorrow: hopefully meeting up with kyla.
thursday: i get to be girly and go get my nails done. ha. my hands are absolutely disgusting. they're going to be pretty again. yay.
friday: goin' to see the failure.
saturday: working in the morning, and hopefully that shit at kevin's happens on saturday night, i don't nessicarily want to have to wake up the next morning if it's on friday after a night of partying with those boys. weird boys.
next weekend's friday: mom's birthday. taking mom out for lunch. working from 4-9. then going to kt's place. yay.

i want it to get all blizzard like outside, so i don't have to go to school in half an hour. i have to pick up craig, too. i love that guy. i've known him far too long to be weirded out by him. they all miss scott so much, yet they never seem to call him. they're stupid. ha. plus, scott's not a phone person, neither are they. neither am i. which reminds me, it's scott's sisters birthday today. i'm going to leave a message on their answering machine.

or not. his mom answered. i still think she hates me. but it was nice to hear her laugh. =)

October 28, 2002
10:22 PM  ()

...hm.
so, i have a boyfriend now. heh. awesome.

12:50 AM  ()

...million dollar hotel.
i'm watching this movie at the moment, i'm quite interested. i'm not extremely attentive, i'm occassionally closing my eyes and stretching across the two seater couch and hanging my feet and head over the sides, but i still know what's going on. my friend's asleep on the other side of the room, i'm too lazy to go upstairs for some water or juice to drink (i'm rather thirsty at the moment), and for some reason there's a dustpan on this desk. i am the queen of useless information. never forget it, ever. none of you. ever.

i took heather to the roasterie tonight. i wish we had called kyla to come with, it didn't really occur to me that we could have done that until we got there. i was upset with myself. but at least i got to show heather the place. she likes it. we ran into sahra. she's a nice girl.

i keep getting junkmail in my hotmail account. all this fucking "mail delivery error" bullshit. it's rather annoying. kind of makes me want to slam my head against the desk because of how ridiculous the amounts are when i check my hotmail account. there's maybe one actual e-mail from a person i know in there every four times i check it. uhm.

1. a sip of hell and
2. a dive into oblivion.

October 27, 2002
9:30 PM  ()

...motherfuckin' drinking 'n shit.
so uh, heather and i are having fun. on a sunday night. not having to go to school tomorrow. rawr.

6:00 PM  ()

...hang on.
what the fuck?

9:35 AM  ()

...lacking funds.
kyla's amazing. i love her. she's fun, and she knows what she's talking about. i enjoy that. she's very intelligent, you can see it in her smile. the show was alright, barbara and i came back here and talked until 4 in the morning. i dropped barbara off at work on saturday, picked up kt-o and brought her back here to airdrie for the day. ha, i hope she wasn't too bored, she said she wasn't. she's so cute. my parents love her (and barbara as a matter of fact, they've met a bunch of new people this weekend... well, two). they left us breakfast money. ha. i fell asleep on the floor last night, kt's still sleeping in my room. i should go jump on her. and why does my clock on the computer say it's an hour earlier than it actually is. it wasn't screwed up yesterday. insanity. i have the sniffles. ick.

October 25, 2002
6:59 AM  ()

...my toes are numb.
good lord, must hurry. brain is going to explode. eyes hurt. want to sleep. can't work. too fuckin' early. holy shit.

October 24, 2002
12:49 PM  ()

...it's kinda warm out here.
tomorrow morning's going to be the strangest morning for me ever. i usually sleep in until 9:00 on a friday because i don't have school until an hour and a half later, but tomorrow will be different. why? i have to work for an hour and a half at eight in the morning, so I'll be up at 6 or 7 in order to get ready for work & school. my boss (assistant manager) constance will be maybe driving me to school or home, depending if she's late or not. and she's paying me in cash, because technically if i work that hour and a half, they have to pay me for a full three hours of work, and Keith's (manager) not up for doing that because he's Keith, etc. I don't really care, I have the weekend off, and I don't have to work on halloween, and things are kickin' ass with work right now, so cash it is. puts money in my pocket. i'm runnin' low again. i have to start saving, again, if i want to be out of here when i plan on it. next august. so gone. i hope. it's exciting. must call kyla from work tonight, must not forget.

October 23, 2002
11:22 PM  ()

...rockin' on the horse sized pills.
alright, kick it. cruisin' and boozin'. that's okay, don't worry about it, baby.

where have i seen this before? where have i seen you before? and how the fuck do you still know my name? hey, heather, you know you want another cigarette, and you know you wish your hands were prettier like they should be. all the guitar playing boys have pretty hands, why don't you? i did, once. oh yeah, i remember that. smells like autumn in this room, the leaves are still falling here. look at that sunset, isn't it gorgeous? i can't see anything, all i see are stars. i thought i was midnight. no, heather. in your mind, in your mind.

but you did make the phone call you were supposed to make and aren't you glad your reluctance was consumed by curiousity. it turned out very well, i think. maybe it'll happen again someday, the friend is still there. it's sort of uplifting.

October 22, 2002
11:10 PM  ()

...okay, relaxed entry.
i had a good night tonight. carter's a lot of fun, i quite enjoy being with him. I have to work 2-10 tomorrow night and thursday night, that kind of... isn't... cool. at all. People should come visit me at work in between 9 and 10, I'm all alone and it's scary.

6:53 PM  ()

...she decided to call it quits.
yes, indeed.

barbara has cooties. but they're awesome. i like her cooties.

12:57 AM  ()

...you're never to be fucking trusted.
wearing thin now, i'm done. ah, that boy made me laugh until my stomach hurt tonight. sort of giddy, i suppose. he wants to see me again tomorrow. awesome.

October 21, 2002
1:35 AM  ()

...i remember every word you say.
even though i shouldn't feel horrible for the guilt that should be felt by this person, i still do. even though i have no idea of half of the shit he must put up with, i'm not part of any of it. i realized how much he could be suffering tonight. but why am i making him sound like the victim? because in a sense, we're all victims here. i just wish i could let him know that i have no part in any of it, i only just thought about it now, and what could be happening. but there really is no way to let him know, i'm too terrified to speak, and especially when he's being guarded from absolutely everything. it's not the childish glares that scare me, it's the possibility that he won't listen. so, fuck it. i just don't know anymore.

where the hell have i put myself this time? i've thrown myself somewhere and i can't figure out where i am. i'm stuck in this gaping hole and there's nothing but mud around me, it's not like i can make it out of here right now. i'm not sure what to say to anyone, i'm a little lost at the moment. again. i'm so tired of looking at myself in the mirror and trying to figure out who i am. who am i? really? i thought i knew myself better than anyone ever could, but i guess i'm starting to lose that. i understand it happens at times, but i don't like it. we all get lost and found throughout life, life is the greatest journey ever. i'll come out of this with some peices of paper to read later, most definitely. and i probably won't remember writing any of it. awe struck or disgusted, maybe even amused, as to how words and equations like those could be written by my hand and thought by my mind. i'm losing it, again. no one's here to catch me, again. so i'll keep falling until i hit ground and i'm capable of getting up and out of the dirt on my own. again.

October 17, 2002
2:40 PM  ()

...fabricated illusion.
HOLY SHIT. i'm bored. i'm excited for next friday though. excellent.
i seriously have nothing to say, it's not a good thing. i don't like not knowing what to write. i don't feel interesting lately, or pretty. but the phone's ringing now, so i'm going to answer that.

October 16, 2002
2:06 PM  ()

...pointless update. primitive shut down.
part of jaymis and i's conversation last night still amuses me.

Life is merely Chaos. says:
yeah.. but it would be kinda hard to date yourself..
heatherrr. says:
ha, i'm so dating myself now.
Life is merely Chaos..says:
Cool.. you should tell me what you're like to date!!!
heatherrr. says:
i just dumped myself. i suck.

8:05 AM  ()

...so tired.
so very exhausted. my god.

2:34 AM  ()

...then, hurt me.
i wrote a poem the other night, dedicated to someone i barely know. right here.

i went for coffee with kirby tonight. my scene brother. he says to me, "I thought I was supposed to be the one looking out for you." well, it was my turn to look out for him tonight. indeed. i'm glad i helped a little. yes. excellent. it's what i'm here for. there's a few people i'd really like to be there for right now. kirby, cliff, kyla, barbara.
i'm excited.
i'm excited for:
- hanging out with kt tomorrow when she gets home from school.
- seeing barbara on saturday, before that free show heather really wants to go to. i don't really know what else is on for the weekend.
- visiting kyla and learning more about her.

i have to be up in four and a half hours so i think i'm going to attempt sleeping now.
hm, i wonder if someone will ever write a song about me that goes something like this song i'm listening to now. that would be interesting. you're still day-dreaming, heather. now go to sleep.

October 15, 2002
1:47 AM  ()

...it's not entirely ruined.
her smile made me smile. that was fantastic.

my hair's a mess, i'm tired. i just wrote something somewhere else, and feel that it should also be here.
___
I came across and old cd, and I had no idea what it was. it turned out that it was a smashing pumpkins album. I sat there in sort of a weird daze as I listened, and then I went completely numb. That's never happened to me before. I wanted to turn it off so bad but I wanted to know what would happen to me next, I couldn't bring myself to hit the power button. I don't think my room has ever been so dark before. I went completely cold under my blanket and felt my stomach turn. I haven't loved and hated the smashing pumpkins at the same time before, I can't say I've ever hated them. I felt sick. I still feel sick. now I can't fucking wait to fall sleep and forget about this.

if it hadn't have been for then, this wouldn't have happened.

October 14, 2002
11:18 PM  ()

...i sometimes wish i was there.

1:15 PM  ()

...I FUCKING FIXED IT!
yeah man!

October 13, 2002
1:26 PM  ()

...holy shit, de ja vu.
still feeling a little drunk here. shit, that joint was huge, too.

yeah, i think heather and i had a mad case of de ja vu last night. we partied with people we hadn't really been with in a while, it was fun. kinda like hanging out with the old friends. i enjoyed it. we apparently might do it again tonight. i didn't come home last night, my parents aren't even home right now, they knew where i was. i told them i'd be pretty late. i'm just a little later than expected, i suppose. ha. i don't think they care that much at all. they knew i was drinking. man, my parents are weird as fuck lately. they finally realize i'm not six fucking years old anymore. it's great.

i have to work at 3:00, until 9:00. kyle (a guy i haven't seen in forever, he's in town for the weekend to see his parents, they live just down the street from me) is stopping by my work later on or at my house if it's after nine to let me know what's happening.

i passed out on carter, i believe. i woke up freezing and bob and i were passed out on the same couch and jon was sleeping on the other. there were people all over the place, and when i woke up this morning, bob and i were the only ones left. ha. poor bastard, jon left him. he then almost fell back asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand.

my mom's awesome. she brought jeff and i spaghetti for dinner last night at work. shit yeah.

October 12, 2002
2:57 AM  ()

...may this night last in memory for a while longer.
i've enjoyed myself tonight to the extent that i could. the two last bands (darryl's grocery bag, the failure) really got me moving. i had to do something with myself, i started to let myself think too much and tonight wasn't a night for that sort of thing. i was to enjoy myself, so i did. i had intended on enjoying myself from the day i planned on going. one shot left were great. i met barbara, she's so little and pretty. i'd like to go visit her one day. ha, the poor thing lives in cochrane.

i felt young tonight. i haven't felt my own age in such a long time it was actually kind of a neat feeling. i know i probably won't feel that for another couple years or so, so i'm quite glad it happened tonight. i may have danced like a fool, but i didn't feel like one. it was the fact that i was enjoying myself that took me over, i just sort of did whatever i wanted. i saw so many people that i miss again already. sigh.

i'm not sure what to do with myself right now. feeling sort of lost. i can ignore it though, and i will. i have a feeling something's going to change soon, either drastically or just slightly... either one will satisfy me. i'm in love with change, anything to put a little more excitement into my life. always gives me something new to think about.

uhm.
my mom's bringing jeff & i some sort of thanksgiving dinner at work on monday. i thought that was kind of sweet. we both have to work through dinner time so we're kind of screwed for family plans. mind you, i don't really want to be here on thanksgiving. i don't enjoy being around two of the people that are coming, and the mans wife is bringing her parents for some odd reason. the more the merrier, i suppose. it would just end up like every thanksgiving, i'd end up eating thanksgiving dinner in my room listening to music or watching a movie alone. i don't like being with a larger amount (than three, the normal amount in this household than myself, even though i rarely eat dinner with my parents) of people around the dining table than usual, it kind of creeps me out.

heather's asleep in my bedroom. i'm sleeping in the living room tonight, i was watching a movie but i'm not really up for that, so i think i'm just going to end this here and go crash on the couch and re-live tonight in my thoughts. it was a good night. i liked it. i had my ups and downs, but overall... very good night. i'm impressed. i have many to thank for it. excellent. thank you.

October 11, 2002
2:46 PM  ()

...i know exactly what goes on when you're on.

tonight's going to be fun.

9:44 AM  ()

...holy shit, snow.
my mother... is so... very... annoying in the morning.
anyway, it's snowing outside, there's about two or three centimetres on the ground. this makes me want to cry. oh well, i woke up with an old feeling, a feeling i can't entirely remember, but i know it was from last winter. a good feeling. it was neat.

going to that show tonight, should be fun. i'm excited.

October 10, 2002
1:27 PM  ()

...what a productive mind.
so, this basically goes to tell you how simple my mind is at school... i find it amusing because of how completely serious i was.

story of the day.

teacher asks every student to right down up to ten things they really want. materialistic things. not goals they want to meet. like a car, or a dog, or a cabin in the mountains. things like that. teacher then asks every student what they wrote down.

teacher: "so, caitlyn, what did you write down?"
caitlyn: "a brand new corvette, sea-doo, diamond ring..." etc.

teacher asks adam.
adam: "new pants, new socks, new truck, or fix mine..." etc.

teacher finally asks heather.
teacher: "so, ms. laird. what have you written down?"
heather: "gibson les paul."
teacher: "what's that? a guitar? i'll just put down guitar..."
heather: "no, mr. davidson. gibson. les. paul. not just any guitar. okay?"
teacher laughs. "okay. what about your other wants?"
heather: "oh yeah, right. and a case of beer."
teacher starts laughing. class starts laughing.
heather: "What? I'm serious..."
___end___

October 09, 2002
8:55 PM  ()

...this is how it's going to be. yes, we're up and running.
well, wow. crestfallen on calpunk just cheered me up. that was great.

anyway, just had stupid discussion with parents. about my future. i can't stand it when they make me feel like i have to lay out a big fuckin' blueprint of my life in about two minutes. i don't have any big plans whatsoever. i just want to get my highschool diploma and get the fuck out of here. if i could get by without my diploma, i would be totally gone. so, that's depressed me. because i hate school, and i don't want to fuck it up.

this friday should be fun. i'm looking forward to it.

alright, so, my blogger's all fucked up. but we'll have to live with it for now. i'm going to have it like this, one entry at a time. if you're interested in looking at others i'm going to figure out a way to put up the "archive"... click here... i hope i figure out where to put that.

7:55 PM  ()

...does it work yet?
fuck, i guess not. here's the other link: subtractfive.diaryland.com.

October 08, 2002
11:40 AM  ()

...welcome to the doll house.
fuck, blogger's screwing up.
alright, for now: my website is nothing. so, once i get this working again... go here: http://subtractfive.diaryland.com. from there you'll find out when this peice of shit is working again. i kind of have other plans, i might change this into something for photography... and keep my diaryland as the journal. but that all depends. i'll let you know what's going on soon. so, check up, kittens.

11:14 AM  ()

...we don't need you.
ha, i remember this show. both of them, actually. first time i met mitch. i wonder how he's doing, anyhow. apparently in new york? who knows. i kind of wish this band was still together, they were fun to watch.

this friday: darryl's grocery bag (hope to see heather k so she'll dance with me), one shot left, and the failure. i'm kind of excited about it. i expect it to be a good show, if not... then whatever, as long as i had something to do that friday. heather and i are going into calgary tonight, my mother's currently annoying me with the intercom and the buzzer. fuck, she's annoying in the morning. i don't work today, so i guess that's good. i have to get a hold of kt and let her know i'm coming to pick up my wallet tonight. ack. so much to do. i'm so lost.

sometimes i wonder why i even try talking to my mother about things... she always interrupts to ask something so off fucking topic (which makes you feel unlistened to) like "DO YOU WANT BREAD WITH THAT?" jesus christ.

12:41 AM  ()

...i wonder if anyone actually has eurostile...
well, i hope everyone can read my site. if not, well i guess that sucks. get the "eurostile" font.

being a fool's just fine.

October 07, 2002
10:23 AM  ()

...oh so entertained.
i am so very amused right now, calgarypunk's amusing. i hate the site with a passion, but of course i'm always on it, reading pathetic posts written by inane people.

went to the veggie house with kevin, jordan, steve, and heather yesterday. heather decided to eat nothing, but i quite enjoyed what we had. very good stuff. good to see kevin and jordan again too. ha, watching kevin play video games reminds me of being in ontario... mind you, his whole basement made me feel like i was in scott's basement (ontario). that was rad.

i'm having fun, i feel great, and work is going to totally ruin that for me tonight. i hate working with new people, and for some reason i'm not sure if i'm going to like this girl. she's worked there before, and if she tries to tell me what to do i'm going to sit there and do absolutely nothing the entire night and get myself fired. i'm not going to work with someone who thinks they're better than i am when we're all doing the same damn job. sarah was like that, now she's gone.

stop making yourself believe i still want what's yours.

October 06, 2002
6:48 PM  ()

...you know you're right.
my parents are fighting like children again, mind you... my mom's being pretty selfish. i never asked for so much when i was sick. i didn't ask for anything. now she's yelling at us to go fetch her this, fetch her that, she wants this, etc. my god. insanity. dad's going to flip out. mom's going to cry. i'm going to tell mom to shut the hell up and dad to calm down. guh.

children.

11:59 AM  ()

..."I still recall the taste of your tears. Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I just want something, I just want something I can never have. You always were the one to show me how, back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart. Grey would be the color if I had a heart. Come on and tell me. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, you make this all go away. I just want something, I just want something I can never have. In this place it seems like such a shame, though it all looks different now I know it's still the same. Everywhere I look you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be. Come on and tell me: you make this all go away, you make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, you make it all go away. I just want something, I just want something I can never have. I just want something I can never have." this song takes me so far back it almost hurts.

October 03, 2002
9:56 PM  ()

...tim's gorgeous.
i got bored, and webcams are fun sometimes. i need a new book. anyways, here you go.

7:32 AM  ()

kirby is extreme.

October 02, 2002
11:56 PM  ()

...letter!
cliff, i got your letter. i dropped it in a puddle though. it kind of makes it look really cool now that it's dried. BUT i still have it and it's still readable and it makes me insanely happy. thank you so much. i'm starting the rest of your letter tonight. ha. the rest. my god, that letter's all over the place.

i'm getting better, i think.

October 01, 2002
11:27 PM  ()

...de ja vu?
"we should have left him that night when you were 9 years old..." my mom's talking about leaving my father again. i'm not sure what to make of it, i think there might actually be a seperation this time. oh my. so many different things have happened this weekend, i'm almost ready to fall over because of it all.

"this isn't over..." she said. she must be pretty upset. she apologized for 'lumbering' me with a father as such.
i still don't know what to think.

5:49 PM  ()

...so much pathetic drama.
there's my drama, there's my best friends drama, there's nothing but drama everywhere at the moment. it's getting quite frustrating. i don't think i like all this excitement. my fucking phone hasn't stopped ringing about someone elses drama and fucked up problems. i've been up all night vomitting and becoming dehydrated, i didn't go to school today... ooh, none of this is going over very well at all with my physical health. hah, it's kind of funny, when i think about it. sort of karma, maybe. ha! every time i've been stressed out or upset lately i become violently ill. humorous, to me, in a way. i'm too tired to deal, i think i've said enough anyhow. whether the call is returned or not, it was the last.

i hopefully get to see rob this weekend, on friday, if i'm not sick still. i'll have to give him a call. i can't remember if it's thursday or friday that i'm rockin' out with steve & cory. i also get to see kt this weekend, which is exciting. she's so pretty. i wonder how she's dealing with the sarah thing. hopefully alright.

i quit smoking, by the way. well, buying my own anyways. ha. i've quit cold turkey, and later on (depending on how i feel about it) i might do the occassional have-a-smoke-while-i'm-out thing. that's kind of what i want to do, because i enjoy smoking cigarettes, i just don't feel like spending ten dollars on a fucking 25-pack. so tired. going back to sleep again.