7:42 AM  ()

barely. oh, just barely.
Maybe we can run along wet sandy beaches with bare feet. The water's not very warm, is it? You know, my knees ache as I sit here with one leg crossed over the other, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because they're not weak and aching for you. Oh, but they are.

1:20 AM  ()

childhood tapdance costumes we hated and an interesting diner experience.
I rushed around Sunridge Mall today and then raced Kyla to McNally's Independent Bookstore on Stephen Ave. I so won. I bought... the things I needed to buy, and a book for myself. I actually picked up a Kafka book, finally. Metamorphosis & other stories. I'm excited to start reading it. And Lolita (not by Kafka), that Kyla let me borrow.

There's always something interesting happening at Lido's. I must say. Today, it was a drunk man (that didn't make any sense whatsoever) refusing to get out of the place. Ryan gave him two dollars, I guess. John and I watched him almost tip this huge trophy thing over while he was trying to bend over to pick up a one dollar coin. Man, I felt so bad. But, damn. It was kind of funny. Yeah, ran into Ryan today. Good to see him, he seems well. I had a feeling I'd run into him there for some reason. It was strange. John suggested a book for me to read, I'll have to look for that. It's about the Holocaust.

And then we watched Batman Returns.
Damn. Cat Woman definitely is hot in that movie. She rocks my socks. "Who is the man behind the bat? Maybe you can help me find the woman behind the cat." This is the part where I burst into laughter. It made me want to watch a bunch of other Tim Burton films. Nightmare before Christmas, and Edward Scissor Hands... etc.

I wrote a fairly lengthy entry in my written journal today at school, I frightened myself. It was kind of revolting. I became afraid of everything and realized how much of a loner I really am. A loser, even. I used to be so nice and talkative to everyone, what the hell happened to me? Nothing, I suppose. I just don't... like being around a lot of the people at school. I'm continuously annoyed by small things, things I've already witnessed, things I don't want to hear or see again. I'm so negative there, it hurts. And I really don't want to work tomorrow. I believe it's twenty-six days left now, isn't it? I can't wait.

November 29, 2002
11:14 AM  ()

ummm...
And down, down, down I go.

November 28, 2002
12:19 PM  ()

searching for the never ending story.
I was placed in the storage room of my school to watch that video that Mr. Davidson brought out for me. I paid a lot of attention to the video because it was quite interesting and at some points made me want to cry, but I was also quite interested on what was on the the shelves in the room. There were so many old books, film strips, and other machines that were used when we were in Elementary. Everything in there was so tempting to steal, even though I wouldn't be capable of using any of them (except the books). It was so exciting. I felt like I was that little boy searching for that certain book in that dark room in Never Ending Story. I can't remember his name. Fictional and magical characters would carry me out the window. Oh man, it was intense. I was going insane in there, I felt like such a child. It was great. I didn't want to leave. Although I kept being interrupted by the IOP teacher and her returning televisions and other paraphanalia. That was quite upsetting, but either way... oh man. Awesome. I was so tempted to light a cigarette up in there as well, just watch my video, listen to the bombs crashing and the airplanes diving as I wandered around the narrow room looking for something interesting to read. I found a few things. Old year books, a couple books by J.D. Salinger. All the film strips though. Man. I remember watching most of them in... Grade 5 or something. It was insane! I want to live in there.

10:31 AM  ()

the fairness of an april calander.
Sitting cross legged in a chair I hate, in a room I hate. Typing on a keyboard I hate because it's too sticky. Surrounded by people I don't like listening to. I wanted to go outside for that cigarette on my own, but I offered for her to come because I hadn't talked to her in a while. I'm miserable today, and I'm not sure why. I feel as though I have to work, but I don't. I'm wearing my skirt, I feel classy. It's quite early for me to be at school, none of my classes start until 12:38. I have to find Mr. Davidson so I can watch the Holocaust video I missed last week. We're watching another video today. Yesterday it was on the bombing of Hiroshima. It made me really sad. I can understand why the Americans that were held prisoners have something against the Japanese, but otherwise... the whole thing was an experiment. An experiment that should have never been conducted. Although I've seen the documentary before, I'll never forget the image of that young boy laying on a hospital bed on his stomach with his back just baring muscle because of the flash burns he had recieved from the blast. Christ. How sick are we? Extremely.

And her. Oh, my. Her fake laugh, her ego, her everything. She's so disgustingly idiotic it hurts to even look at her. I feel sorry for her. She tries so hard, she tries just for him. Why? Why try for a boy that you know doesn't care? Why try for a boy anyway? You shouldn't have to try. If he wants to be with you he should have already accepted you the way you are, the way you were, the real you. Not someone you think he wants. Just because you have a pretty face doesn't mean you can change your personality to fit his expectations. I want to cry for you. That's why I left the table, I don't even want to look at you.

I'm excited about seeing Kyla tomorrow. I hope she's alright.

9:32 AM  ()

this is so unbelievably frustrating.
What the hell is going on with this thing. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it. And I hate this template. Yuck. And everytime I try to put the comments up, it goes all whacko on me. Oh man. Oh man. Going to snap.

November 27, 2002
6:03 PM  ()

here's a sly look and a grin for you.
Oh boy, I tricked them good. Did I ever. I'm sneaky like that. I've noticed I'm one of the worst liars unless I'm trying to bend the truth ever so greatly with them, or people who don't know me very well. It makes me giddy and I feel like a super villian and that I should have some sort of metal aircraft to jump onto to fly away with. I'll take my super villian arse over to find the telephone now, I have to make a call.

November 26, 2002
10:00 PM  ()

i'll always be here if it becomes too much.
i had to chase my mother around this morning and yell at her like she was a child. she was trying to steal a cigarette and... well, she really sucked at it. it was so fucked up, though. work was shit. school was shit. uh. falling down, again. i have nothing of the interesting sort to say. until next time. good night. go watch a movie or something.

I know you've been as lost as I have been
and currently am.
I know you've been here before.
I know you've tasted the same pain,
and smelled this foul scent of nothing.
You've felt this death before.
More than once.

Many times you and I have died.
Creating worlds of sick romance,
and crying no tears.

I know you've felt this blankness,
this blindness,
this disorientation.
Don't you wish they'd just let...
they'd just let us fly away?
I hear this screaming but it's not my own,
it's not my heart or my mind.
It's yours.
Constantly failing and pursuing nothing.
All but boredom and drastic confusion.

Many times you and I have died.
Creating worlds of sick romance,
and crying no tears.

November 25, 2002
10:37 PM  ()

six year old boxes with cowboy hats and a fancy scarf.
kyla and i should have a movie night on friday, how about it? i have thursday and friday off, he (boss) changed the schedule today and is apparently changing it again in order to give me more time off before i quit. my dad blew up at him today. hilarity. he came into work half-drunk today, stayed for three hours, and then went home. my boss is an alcoholic, i'm sure i've mentioned this many times before. but, my boss is an alcoholic. it's aggrivating. nice guy, but he reaks of beer all the time. someone's being shot on the television. repeatedly. uhm. i think they're dead, my dear. now he's kicking the wall he's behind and screaming like he's having an orgasm. what the hell is wrong with these old movies? haha, this is so funny. it's great. i can hear my mom mocking it as well. i guess now i know where i get it from.

he's still moaning.
oh. oh!! yes!! if things aren't changed, i'm most likely seeing the stares play twice in toronto. i am fucking happy about that. that's awesome. i don't know anything about the reverb, but it's apparently something fantastic to be playing at. so proud of you boys. yes. so proud.

i can't wait until i no longer have a job for a month. hey, it's 30 days until christmas. meaning... 30 days exactly, to the fucking time, until I leave for the airport. fuck christmas. it's all about going away from here. rock on. excitement. oh man. *falls over*

the dead man's laughing. in the movie.

1:40 PM  ()

how amusing.
i've made this website so incredibly ugly, i love it. it's hilarious. i don't know what to do with it right now so it'll be staying really ugly for a couple of days, i'm sure. i hate html, i've been trying to figure out where to place a certain code so that it applies to everything today and it's not working. now the phone's ringing. train of thought. easily distracted. oh well.

i just realised something. i match my website. oh my god. that is totally not cool. i think i'm going to go shoot myself now. or change my shirt. oh god.

this picture makes me look as though i have huge breasts compared to what i actually have. and lopsided! hahaha, this is hilarious. i don't look like that at all. i don't care. i match my website. and it makes me want to die anyway.

oh my god. 983279827 people have called for my mom in the past 10 minutes. i'm unplugging the phone.

10:21 AM  ()

ew.
"heather, don't leave cigarette butts in the ashtray out back."
- uh, why not?
"because when i see them, i want to pick them up and smoke them."
- gross. there's nothing there except filter.
"it doesn't matter."

aw man. that's so nasty. i have never had the urge to do that. smoke cigarette butts. i really haven't. ew. my mother rarely comes downstairs to talk to me, and ever since she's been so sneaky and going through all my shit to find cigarettes, she comes down quite often... and opens the back door, "just to see what's going on outside." uh, what? nothing's going on outside, mom, nothing's out there. she's gone so weird. ha.

November 24, 2002
4:45 PM  ()

hey, fuck you kathleen.
i lost it. i am disgusted with my aunt. every time she calls she asks about my mom and acts like she's fucking dying. fuck you.

4:31 PM  ()

laugh, laugh, laugh.
well, holy damn. i need to calm down. i've just spent the last five minutes dancing around my living room because i'm so fucking hyper. i think i scared cliff with my weirdness. yes, i'm extremely happy to be off of work today. SO MANY stupid things happened at work today.
1. lady having a phobia of windshield washing fluid and antifreeze and going completely nuts and weird about it. fucking people in airdrie. christ.
2. sean davies came into work for a jerrycan. fucking. weird, man. i never see that guy. i talk to him a lot, but tend to mock him because he's always joking about having sex with me. hey, reminds me of adam.
3. constance being stupid and me reeming her out because she's stupid as all hell.

yes, that's a lot of weird things to happen to me in one day.
and i can't believe cliff fell off his roof.

so, uh, now what? gonna go dance around again... this hyper activeness isn't wearing off quite yet. oh, wait... nope.

November 23, 2002
9:13 PM  ()

how the story really goes.
i put in my two weeks notice. yup. he won't get that until monday, i'm assuming. ugh. i don't want to work tomorrow morning. god damnit. you're right cliff, ultimate freedom indeed, for a few weeks, and then i have to go find another one. i want to do something that i like, working in a book store or something, or... the guitar store. yeah. i'll con tom into hiring me. i can be amazing.

argh. so excited for ontario. don't. like. waiting. waiting is. bad. it's the only thing i'm looking forward to. always is.

10:13 AM  ()

wake up, hun.
i think i might do that, just to be mean, but i'm also worried about him. so. damnit. i'll do that. nevermind. i think he's working.

i just got home from dave m's place. i woke up between him and jamie and todd was sprawled out in the furnace room next to us. i've decided i can never sleep next to jamie ever again, he's annoying. my god. is he ever. up until 4, helping dave clean his place up. very interesting fellow. todd and i played guitar for, i swear, two hours or something in dave's room. i've never seen that boy drunk. i had a good time last night, didn't get wasted at all, just really giddy. it was so packed in there. and it was a house that didn't deserve to have a party thrown in it. it was such a nice house. and it is, again, now that we've cleaned it. minus the bucket of vomit someone left for us in the garage. that's so disgusting. ha, the toilet overflowed, too. poor dave.

i'm putting in my two weeks notice at work today. hopefully i can just end up walking out or something. they need to do one more thing to piss me off, and i'll walk out. i'm quite excited to do this.

November 22, 2002
10:34 AM  ()

i think it's thirty-three days, now. i'm horrible at this.
uh. waiting for adam to call, supposed to do something with him for an hour or so around noon. i should go shower and make myself feel better. i, again, have been feeling disgusting. i never have time after i have my shower, lately, in order to make myself look good or anything. it's driving me insane. i'm always in a fucking rush. so i hope i don't have to be today, hopefully i can take some time to build my ego up just a tiny bit. hells yea. oh christ, thanks mom. "heather, you look terrible lately." - yeah, i know that mom. there's not much i can do about that. "yes there is, try to make yourself look good." -yes, mom. that does take time. i don't have any time, now, do i? no, i don't have time like you have time. when i wake up, i usually have about half an hour to have a shower, get dressed, and put up my hair. and then i'm rushed out the door in order to go to school or work. not. much. i can. do. sorry i'm not pretty enough for you, lately.

i was up all night coughing last night. i don't feel like using my voice today, it hurts my throat so much.

i should just start trying to smoke raspberry trident gum. that's all i do, now. i chew gum. and now that i think about it, chewing gum is actually really disgusting. and i can hear it inside my head every time my jaw chomps down on it. squishy sound. i hate it. it's like listening to someone eat. oh god. i have to spit this out now. if you don't know this already, i get so extremely annoyed when i can hear someone eating, it drives me up the fucking wall. my senses go haywire when i can hear it, and then that's all i can hear. pet peeve, i suppose. argh. heather's one for teasing me with that, grr.

pet peeve's are funny.
according to mike waterman, i'm a schizophrenic because of my pet peeves. and according to me, he's an idiot. i'd give anything to throw a book at that boys head. yes, mike, i want to throw a book at your head. but that's all, i'd be satisfied afterwards.

i suppose i'll go try to be pretty now.

November 21, 2002
10:28 PM  ()

i almost slammed my head against a brick wall tonight.
my assistant manager is a fucking ridiculous person. she's always asking me if i hate her, she's so extremely paranoid. anyways, i am quite upset with her. she said something really rude to me today concerning keith taking my shift for me yesterday (when i told him i'd stay, but he wanted me to come home because i wasn't in a proper state to be working and was worried about me) due to my freak out and what not and me apparently not being considerate enough to take his shift. WHAT THE FUCK? her and jodie are the stupidest girls i have ever come in contact with in my entire life, and i don't care if they know that now. i don't fucking care. jesus christ. first, i get to work, and find out i don't have a motherfucking day off for the next three weeks other than tomorrow, and then they try to make me work a four-to-nine shift for jodie. uhm. no. and then constance pulled that whole "well, keith took your shift you could at least be considerate and take his seeing as he's been helping you out." uh, pardon me? PARDON ME? I AM ON EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE NEXT THREE FUCKING WEEKS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING STRESSED OUT I AM AS IT IS? saturday 4-9 sunday 8-4 monday 3-10 tuesday 3-9 wednesday 2-10 thursday 2-10 friday 4-9 saturday 8-4 sunday 8-4 monday 4-9 tuesday 4-9 wednesday 2-10 thursday 2-10 friday 2-10 saturday 8-4, etc. etc. fucking. etc. so, FUCK YOU, CONSTANCE. I am taking no one's shift tomorrow unless it's Keith's actual shift which is 6 AM to 2 PM and he told me to tell you that your idea is stupid. he knows that you just want me to work his 6-2 so that you don't have to work with him or so that you can switch with jodie without him knowing. you fucking idiot.

my head hurts so much tonight. overall, a pretty bad day. i am going fucking insane. i'm turning down my mom's offer for the thousand dollars. i will definitely try to quit, but i thought about it today. first off, i can't accept $1000 from my MOTHER. who's SICK. fuck. I'll quit for HER. Not for money. No, man. I'm not doing that. Although it would be nice to have a thousand dollars floating around in my bank account, it would make me feel simply awful, because I'd probably start up again anyways. But, Mom, I promise I'll try. oh my god. my brain. tomorrow should be much better. it would be a lot better if i hadn't had to work on saturday as it had been earlier today until it was changed. i really wanted to get a hold of rob emes, i haven't seen that pretty boy in forever.

holy fuck.
ow.
cool, i have an e-mail. i'm going to go read that. this should make me feel better.
and then i'm going to bed. HOLY COW, PEOPLE. insanity.

10:15 AM  ()

buh.
the patio chairs, they're set up so right.
like ghosts were conversing in the moonlight.
it's quiet now, ready to fight.
angry 'cause i've interrupted.

sorry sirs, go on with tonights score.
tell the two about '44,
about when you died on your bathroom floor.
and now you have them corrupted.

i heard your voice calling me in
from a futuristic doorway of romantic sin.
come on, baby, this we can win.
i walked into an empty living room.

thinking of if we ever see this part:
you, slashing, trying to tear my heart.
me, hitting yours with a single dart.
thrown into a seductive doom.

warm water.
random tears.
your arms.
dying fears.
tragic.
succession.
tired.
obsession.

12:04 AM  ()

would you quit for one thousand dollars?
well, i am.
even though i don't want to. but... under the circumstances i think it's quite a good idea. you know, i should just quit. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do with one thousand dollars anyways. oh man. i'll probably stare at it say something along the lines of "now what?" or "who can i spend this on?". ha, i already offered to give it away, but he declined. which was quite humorous.

bad night. still a bad night. but better than before. not shakey. not edgy. thanks for calming me down. thanks for helping me to steer my mind in a different direction.

November 20, 2002
5:06 PM  ()

nothing.
I just had the biggest freak out ever. I'm now home from work because I couldn't stay there, I was shaking so much. The story behind it isn't something I'd like to share. The only thing I want to say is:

I've never seen that particular person cry before. And it scared the fuck out of me.
I can't do that to myself. I have to stop this.
Everything's fine, but I'm obviously not. Holy shit. Please, no one call me tonight, I don't feel like talking.

10:00 AM  ()

...innocence is pain in disguise.
well, fuck. i slept in, i guess that means i'm not going to school, again, today. i apparently kept telling my mom to "just leave me alone for today", i don't remember this. i work at 2 until 10. That's going to be a long eight hours, mind you, a little shorter seeing as I'm not at school today, but I have to do the same thing tomorrow. 8:30 -12:00 (school), shower, 2:00 - 10:00 (work). Hm.

I'm going to go shower now.
i feel so digusting. i felt it going to sleep last night too, i felt as though i was this big blob of gross just laying there. i'm getting sick of that feeling. and i fucking hate it when my mom comes into my room and asks me if i'll share a cigarette with her. no, mom.

Oh yeah. Harry Potter. Good. Scary spiders.
Shit. & neve campbell's just... ew. (ha. haha. ha.)

more: 12:24
i just opened a letter from my school that contained nothing but foldouts and other papers on my graduation. "get prepared! buy flowers! this is what your gown will cost! get your ring today!" motherfuckers. i'm not even sure if i'm graduating yet. fuck off. and i'm not going to your ridiculous ceremonies.

November 19, 2002
3:35 PM  ()

...your need for love makes you easy prey.
they let me stay home from work today. i'm not going anywhere. for once i'm not uncomfortable being here tonight. i didn't go to school today, either.

9:23 AM  ()

..."i have an addiction."
Well, of course you bloody do, Mom. But that doesn't give you any right to go searching around my room and throwing my shit around just to find a cigarette. And you could at least be a little more sneaky about it, you know, without making a lot of noise and waking me up or just waiting until I'm not in there at all. But either way, you're not supposed to be in my room looking through anything. When did we come up with this rule? Years ago. You leave my drawers alone, I leave yours alone. Aw, Mom. I'm disappointed in you, but I do understand the addiction part. But hey, wanna stay the fuck out of my room? Ha. I have everything everywhere in my room, letters, my journal's usually wide open because well, no one goes in there but myself unless I'm already in it and there's a knock on the door. There's a lot of personal things laying around in there on the floor and on my dresser, so I prefer to be able to clean those up before I allow anyone in there. I say a lot of things that I don't want my parents or anyone else reading, a lot of things. Even you. Dun-dun-dun.

Nothing in the sky last night, but the moon was so bright it was blinding me. It was really pretty, so I watched that for about ten minutes until I realized I was really fucking cold. The sky did end up clearing up, but not in the right area I suppose. Nothing could be seen. If anyone did see it, please tell me about it.

November 18, 2002
10:57 PM  ()

...three seconds and it can disappear like that.
My eyes are tired, and my body's hurting, but I want to stay awake just to see if I can catch a glimpse of something beautiful through the clouds in four hours. I'm listening to music I should be enjoying, but I'm not feeling it. What am I ignoring? I feel nothing right now. I'm so blank. I'm hoping the sky will open up for me tonight so that I will have some motivation to clear my mind of all things currently and just allow myself to be stuck in the awe I usually feel when it looks like the sky is actually falling. I'm obsessed with the sky, the patterns of the stars, the blue light that they all shine. I could watch the clouds fly over me just to reveal certain parts of the sky and that light for hours at night. I do, sometimes. I think that's the only time the blanket on my window comes off and my blinds are ever open, at night, when I can place myself on my bed just perfectly to stargaze. I have pretty dreams on those nights. I feel like I could just reach my hand out and you'd already be there. Mystery will have found me and we would run away to fall asleep next to one another watching the reflection of the moon on a lake. Anywhere, it wouldn't matter.

I got to talk to Scott tonight. He was tired though. So I let him go. I have that free long distance thing again, this makes me smile.

I had people pestering me at school all day because I didn't feel like lifting my head up from my desk. I watched the wall in the front of the classroom and the occassional persons legs that walked in front of it. I traced my bottom lip with the pen lid I had in my hand all afternoon. I was so out of it. I wasn't even thinking of anything, I just didn't want to think at all. Hey man, we're alone. We're in different corners of different rooms and the others dance by us every couple of seconds. You're so quiet, the other voices are blaring, but I can still hear you breathing. It's pretty.

November 17, 2002
9:50 PM  ()

...ew.
Alright. Last entry for today. I need to slow down. The side of my foot is itchy. So, I'm waking up early tomorrow morning around 7:00 to drive my Mom into Calgary for an appointment she has with some specialist. She wants me to come with her, so yeah. She can do this, she's awesome. Heh, I'm thinking about the night before I found out, I could smell alcohol in the house. They told me the story the next day, I guess they got themselves right pissed (my parents *rarely* drink), closed the curtains, and danced together all night. Although it doesn't sound very romantic when alcohol's involved, I find it so. Very cute, at least. She loves to dance, man. Hilarious. I wish I could have seen it.

And:
To the ever so "mature" person who thought that they were doing absolutely amazing things by spitting on the drivers side window of my Mother's car - Wow. Congratulations, you're an idiot. That wasn't insulting, that was just fucking gross. Good try, though, sweetheart. It was an attempt. Fuck. Ew. Airdrie kids are, honestly, the most unintelligent and disgusting bunch of teenagers I have ever observed. Ew. I'm going to go wash my hands another 7 times.

5:44 PM  ()

...they sent me home from work.
"Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you, incessantly, from the space between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school, with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you? Oh, does he know that place below your neck that's your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences like, 'I love you far too much'? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried you smoke too many cigarettes? Is he coughing now? On a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there's a thousand more. You won’t ever see, but most hold inside yourself eternally. Well, I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper, 'Here is where you rest.' I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees. And I settled for a telephone, sang into your machine: 'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.' And I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She had eyes bright enough to burn me; they reminded me of yours. And in a story told, she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed. And it rose like thunder clapped under our hands. And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry’s end where I wrote: 'You make me happy, oh, when skies are gray. You make me happy, oh, when skies are gray, and gray, and gray.' Well the clock’s heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself. But I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed and they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid." - Bright Eyes, "The Calender Hung Itself"

3:19 PM  ()

...you love to love to leave me.
sat in my car at sunridge/rundle train station for an hour waiting for sean. i didn't have a phone with me or any change to use the payphone, or his phone number with me. so i couldn't call him. poor guy couldn't make it though, turns out. ah well, we'll do that some other time.

so, what do you think of the new layout? i like it. it's much more simple looking. i'll probably make more changes to it again some other night. i have to work in 45 minutes. i'm really hungry, so i'll go eat something, i guess. hm. jamie called me, haven't heard from him in a while. our phone conversations are always so ridiculous, i prefer talking to him in person. plus, he's 'hungover and spaced out' and what not, so that probably contributes to the ridiculousness. most definitely. what's with people and almost becoming parents these days at such a young age? jeez, keep your dick in your pants some nights, boys. and keep your hands from going down boys' jeans some nights, girls. sluts! we're all sluts!

i'm going to go hang out with my mom now.

9:37 AM  ()

...soluble words.
i don't really want to go anywhere today, but i'll call sean at noon and meet him in calgary for ice cream somewhere. i have no idea where we're going to go for ice cream. hm. i have to be home in time for work, though.

ha, my mom's getting that $20 a month long distance thing with the free long distance after 6:00 and on weekends. fuck yeah. she's doing that today. so, that's pretty nifty. this is a great thing to me.

everytime i look inside there's nothing but an empty home.

November 16, 2002
12:55 PM  ()

...umm.
i couldn't stop crying after i had written that, and then the phone rang. i thought it would have been someone else, i totally didn't expect it to be who it was.
thank you, cliff, for your phone call. that meant a lot to me. you knocked some sense into me. you're one of the three who can.

i called work, i'm not going in today. i'm spending the rest of the day with my mom & dad, we're having a lazy movie day. my parents are up in their room napping together, i walked in to see what was going on and they were sleeping. my dad just holding her. i kissed her on the cheek and went to get something to eat. things are going to be fine, she'll fight this. she's been fighting her entire life, she can take this on. she'll win. strong fucking woman, she is. oh man.

10:58 AM  ()

...shadows and tobacco.
i found out why my mom's being so angry lately. um. and now i can't stop crying.
we'll beat this, mom. you have enough strength in you to do this, along with ours. oh my god.
now i am to travel the long road of quitting smoking.

her and my father are telling me not to worry about the expenses of this trip, they were going to wait to tell me until after i came back. they want me to work at my own pace, and spend more time with my mother. oh god. um. and yeah. i'm glad they didn't wait until after i came back from ontario. i really want to talk to scott right now, i think i'll call him. i don't want him to hear me cry, though. so, maybe, i won't call him.

EVERYTHING'S GOING WRONG. oh my god.

12:27 AM  ()

...hahaha, forget this place.
ah, such a massive headache. i'm already tired and it's only midnight thirty. and how i love the ride home from calgary alone, it's actually quite cool. just a long dark ride home, my music blaring and... damn, i smiled the whole way home. kind of getting ready to miss that drive.

although blind played really well tonight, and so did the other band that i happened to see when i got there, i really don't like shows anymore. all this dj trance crap they play for intermission really sets me off. "punk rock fridays", fuck. drunk thirteen year olds stumbling around, starting fights, screaming and yelling, trying to hold one another up. i couldn't take it tonight, i couldn't stand watching it. it really bothered me for some reason. they're so fucking young, and they're fucking themselves up. i guess it's not really up to me now is it, it's up to them. it's what they want to do. but it really saddens me. it's got me down. really down. i've been there, i didn't like the road it was taking me down. sigh. whatever.

i drove joe to inglewood and then came home.
my parents are sleeping.
i wish there was someone i could talk to right now, but then... i really have nothing that important to say. if i had someone to converse with i know i'd get all stupid and not say the things that are actually on my mind. ah wait, but there is. i'll e-mail that person right now.

i feel like shit, but so good at the same time. how does that work?
i like this song. "normal life", july for kings. it's nice.

...and she likes to say "FUCK" a lot.
she really does. she's going to train herself to refrain.

November 15, 2002
11:49 AM  ()

...the hum of computers and feminine male voices.
That's all I can hear at the moment, and a few teachers bitching. Every lunch hour this is what it sounds like. I'm such a nerd. I've noticed I'm not like other students during lunch hour, even the computer nerds in here have friends sitting beside them. I refuse to be with anyone during lunch hour, now. I used to sit at "the table" but everyone there got on my nerves, and I'm hardly friends with any one of them anymore. I'm really bad at keeping friends. Scott and I have kept it going strong though, and I've been friends with Heather for around the same time as Scott but off and on, a year apart. That's about it. I'll say a couple words to the people outside in the eversofamous "smoke pit" when I con one of the grade 9's into giving me a cigarette because I own their ass, but I usually prefer to stand there and be quiet. A group of kids end up being around me within the first ten seconds of my being there, but they all talk to one another. Ha, they know I'm not interesting to talk to during lunch hour. I'm so tired.

I'm reading "Surfacing" again (by Margaret Atwood). I just re-read a line that I had highlighted when I first read it. I think it's great. "I prayed to be made invisible, and when in the morning everyone could still see me I knew they had the wrong God."

(Ha, "Umm.... my internet froze". This boy just sounded like he was going to cry, his voice is so high-pitched it hurts my ears, it's kind of frustrating. I guess I just wish everyone would shut up. Now the librarian and another student right beside me are arguing, it's amusing because it's stupid but I can not stand her voice either.) Oh, the hostility. Heather's an angry girl today, kittens.

I have to get out of here. I'm getting far too frustrated. I need a cigarette. My god. Bad day.

9:17 AM  ()

...i've got this store bought way of saying i'm okay.
and you've learned how to cry in total silence.

I'm coming to a bit of a realisation, I figure. It's not all that fun. I think today's going to be a little weird for me, somehow.

10:20 a.m. - in library. just heard three grade twelve computer nerds that are crowded around the computer beside me say "Harry Potter is GOD". Although I love Harry Potter and it's cuteness, he is not "GOD". Ha, one of the boys is someone I scared last year with Jon's Satanist Book... reciting lines out of the book which to me sounded like gibberish... ha, the terrified look in his eyes. I'm an asshole. That's what he got for telling me I was going to hell out of nowhere and being totally serious about it. Ah, the memories.

November 14, 2002
8:09 PM  ()

...fuck yes!
it finally works.

uh, yeah, so, those of you that are still going to my livejournal, come back.
scott wanted to keep it a secret, but everyone knows now... so i'll just blurt this out right here and now. i bought my flight tickets tonight. i am happy.
now, back to my movie.

November 13, 2002
10:13 PM  ()

...another unseen entry. fuck you, blogger.
so, uhm. i believe it's a go. i'm going to ontario. and i'm so fucking excited, it hurts.

November 12, 2002
11:49 PM  ()

...everyone's heard these songs before.
holy damn. excitement that goes beyond words over here, girls. beyond words.
i'm going out to ontario from the sounds of it, my dad's all for getting my tickets right away, one last thing to be done (the mothers converse) and then kablamo. whoa. it all happened so fast. things are so much better that way though, sudden. i just hope this all works out for cliff and his family. things will be sorted. i feel bad. but so great at the same time. wow. leaving is going to be so hard, i know it. usually is. i'm probably going to tie myself to a chair or something thinking it'll allow me to stay.

the stars are pretty tonight, ladies.

some things i'd like to get off my mind:
my mom's cracked her rib. she doesn't even know how, but she has an idea. it would have been when she suddenly shifted to untangle herself from her blankets a couple of days ago. how is that possible? the medication she's on causes her bones to be very very weak and fragile, her skin as well. i've bruised her by tapping her a few times or simply bumping into her. her skin rips very easily too, hence the case when her wrist was ripped open last year. ew, i don't want to think about that. anyway, i feel so sorry for her. i'm going to be doing a lot around here, and a lot of working as well. i'm so willing to work as much as possible in order to pay my father back for the tickets within the next two paycheques, it'll happen. my mind is going to come near the point of explosion by the time my flight's ready to take off, but then i'll relax. my parents might even be leaving me alone for christmas, which i'm also totally fine with. they want to go to mexico, i don't. they have to leave before christmas. i'll spend christmas with my brother. everything will be worth it. wow.

1:34 PM  ()

...cool.
i better be able to do this.
so far, i think it sounds good.
i think i'm going to ontario, kids. i hope i am. damn.

November 11, 2002
10:41 PM  ()

...give me wings like theirs, mom.
not cool, heather. not cool.
smarten the fuck up.
i don't want to live here anymore.

November 10, 2002
6:17 PM  ()

...and the boy remains.
ahh. get out of my head, you! i'm thinking about you too much.

2:03 PM  ()

...fist deep from the soul.
so many people waking up and coming out of rooms, i can't recognize their faces. ew, i just sneezed and now my face hurts. ryan and i got drunk while watching jackass last night, it was quite amusing. ryan was hilarious last night, so much fun. he wants in johnny knoxville's pants (or however you spell his name). he was all into him last night.

i gave my phone number to some boy, and i hope to god he doesn't phone it. i wasn't really paying attention to him when he asked for it, so i just gave it to him and then realized that he was all giving me the freaky vibe. so, i'll be ignoring his calls.

i want ginger beef so badly right now, but i think we're getting boston pizza instead. and now, katie and i are changing pajamas so we can be lazy. the ginger beef included walking and taking a bus, and a train. the boston pizza does not. we are lazy. yesterday was also a lazy day. i fel... must go now.

November 09, 2002
12:46 PM  ()

...for some reason.
hey, honey, all these songs make me think of you. "finally i'm fine when i lose control."

the roads were nothing but fucking insanity last night. they were better this morning, but still disgusting. i swear, we could have died if it wasn't after midnight when we were driving around. i was going so slow too, graham was comforting me. ha. heather was in the back with two drunkards, grahams roommate (dave) and another guy (bruce) he works with. they ended up confusing me on a right turn, and we slowly slid and bumped into a midean. heather and bruce woke up, and bruce says "i don't fuckin' trust you" and then goes back to sleep, or something. but it was funny, i found it quite amusing.

i was given the most amazing back massage last night. the show was alright. kyla was there which made me happy. i love her. heather and i were trying to trip 12 year olds in the skank pit, i felt so old there last night. i'm starting to hate shows. kyla's right, we need to find other things to do instead of just going to shows. dave from the luddytes is fun. he dances for me. oh! and tanner and crystal were there! it was so great seeing them, i wish i could have spent more time with them, but i was extremely hyper and just mingling about. i'll visit with them soon.

going back into calgary again tonight, on bad roads (they're much better during the day though), so i'm going to go have my shower now and get ready to go see my KT! oh yeah, and it's mom's 56th birthday... happy birthday, mom!

November 08, 2002
1:46 PM  ()

...i believe in people being.
so, i stare at the wall today and i don't see a wall, i see my mind racing through different thoughts, different visions. i thought i was about to go insane and lose it. i'm disappointed, i wanted to be happy today. oh well, i'm not not happy, i'm just a little weird today. i can have fun with that. yes, i can. this song makes me want to fly.

9:26 AM  ()

...they're fools.
something funny and something i get to make fun of.

when people hit the search button they end up at my site using these words, haha.
with which key words
2. crap
3. bullshit

i find that amusing. oh, and i'm listening to the stares. i'm being cheered up.

second thing that i get to make fun of:
my school has started giving out parking tickets and tickets if they catch you sitting in your car. a girl has already got a 40 dollar "Bert Church Issue Parking Ticket" for sitting in her car. what the fuck? i don't personally sit in my car, i find no point in it, but what the hell? and now they're saying they'll tow cars and what not. why? it's not private property, there are no signs saying so, and there are no signs letting us know you can tow, therefore you can not tow our vehicles. i believe a bunch of us grade 12's are having a "sit in". we're just going to sit in our cars, let the tickets build up, lock the doors, and laugh. ha, because by the end of the day all we have to do is pick up all the tickets and take them back to the office and say "you left these on my car". adam has an appointment with the principal today, i think, to let her know that we are not pleased. we have to let someone in administrationg know how stupid we think they are, otherwise there's no point in doing this. i think this will be interesting.

November 07, 2002
10:09 PM  ()

...don't kill the little girl.
1. this is one strange movie that my father's watching.
2. listening to my parents fight over how to use the remote controls and get extremely frustrated because neither one of them knows which one does what is quite annoying. why the fuck do we have so many remote controls anyways? it's disgusting. fucking gross.
3. jamie got home today, went to visit him, picked up food. he's such a goof, i missed him.
4. i'm excited about tomorrow. maybe i'll try to look pretty tomorrow, for no reason. i just feel like looking into the mirror and feeling good about myself again. lately i just look extremely lazy, i'm told i look fine if i have a smile on my face. fuck you, what if i don't want to smile? i guess i just haven't been caring, even when i had a boyfriend, i wasn't really caring about my physical appearance. messy hair. cigarette in hand (it can look really disgusting, you know... actually, it should always look disgusting), and lazy clothes. tomorrow, i'll just be comfortable, maybe have some fun. should be a good show, too. people wise, at least.
5. i'm so frustrated with myself right now. haven't really taken the time to figure it out. i'm still looking for something i can't find, i should really stop looking then shouldn't i? that would be a smart idea. maybe i'm not exactly looking, maybe i'm waiting? but... waiting always makes things frustrating. so, i'll stop waiting.
6. goodnight.

November 05, 2002
11:20 AM  ()

...when did i arrive here?
i'm getting a sort of writers block. maybe it's karma for not sending cliff's letter yet. i will. i promise. he's going to hate me once he gets it. it's probably going to cost me a million dollars to send it.

i have to find my map. i have to remember how to get to southcentre, just one certain road. i'll find it. just have to find the map first. it's here somewheres. must meet kyla there.

November 04, 2002
11:47 PM  ()

...pictures of clifford. modified. for fun.
he's so gorgeous.
my dreamer.
definitely pretty. fall in love with him now.

November 03, 2002
10:35 PM  ()

...i'm in a strange mood.
i have been all day.

i had a dream today. kyla and i quit our jobs on site and screamed obsceneties at our managers with customers around. it was quite amusing.

November 02, 2002
12:47 AM  ()

...chinese food, running back and forth, and a lot of sweaty "unique" kids.
tonight was good, i enjoyed it. mainly because of the people i was around, and the failure. chris' band played, that was exciting, he looked like he was having so much fun. seemed sad by the end of the night, though. i wonder.

i wanted to see kill radio play, but by the time we got out of the aux i was pretty sure they had already played. so a big apology goes out to barbara because i didn't get to see her again for the rest of the night.

i keep hearing stories from all around me that just aren't true. i feel like i'm a bad person, but for what? from what i know of, nothing's happening... at all. but then when i hear otherwise, it disturbs me. i'm getting fucking tired of this.

ah, but a good night overall. excellent. i don't want to work tomorrow.