11:33 AM  ()

got the house to myself.
Listening to: Radiohead. "I wish, I wish that something would happen."

I've got the house to myself, and I've been dancing. This is pretty awesome. I'm so happy right now. Holy fuck.

9:44 AM  ()

a long time ago she would have bought this monstrosity,
and sent it to someone as a joke.
Amazing. Wow.

And uh, everyone have fun tonight. New Years Eve, man.
And you Airdrie kids stay safe. No getting in the trucks of those you don't know.
And don't go anywhere with RJ Harrison. He's pretty creepy.

December 29, 2002
11:30 PM  ()

i sleep better here, for some reason. always have.
Took off to Toronto today, had an adventure on the way back (included rushing around after trains and not knowing if we were on the right bus). Bought a pretty funky skirt, I like it. A guy offered to read us a poem for a penny, so we went back to him with a little over a dollar and he read us a poem about his ex-girlfriend. He said we were the first to actually walk up to him, so even though the poem wasn't a masterpeice (it was alright, of course), the fact that we probably made him smile gives me satisfaction. The people (with the exception of a few) on MSN bore the living fuck out of me.

I think I'll go to sleep now, seeing as it's actually easy for me to fall asleep here.
Oh yeah, and uh, the new Queens of the Stone Age album is great. Buy it. Now. And what not.

I have to get my hands on a Les Paul guitar. My own. I got to drool and stick my tongue out over some in Toronto, but that wasn't good enough. Someone make me rich, right now.

December 28, 2002
7:17 AM  ()

i missed ya, boys.
I got to see the boys yesterday afternoon, it was really good to see them. And Scott. Oh, fuck. That kid means so much to me. I'd mangle and destroy anyone who got in the way of his journey to find whatever it is us humans like to find. And Clifford. I just can't get over you. Extraordinary with perfect imperfections, and I just can't get over it. Wow.

My hair's all over the place and it's awesome. I want to hug everyone who walks in front of me.
I'm one fuckin' lucky girl.

December 27, 2002
7:06 AM  ()

overwhelmed by everything already.
I will never forget your smile, and how childish we both looked on either side of the glass before we finally could say Hi to one another. You're gorgeous, Clifford, and your height is intimidating. And the best part is, nothing's changed. You were perfectly honest with me, and I love you for it. Wow. Wow. Just. Wow.

December 24, 2002
6:02 PM  ()

kinda worried. but darling, he wasn't worth it.
So, take a look at this. I took them for you, I hope you laugh. I'm wearing your hat. Are you smiling yet? Yeah, baby. The last one's a big "fuck you" going straight out to him.

8:51 AM  ()

this is cute.
http://noradsanta.org/
Hahahaha. Oh god. The only reason I find it cute is because... well, shut up. I'm a nerd that way.
Little kids probably go to this site every hour on the hour just to see if Santa's a little bit closer. That's fucking hilarious. I wish Mackenzie wasn't in Disneyland right now, she'd be here telling me amazing stories about how she saw Santa last year. Oh yeah. Haha. I wish I was a little kid again.

8:39 AM  ()

and it gets worse.
I've woken up early. I've. woken. up. early. I'm quite angry about this, you see, because that means I'm starting to get far too excited and a little nervous at the same time. When I wake up. I can't get back to sleep. So this will result in my being tired tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep sometime during the day... oh god, I doubt it. I have to call the Brodie some time today, make sure I can track him down on Friday. I can't believe I can fucking say that. Holy shit. I can't fucking wait to fall asleep tonight.

December 23, 2002
1:29 PM  ()

I'm learning to hurt for you.

9:11 AM  ()

can you leave me the fuck alone for about five minutes?
I can still hear you breathing, I've already asked you to leave the room. So, uh, leave. Please.

Okay, fuck it, then.
Don't leave. I will.

December 22, 2002
8:22 PM  ()

i'm.
My head is pounding. Too many cigarettes. Too much light. I've even had to turn the contrast down on my screen, it's pretty low. Took some tylenol, hopefully this passes in an hour or so... wanting to sleep, but I can't. Bad night. Really bad night. They're sitting behind me, as usual after a night like this, acting like nothing happened. Okay, nothing happened. My head hurts too much to carry on with this.

And an apology goes out to the boy for the story. I wish I hadn't written it.
And an apology goes out to the girls for not being able to come out tonight. Just too much happening.

And... I wonder what happens now?

3:00 PM  ()

cheating heart break & crying less.
I worry. Yeah, I worry a lot. But like I told myself earlier, doubts get us nowhere. The more you doubt, the more of a chance there will be for things to just turn right around and head in the wrong direction. Tired. Really tired.

They're coming up with new rules about smoking around the house. Well, he is. It's quite hilarious, they're so insane as well. She even agrees with me, she said it before I did.

Got locked out of the house last night. It was frustrating, but funny, until they got home. He purposely did it, just so he could get angry about my not carrying a key. I haven't carried a key for longer than a day in years. Years. And I told him that I would be home before them, he knows I don't carry a key. Ah, fucker. He's having fun I suppose. Gives me something to bitch about and occupy my mind with so I don't start getting those stupid butterflies again. I keep getting butterflies every time I think about how close it is to my take off. Agh, there they are. I have to keep myself from thinking about it or I'll make myself sick. I want a new body, one that does shut down every time I get a stuffy nose. One that doesn't ache all the time. And one that doesn't literally get sick if the mind gets excited. Guh. New body. Let's go buy one.

Friday night was great. I quite enjoyed friday night. Kyla & Lauryn are good to me. I thank them for it so often. Thanks again.

I saw Lord of the Rings last night. My back hurts because of it. Being scrunched down into a seat right up at the front row, flinging your head right or left just to see if there's something else on the other end of the screen. Holy shit. Good movie, though. I liked it. Big theatre. Good chicken. And uh, watery Sprite. We went to Chapters, too. Uh, the hot chocolate was nice. Warmed my hands. My hair's pretty today.

December 21, 2002
9:17 AM  ()

oh, isn't it so pretty? it's like driving in heaven.
Fuck that, I thought I was going to die. More like driving in hell. I hate fog, because as soon as you get out of the city of Calgary, onwards to my town, it's fucking thick as all hell and it's extremely frustrating. Mind you, it's pretty once you get into the city, because there's not a thing outside that isn't covered in frost. Kind of neat looking. The closest we've come to looking at snow in the past while. I believe we got our snowfall at the stupidest time of the year, July or something. Just dumped it all on us, confused the hell out of us, and pretty much has given us a break for Christmas. Well, isn't that nice. I hate fog.

December 20, 2002
12:48 PM  ()

when message light blinking: 1. follow prompts.
I'm sitting at the store, waiting for 3:00 to roll around so I can go get my hair cut or something. Tomorrow's another day of running around, getting things done before I leave and other family stuff. From what I know of, at least. Guh. My Mom plans on calling Clifford's parents (well, his Mom) tonight and... I think that's kind of stupid seeing as it's a Friday night. I don't know, friday evenings are when you leave people (adults) alone. So I might convince her to call tomorrow, I don't know, it's up to her, and it also depends on what time we get home. Fucking time zones. Agh, I hate this place. This is a really comfy chair though.

I think I'm going to hang around in the back now, climb up on the carpet rolls like I used to when I was little, hide up in the rack. Or I'll look for the photocopier. They've moved it from in here. I'll have to go on a hunt. And I can smoke back there, and it's warm, so... I'm so totally gone...

December 19, 2002
11:57 PM  ()

some last minute bitching.
(huge rant was here, it is now deleted to make things a little less... personal)
Dad. Ugh. The only reason I hung up was because I didn't want to him to hear you with that certain tone of voice. That tone when you start to fuck up, when you start bringing all the old back and you don't use your head. Don't fucking touch me, again, alright? I've tried for so many years to keep our fights silent and between the both of us, but as soon as you fucking start up while I have someone over or I'm on the fucking phone, that's just... it bothers me. I want people to believe you're working on it, I want to believe you're working on it. We all slip up, we all make mistakes, but you just keep doing it for what seems to be pleasure. It's a part of you that will never disappear. What are you going to do when I'm gone, when I'm not around to pretend to be the weak one anymore? Are you going to fuck up with her again? I'll tear your fucking heart out of you do anything to her again. Remember that look Jason gave you when he was young? That "you fucking try that again when I'm older, you fucking bastard, and see what happens" kind of look? Yeah. Try it. I've only got a few months left to go, and I don't want to tear you and her apart yet. She loves you for the changes you've made for her. And remember, she was the one who wanted to leave in the first place, I was the one who convinced her to allow you back into our lives. So we finally removed the furniture from the front doorway and waited for you to try to walk through again, but that time we let you. And you kept your promise to her, but not to me. So many years I've tried to hide that from others. You make it hard for me to do so sometimes, like tonight for example. If I hadn't hung up, he would have heard you, he would have heard us and the strange silence we have when you're gripping my arm. I know you hate that look I give you, the look of pure disappointment and disgust, it's the only reason you throw my arm in the other direction and storm off back to your TV room. Oh fuck, grow up.

10:15 PM  ()

i can't say i've seen him smile that much.
That was fucking cool. Gary (brother) isn't the person I used to know, at all. Not at all. This girl has totally taken a hold of him and his life and shaken him into the real world. I've never seen him have a persistent smile on his face before. He turned thirty-three today, it's about fucking time he found himself a girl. Oh, man, and he knows it, too. He's got a good one. Don't let that one get away, Gary. Shit, man. I remember the type you used to date, I remember. I remember when you babysat me with one of them once, and flipped out at me for tickling you when she had told me to. You sent me to my room. You used to be a huge asshole. But now. Oh man. I love you. You're making some good changes, darling. Keep them. You're doing fucking amazing.

Mackenzie, my neice, is a weirdo. And she kind of freaked me out at some point. I dazed off listening to everyone, and just spaced right out. And when I came to, Mack was rocking back and forth on her knees smiling at me saying "I'm going to kill mysewf!!". It freaked me the fuck out. I looked at Jason (her dad, my brother) and kind of asked him "what the hell?" and then we both proceeded to tell her not to say things like that. Shit, that was freaky. She meant she was going to die from laughing so much, but I didn't realize it until she... re-said it. Whoa. She likes being tipped upside down. I like carrying her. My other neice, Kelsey, hates me. But she hates everyone. She gave me a hug tonight though, kind of. Whatever. She'll come around. They always do. Ha, these two are such snobs. I love it.

Shit, Gary. I can't get over your smile.

Oh yeah, and I'm getting better. Ear infections and shit, though. Antibiotics. Will be gone soon. Mom rocks. I love Mom. But she's being annoying and asking me ridiculous questions at the moment. Must end this here.

12:48 PM  ()

fucking doctors... and they're ... AH. so happy.
So, as many times as they told us it was cancer and told us to prepare for the worst and spend a lot of time together and all that insanity... they sent her to a sergeon today, and he doesn't think it's cancer at all. It's still a growth, and they're going to remove it, but he doesn't think it's cancer. HE DOESN'T THINK IT'S CANCER. HOLY SHIT. Fucking awesome. I love you, Mom.

9:42 AM  ()

the man said this was page forty one.
A continuance of the strange dream.
The man disappears, he's no longer part of it. He walks away after telling me a fucking page number. Reference was made to the book. The boy's ex-girlfriends appear one by one, and they all blow cigarette smoke in his face, and then he was in a coffee shop, where everyone around him were talking. His mind about to explode, smoke coming at him in all directions. Then he points at me and says to a friend: "she is one who'll never, ever, purposely blow smoke in my face," and turns around.

December 18, 2002
11:20 PM  ()

the perfect stranger. yeah.
My days of walking around in the dark, literally, are over. Finger hurts... heh... time to mock someone: Owwwww.

But, on to what's important:
I'm glad I can make you smile.
And always remember that my strength is here if ever needed, but you already knew that before I even had to say it, I'm sure. Hang on for the future, baby. You're gonna dance.

5:00 PM  ()

the frosted tip of a blade of grass.
So, I'm ready to leave the house. I'm taking off from here around 5:00, I should be at Lauryn's by 5:30. Do I remember how to get there? There's two ways... yeah, I remember. Okay, good. I'm set. Tomorrow night is my brother's birthday party, they all want me there, my brother wants me to have a beer with him because we haven't talked in a long time. Oh yeah, and I finally get to meet his girlfriend. Gary has a girlfriend, he never introduces people to his girlfriends. He's pretty sure she's the one, they're both pretty sure they want to marry one another. Or something. Ha, and he always told me I'd be the one to marry first over him. Yeah right. Marriage is ... creepy. Anyway, so they want me there. I have to complete an essay tomorrow before school's out so I can drop that off at some point during the day. Friday... I don't think I'm going to have any time to rest now until Christmas Eve and Day. Friday's full of crazy appointments and another doctors appointment to hear about my blood test results, and good luck to Clifford on that day as well with the insanity he will be experiencing that day. Friday night, I can't even remember what's going on. Sean wants to do something, but I'm pretty sure something else is planned. Probably a few things, actually. I'm so bad with that. Bad memory, bad memory. Saturday & Sunday I think I want to spend with the girls, but I have to talk to them about that first. And I have to find out what else is going on, just in case there is something. I better not have to go see my Aunt Eileen this year, I hate going there around Christmas. I haven't been in years, but seeing as everyone's getting chummy now, I'm not sure what's going on. She's the one that I swore, if I ever have a wedding, she's not coming to it and she will never be invited to anything... none of them will be. I'm quite a private stay-away-from-relatives-other-than-immediate-family type of person. I'm like Joey! Wow. My brother and I rock.

I have one night to get better. And it's tonight. This coffee binge better help me out somehow. Maybe I should have tea... no, man. That totally doesn't work.

I have to go see Lord Of The Rings some time soon, too. WITH MY DAD! Because we're cool losers like that. Maybe I'll do that on Saturday night... oh shit. SEE! I'm so bad with this.

Oh yeah, and counsellor thing went ridiculous, just as I thought it would. She had the wrong fucking file out. "Your parents are divorced, right?" Uh, no. "Oh, let's take a look here... well it says... oh, sorry." Yeah, wrong fucking kid, lady.

12:21 PM  ()

can't get off this ride.
ALRIGHT. If this sickness doesn't fucking pass by the end of this weekend, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a little fucked though, I know that. I'm going to feel like such an asshole if I go to Ontario sounding like a sick horse. I'll be fine.

Must shower. Must clean room. Must go out for a few hours tonight when Mom gets home. Must. Get. Better. Need cigarettes. Oh fuck, no wonder I'm not well yet.

December 17, 2002
4:16 PM  ()

ooh, i don't like that.
First, I'd like to say to a certain someone that things are going to be fine, and you're going to get through it. It was an accident. And the only thing that matters is that you're all okay.

Alright, now.
My arm hurts. My abnormal fear of people touching my wrists, whatever you call the inside of your elbow (where you get needles taken, ahem), ankles, neck, and whatever you'd like to call the back of your knees... all those tender areas.. is really hitting me right now. I'm extremely grossed out and fidgety because I just had blood taken. I tense up, not a good thing. I can feel everything. My arm stills wants to act limp and just not do anything. My fingers are purple and my hands are shaking even more than they usually do. I'm creeped out.

Another thing. I'm extremely pissed off with my school administration and counselling system at the moment. One of the three teachers has brought to attention the fact that my Mother is ill to the counsellor. Yes, she called me down today. I can not stand dealing with school counsellors. I've flipped out at many in the past few years for the stupid shit they've called me down for (especially the "rather be dead than cool" Nirvana reference I had on my arm after a concert in grade 10 written in permanent marker, them thinking I was suicidal and shit).
"Heather, *weak pathetic sympathetic smile inserted here* it has been brought to my attention that your Mother is ill."
Uh, yeah.
"And you've been absent for quite a while, everyone's worried about you."
Meaning you and three other teachers, right?
"Yes. I know this isn't a very good time, seeing as there's 5 minutes left of class and the bell's about to ring for you all to go home. But I was wondering if you'd come in tomorrow at some point to see me."
Why? (Of course, I knew why.)
"Well, you must be going through hell right no.."
Right. The whole stress thing right? Yeah. That's there. But my Mom's fine, we're fine, and we're all quite great. The only thing that's wrong with me right now is my health.
"That can be caused by the stre..."
Look, I'll be in tomorrow just to humor you. But I have to go now.
*end conversation and heather leaves as counsellor smiles weakly again at her*

Christ. My Mom's pulling me out of school again for the rest of this week, so I won't be back at school until January 6th or 7th, whenever it starts. One of those two days. I'm just going in tomorrow to watch a video in second period about the Cold War and then after that, going to see the ever so helpful counsellor that will be there for me always when I need her. Ugh. And then I'm coming home. I'm not allowed out tonight, I hope I can go somewhere tomorrow. I need the insane amount of coffee and cigarettes consumed by Heather and Lauryn tomorrow night. I really hope I can. Fuck. I hate being sick.

10:19 AM  ()

page forty.
Alright, in my dream I ask a man where all my answers are, and he leans across the table and tells me they're on page 40 of a book called "Dramatic Kissing After the Age of Seventeen". Oh yeah? That sounds like a song title, you bastard. And what kind of dream is that anyways? A two second dream and it took me 9 hours to dream it. Anyways, not all my answers are in a book, sir.

December 16, 2002
10:37 PM  ()

instead of stressed i lay here charmed.
Are you dreaming yet? Yeah. The sky's watching me, it's bright tonight in my world even though I can't see a thing past the garden. The chairs are set up just right again, they were listening to me, they heard me say what I said. They heard me giggle to myself and saw me add a little skip to my step through the door. Did you see that? A shooting star, a fucking shooting star. Everything and everyone I have drowned out with this noise, my ears are ringing. They all mouth goodnight, I can read their lips, if only I could read their thoughts. There's no one here, but there's a party, and I'm ignoring it. I prefer to be dancing alone right now. Hey, are we dreaming yet?

8:47 PM  ()

wicked traps & your scent lingers.
Must keep the mind occupied. Going insane. Impatience. Impatience. Jesus. And it's only going to get worse. I've made plans. I've got things to keep me from getting too excited. Not including tonight, seeing as it's almost over. EIGHT! 8 more days! And Scott, when the hell are you going to be home so I can call you and get the low down on the girlfriend, yo? For fuck's sake, you busy boy.

Hm. And I hope the other's okay.
Lift your spirits, honey.
I can't wait to finally watch your lips move.

10:57 AM  ()

creepiest thing of the week.
So, I go upstairs and there's a million people in my house other than my parents. Mom's nowhere to be seen. A bunch of women just staring at my scruffy self wondering if I just fucking fell down the stairs or something. I freaked out. And now they're all hiding in my Mom's room, cleaning. But they did explain to me that they were the cleaners. Oh, fuck. The cleaners! Why the hell do we have cleaners? Mom never told me they were coming... oh wait, yes she did. Fuck.

December 15, 2002
10:43 PM  ()

an overwhelming feeling of dirtyness just came over me.
Yeah, I'm mad at you. The way you took it from me. "I didn't want you to feel like you weren't good enough." Fuck that, you slut. You took it from me because I didn't know what the fuck was going on, I was shaking, I was trembling, and it hurt. You were gentle but you still took it from me that way. That disgusting way. No door, and on the floor. Intoxicated while they all danced in the other room and your father was asleep on the couch. I'm so fucking angry with you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't believe I let it happen.

And then you, we're lucky. We're lucky it didn't ruin anything. We're lucky I knew that it wasn't real. I wanted to, you wanted to, but we both had a strange look on our faces in the morning. Waking up next to you was the oddest feeling I have ever experienced.

Oh god, and then him. I don't even know your last name. I haven't seen you since. I don't care. I didn't care. I just wanted the boy who made me literally sick over what he did to his girlfriend out of my head. I wanted it gone, I thought you'd help me forget. You were pretty, you had nice hair, you had smooth skin, but you disgust me. Do you even remember my name? I doubt it all. I don't want you to remember my name. I don't want to remember you.

I feel fucking gross right now.
But you, the way you took it from me. The fucking way you did it. And what you said. What you said for fuck's sake. "I didn't want you to feel like you weren't good enough." FUCK YOU! Fuck you for making me feel like this.

Thank you for nothing. You are shit, you are nothing. You are exactly what you think you are. I cared, I tried, but all for no reason. I was used, and in denial.

I deserve better than that.

10:06 PM  ()

they stand uncertainly underneath immense skies, and everything about them is drowned.
-kerouac

Can you hear that? It's making me move, and when I closed my eyes I could still see everything clearly. Everything was a little brighter, and everyone had a little more rose in their cheeks, and we all stood out just like we would if we were all placed in a famous painting. Can you hear it, yet? Mysterious sounds and words. Hey, let's all pretend we're spies. I'll step around the corner and my victim will be standing there and I'll point my fingers as though I'm about to shoot. I'll draw back as if I did and blow the tips of my fingers all sexy like, just like in the movies, and then my victim will notice and smile. Why, hello there, handsome. Can you hear that? Of course you can. You're the only one that ever could.

1:50 AM  ()

and now we've created
our own hurricane.
blissful and indestructable,
________our own disaster.

let it hit, let it hit.
the only harm it can cause is inside our eyes.
i can take it on, baby.
let it hit.

December 14, 2002
2:32 PM  ()

oh, the ideas!
So, I bought something today.
Clerk: I can tell you a funny story about those.
Me: I'm sure I'll have a funny story to tell you about these when I get back. (I said this in a very odd manner.)
Clerk looks at me as though I'm some fucked up weird girl and tells us her story as quick as she can so she can let me know we're not thinking about the same thing.
It was quite hilarious.
Ha, excellent. You're going to hate me.

2:02 AM  ()

maybe...
Yeah. Maybe I did have something amazing to say... but I'm not quite ready to say that yet.
Or maybe it wasn't so amazing at all.
Either way, not yet.

My eyes are dry, I'm shaking, and I can't say I've ever cried feeling extremely pathetic and happy at the same time... not like that, no. I'll be up for a while tonight.

Hey, you know... it's all okay.
Don't let your imagination get the best of you here.
It's not the time for that quite yet.

December 13, 2002
10:32 PM  ()

okay, coffee, hotness, good music, and a hell of a lot of laughs.
life's just goin' over our heads, girls.
HUMPTY'S IS NOW OFFICIALLY THE WEIRDEST PLACE EVER. Humpty's is where Lauryn, Kyla, and myself go to smoke our faces off and drink unhealthy amounts of coffee. That woman was weird. Christ, the people we meet when we're not expecting it. First this woman tells us we're hot, then she makes Brock uncomfortable by telling him (and the rest of us) that she's a PORN QUEEN and that she likes the SEX. This elder woman, and her embarrassed husband. "I don't know her." That totally just flew over my head. "Oh, the memories." "Oh, the journal entries." And I try to hold back the laughter. What. The. Fuck?
hey, you potty mouth.
"I'M A PORN QUEEN." whhhhaaatttt????
Anyways, Brock's a pretty cool guy. He bites his fingernails and he sings the Grapefruit song. I'm glad he came so that I could meet him.

And damnit, I'm extremely hyper right now.
Every time I drive down Macload... how the fuck so I spell that? Anyways, every time I drive down M. Trail there's always about five or six cars full of prissy boys that honk their horns and try to drive beside me in order to talk to me. What do I do about this? I leave my window down and I finish my cigarette, and then... well, I close the window. And keep listening to the radio or tape, whatever's goin' down at the time. It's just annoying. I really like the drive home when I'm alone, I like singing and screaming and what not. It's kind of fun.

2:25 PM  ()

jesus christ.
listening to:
the stares - sexy thoughts in an unairconditioned car.

fucking hell, boys. don't give up. you're going to definitely get somewhere. holy fuck. must rock out now.

11:52 AM  ()

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
So, soon enough, probably some time after christmas, Heatherlaird.com will be Egotastika.net. HL.com will still be up, but it'll just re-direct everyone to the other site. Sigh. Yuppers. And I quite enjoy this song. Rock on, Nancy.

I watched the end of Vanilla Sky today, I'd really like to rent that movie. It was strange, and even though I already know what happened, I'd still like to see how they started it all out.

I've missed far too much school. I'm at home again, but I'm going out at 3:00 when my Mom gets home. I'm being told to come home at 9:00. Christ, I haven't had a curfew in a long time. It's because I'm sick. And I have to go in for bloodwork soon. I should do that today while my Mom's in Calgary. I'm fucking scared of needles. I'm not going... phone's ringing. Fucking telemarketers. I need to go buy cigarettes... I don't have the car. God damnit.

December 12, 2002
10:46 PM  ()

i already told you what i wish i could be.

11:39 AM  ()

days i recall being wonderful.
So I had another strange dream last night. I was sitting downstairs with someone (I know who it was, but I prefer not to mention them on here) and I was doing laundry at the same time, and all of a sudden there was this huge fire in the laundry room, and my dog (Nicky, who's not been alive for a year now) was trapped in the room. I started freaking out and calling their name. All I got out of it was a "What do you want?", "Hang on," and a "I'm too comfortable". I finally made my way into the door of the family room where they were with tears streaming down my face, screaming, and not making any sense. This person, all they did was look at me and ask me why the fuck I was crying. I felt so lost and alone, I jumped in the fire after my dog... and neither of us came back out. And this person just sat in the living room, watching television... I can definitely get something out of that dream. All it really means is they're no longer there. Unsettling dream though, I can't recall any time where I've actually died in any of my dreams. Although, I did spontaneously combust once. That was pretty cool, until I woke up extremely hot and somehow my clothes had made their way off my body and to the bottom of the bed under the covers. That wasn't too great.

I just broke a string on my guitar, I hate that. God damnit. I really hate that. And I don't have any left, so this means I have to spend more money I shouldn't be spending for guitar strings. I need to replace them all, they're too old. I like to change them every 4 months... they've been on there for longer than that. Makes me feel dirty. Ick.

I'm upset with my Mom right now, but I kind of get where she's coming from. I really wanted to go out for two hours or so tonight to get together with Kyla and Lauryn, but it's looking not so. But tomorrow, I think I can do it tomorrow. I'm going to school tomorrow, so I should be able to do whatever I want. Ha, my Mom's been treating me so well lately. She wants me to stay home tonight for two reasons though: a) my being sick and not going to school today (Yeah, I get sort of punished for not going to school, I'm usually not allowed out for the rest of the afternoon/evening, I feel like I'm in grade 7, awesome) and b) It would be dark by the time I went out there or came back from Calgary, and the lights inside the car are really dim, and I can't fucking see anything. I'm used to the lights being really bright inside the car so I can see my speed and everything, yeah. I can't see that. Even though I speed a lot anyways, it still freaks me out when I can't keep track of the kilometres per hour that I'm doing at that moment in time. And my Dad won't let me drive his car. Bastard. I love his car, such a smooth ride. It's such a rich bastard car, too. Always smells new inside, always clean on the outside, huge... it's a hot car. But I hate it, because I can't drive it.

My Mom went through all my old stuffed animals today and picked out ones I might like to keep. She's sending the rest out for charity Christmas gifts for little kids. They're all in quite good shape, I took care of my stuffed animals... well, I had a huge obsession with them, so of course I did. "Fill the atmosphere, it's gently laced with nicotine and spice."

10:40 AM  ()

numbed fingertips.
Hey, space me out for a second time.
I can't wait to hear you cry.
Nothing here is quite accomplished, she's gone and
Drank her dreams away.
Never fell in love,
she's just never fell.
Too scared of the bruises and scars.
Hear her last sigh
as she finally allows herself to fall
for the first time.

I'll stand here and lean against this wall,
as I'm smoking this cigarette
kind of like James Dean,
and I'll wave goodbye to myself.

December 11, 2002
7:28 PM  ()

arrest this girl.
I remember Meagan sending this picture to me. Black hair, everyone's wet, my hair's curly... gross. But it looks like a fun picture. We had a good night that night. Good concert. Click here to witness the hilarity. It's so like me, as well. With a pack of smokes in my hand, and a dopey smile on my face. Ha.

I have an inhaler now, a steriod inhaler. For this sickness in which I'm trying to get rid of. I'm listening to the Get Up Kids and I'm hugging a big brown teddy bear that my Mom bought for me the day after Scott moved. Ha, it had a big sign that said "MY NAME IS SCOTT # 2" on it. My Mom's fucking cool.

I went to Chinook Mall today, I told the girls in Smart Set to say Hey to Lauryn for me. I wonder if they did. I bought new shoes. And a new skirt. It looks so 60's, I rock. I really hope I can go out for an hour or so tomorrow night. I'm dying.

December 10, 2002
6:07 PM  ()

coolest thing ever!
MY SCOTT HAS A GIRLFRIEND! OH MY! AHHHH! SO CUTE! SCOTT! GIRLFRIEND! AHAHA! I love it! I love it, I love it! I think I just scared him. Haha. I've just scared myself. AWWW!!! SCOTT!!!! girlfriend. Excellent. That is so awesome. That bastard, he never tells me anything.

2:31 PM  ()

lamp shades & oranges.
In school at the moment. Something funny happened today, actually, I find it quite hilarious. I was called down to the office today, thinking that I was in shit for the amount of school I've been missing lately, and they hand me a letter and a box of smarties. I hand them back and say "Uh, you have the wrong person, I've missed a lot of school. These are for those happy kids that never miss a day, aren't I right?" They look at me funny, say "No", so I kind of quickly leave the room feeling like a big fool. By this time I still don't know what the hell's going on, all I know is I have a free box of smarties and to hell with all else, I'm eating them.

Now, I finally take time to read this letter.
The front: Heather Laird 12 / 12 D 72789
Alright, let's open it.

Message:
November, 2002
Heather Laird
Grade 12

Dear Heather,
You are to be congratulated on your outstanding achievement on earning a place on the Honourable Mention Roll at BCHS. This honour speaks highly of your academic apititude and achievment. Okay, THE MOST HILARIOUS SENTENCE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Knowing that your high marks did not just happen but required hard work (HARD WORK?! WHAT?! I do shit all in school...) and extra effort (... must hold in the laughter.) on your part, you can be very pleased with your accomplishment. Your dedication to your studies (oh man... they used the word dedication and a word that represents me beside one another.) will pay you countless dividends in the future.

I want you to know that your teachers and the administration at BCHS are extremely proud of your accomplishment. Continue to carry on our motto to "Strive for Excellence"!

Sincerely,
(the principal)
___

*bursts into laughter*

1:51 AM  ()

but are you ready for "friskey thursday's"?
I've been doing nothing but sleep, and it's alright. I'm extremely giddy and apparently "cute" sounding to everyone at the moment. It's fun, because I'm totally out of it and I don't even really know why I'm on here at the moment. I just sort of woke up. The last thing I remember was talking to Cliff on the phone and then *BAM* I was outside and Kyle and I were sitting on my driveway smoking and cracking extremely cheesy jokes.

I really hope I don't have to wake up tomorrow. I really don't want to. I feel like ultimate crap. And I must get rid of all this before Thursday. Yes, I'm going to enjoy Thursday.

I wish I could call you, but I think you're sleeping. You should be, if you're anything like me at the moment. We all had the same amount of rest, ha. We need more.

December 08, 2002
8:20 PM  ()

another bright light and a little less explosion.
The war, the war, the war.
I'm still in battle,
ready to tackle it all and
throw it into the river.
I wish it could be written,
written on paper
ready to be torn.
I'd let each piece drift from my fingers
and blow in every direction
in another cool breeze.
The war, the war, the war.
It's almost over.
The scent of "perfume & cigarettes"
is what makes me so fucking sure of it.

12:14 PM  ()

not enough sleep but don't give a shit.
My hair's a mess, I'm comfortable, and I'm waiting for the girls to wake up so I can giggle with them for an hour or so before I take off. I have to spend time with my Mom today, I no longer have a job, my Mom and I should have that day together. I think my Aunt's coming out though, so I'll have to share her. Aw, I don't want to.

"I'm really glad you're here now, you mean the world to her."
I really love her Mother. That dress is gorgeous. She says she's going to have my hair fixed, which would be lovely because it's absolutely disgusting. Dry, straight, and not it's natural color yet. I've ruined it. Ah, such a girl, bitching about my hair. Gotta love it.

Hey you know what, I must remind myself. I go to Ontario in 17 days. Oh baby.

December 07, 2002
3:43 PM  ()

ah fuck it.
Yeah, I'm not going to work.

3:09 PM  ()

this kind of bruise is totally worth it.
You know, I don't think I've ever slept at someone's house for the first time and woken up comfortable and ready to start giggling before. This morning was quite a change, I woke up like so, and it was great. I'm at home now, not liking it too much other than for the fact that I get to leave again later on and smile for hours. I don't want to go to work, it's my last shift ever with this company and I'm so fucking happy about it. I'd run off and ditch them if I didn't need their reference for future use if requested. Buh. It's only 5 hours, I can survive, I suppose. As long as it's not one of the new kids I'm working with, I'll flip if it's true, and then I'll con them into selling me cigarettes because I am almighty and powerful and I've worked there for 5 months (fuck, wow, or something) as opposed to 5 days. Ha. Yeah. That's good stuff. Man, I think that's the only reason I'm going to work tonight. Well, one of the two. Shut up. To buy cigarettes. I don't feel like making an effort to drive over to Hi-Ho Gas Station and buying them there. The lazyness.

The show last night was great. And staying up late with the girls was great. And drinking coffee at Humpty's was great. And being giddy over the cute waiter was great. Last night was great. Curtis Fagan is... interesting. Ha. He said I was cute? And Kyla has pretty eyes. John Gerrard makes the greatest faces in the world. And uh, Lauryn. Oh man! You fucking rock!!

2:39 AM  ()

respectively gazing, just couldn't look away.
I'll admit, I'm very tired right now. And I'm not at home. About to have a shower once Kyla's finished. I've had a great night. I must say, this is how it should be. I have to thank you for it, and you, and myself. Thank you so much.

And that "A big fuck you to the guy that harmed his ex-girlfriend" from Knucklehead over the speakers was fan-fucking-tastic. I danced hard tonight, and I think she did as well. Groovy, man. Groovy. Time for a cigarette and another cup of coffee.

December 06, 2002
1:19 PM  ()

ok. forgotten. must deal now.
I bought myself a ring today, for far too much money, but it was... okay. I guess. Now, more insanity to deal with today, but it's all good. I can do this. I'm really upset with myself, but... I'm okay. Agh, don't make me feel like a drunkard.

Tonight will be good. You people located in the Calgary area should head over to the Knucklehead show at the Auxillary tonight. Should be fucking rad.

December 05, 2002
10:47 PM  ()

alright.
Your fingers are no longer numb, you're an idiot. All for this. Something so fucking unimportant. You broke. You. Ugh.
I'm an idiot and I'm drunk.

8:25 PM  ()

what i'd give to be the one.
have my name linger on your tongue.

Tonight's been really long, and I really wish I was somewhere else. I want to be over there, and over there. I tried making a layout. I don't think I did too well, but I'm far too lazy to go and fix that at the moment. I'm excited about tomorrow. The show, I think, is going to be quite enjoyable.

I've sat around smiling all day, and I watched really bad movies, and then I went to DT's with Heather... and now I feel as if I'm the only person awake in the world. It's only 8:30, but... this is strange.

12:37 AM  ()

i'm here, i'm there, and i'm real.
See that? That right there? Yeah. Real.

I want to surprise her, show up in her school parking lot and call her and say "Yeah, look this way," and wave at her and go anywhere. I would, I definitely would if I had the car. But it's Mom's turn tomorrow, she's going shopping and chillin' with her sister. Awesome. Either way, it's all fine, I can always surprise her another day, for there will be so many.

My Dad. My Dad, the one whom rarely talks to me about anything can feel my happiness right now, the radiance. He talked with me, he wants to hear more tomorrow. The phone rang, a voice I had wanted to hear but didn't think I would tonight. So groovy to hear him smile. I can't get over this. Him. And her, and her. And all this. And everything. Fuck. Wow. One I would die for and who just makes life that much better, one as my match and fuel for the fire, and the other that just shines and shines and I stand there stunned in admiration.

I'll turn to ash if any of this is taken away from me, as things in the past usually have been.
I'll turn to nothing if he turns away.
I'll burn out.
And then I'll be left in the dark.
Again.
And I can't fucking do that anymore. I'm not letting go of this. Any of it.
Fucking cool, man.
Really cool.

I shouldn't have said any of that. Paranoia is what drives things away. I have to sleep now.

December 04, 2002
11:17 AM  ()

fantastic blankness and boredom.
I've started reading "Lolita" (Vladimir Nabokov) and I'm really getting in to it. "Metamorphosis & Other Stories" (Franz Kafka) was fantastic, I quite enjoyed that. Mainly the short stories. Two that really reached out to me in particular would be "The Country Doctor" & "The Bridge".

I really didn't want to fall asleep until late last night, I ended up crawling out of bed at 2 in the morning and having a bath. I was so relaxed, it was nice. I ended up only having about 4 hours of sleep last night, and I'd usually wake up extremely grouchy... but this morning was different. My Mom layed next to me on my bed, and I felt it, it woke me up, and I reached up to her face with my hand and just rest it there and she couldn't stop laughing, and neither could I. Fucking cool.

December 03, 2002
10:26 PM  ()

i've never felt this way before.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I've been pacing since I got home, this is the first time I've sat down and I don't want to do it for long. I'm so overwhelmed. I can't stop smiling. I'm just going to let it flow right through me, it seems like the right thing to do. It is. I'm throwing my hands out to the sky and looking up to the stars, just letting myself obsorb every ounce of it. It feels so good. I don't want to fall asleep until late, again, tonight.

12:15 PM  ()

i've never seen these people before.
I seriously haven't. I feel like I'm in an entirely different school. The only thing that hasn't changed about this library is it's looks and that everyone still talks to themselves. Hm. John Gerrard sent me a link to some site that was (Strong Bad) absolutely beyond ridiculous. It definitely made my morning. The word "jibblies" was used, and now... that there be a funny word. Kill my job. Throw your daggers right at it. Ah, only a few more days.

December 02, 2002
11:22 PM  ()

wow. just...wow.
I screamed the words out so loud with a smile on my face to the song, a tear of fucking happiness made it's way down my cheek, and I laughed. Oh, how I laughed. On the way back into town I looked at the Festival of Lights sign and see "Festiv f Li s", I couldn't stop laughing. I could hear her mocking it already, and her laugh, so contagious. I could just hear it, and I said right out loud: Baby, we're on fucking fire. Noboby, and I mean nobody can stop us. That's right, you bastard. Not even you. We laugh at the thought of you even trying.

Lauryn and I. We drank insane amounts of coffee tonight, smoked so many cigarettes, laughed, and at points we were both almost in tears. There's so much to share, so much to say. I am so overwhelmed, I'm shaking more than I usually do. (Half of it due to the amount of caffiene in my body, I'm sure.) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, sooo much. We're going to fucking dance our way through this, we're going to hold up our middle fingers and scream "Yeah! That's fucking right!" and we'll have that rock-out expression on our faces. You know, the one. The one where we act tough, scrunch up our faces in that fun way, and throw our fists up in the air and just feel it flow right through us. Yeah, that's the one. That's it right fucking there.

3:23 PM  ()

yes, those definitely are hazard symbols on that menu.
Sometimes I feel really gone and distant from everything except you. I still have my two shiney pennies, and it seems to be that I've found another. I'll keep those ones in my pocket, thanks. They can't have 'em.

December 01, 2002
11:28 PM  ()

i don't think so.
Much better. Yes.
Hey, so this book I'm reading is pretty rad. Kafka's a damn good writer. It's a shame he didn't want anything published, but of course a friend of his went against his wishes. Interesting stuff. This weekend has been such a blow to the head, time to forget now. I'm excited about tomorrow, I have a feeling it's going to be an alright day. I get to sleep in, I don't work. It's all happenin'. I talked with one of the new guys that started at our store tonight on the way back into town, Chris. I "put in a good word" for him. That's all I wrote on the paper, and he was hired. He seems to be doing pretty good. He looks like a complete snot, but he's a nice guy. Just like kicking walls.

Yeah. Tomorrow's going to be a satisfactory day, I think. Cliff, I'm sorry I missed your call.

4:29 PM  ()

laughter. oh, the fucking laughter.
Darling, protect yourself. You were the proof, you were the one he is a threat to. You're the pretty girl that needs to now have your eyes stray elsewhere and look for what is really pure in this world. You are fantastic, alright? I do thank him for calling me tonight and allowing me to realize how fucking psychotic he really is. Boy, you keep convincing yourself. You keep lying to yourself. You are what she says you are. You're a liar. Alright? And there's something majorly wrong with your mind.

I'm through with that. I should have listened to Cliff earlier when he said to run away only a few hours ago. I don't have to run away now, he already has. Because I told the truth, and his call was even more proof for myself of how he actually is. Don't pull your shit on me, hun. I'm far too smart for that now. If I hadn't talked to her, I would have befriended you, and who knows what you could have been capable of. But even then, I would have been smart enough to drop you at some point. But now... oh, but now. I'm smart enough to do it immediately. Thanks for the laugh, that phone call was the most hilarious thing I have experienced in a while.

1:53 PM  ()

must get mother back for giving me this cough.
I left work early. I worked four hours and just sort of left. We were training someone, too. That might not go over too well. Our boss came in this morning all pissed off because Constance is an idiot, he was hungover as all hell and he had his kids with him. I didn't enjoy him being there. I told him I was leaving at noon, he looked at me and said "Awesome", so I didn't really have a problem just leaving abruptly without anyone else knowing. He knew. He was all good with it. He was hungover. He probably didn't hear me. Don't care much.

Just got off the phone. All morning I was saying "What the fuck" to myself and now after talking to him it's just more or less like "Okay, whatever." Back to how I usually feel about everything. It's kind of... better... that way, I suppose. He knows what's going on, as do I, but hearing someone else say it is kind of more reassuring... that doesn't look as though it's spelled right. Oh well. Cliff rocks. Huh... it's almost two. I think I'll find that dinner my parents brought home for me yesterday and watch a movie. Relax a bit. Yeah man. Groovy. I hope tonight doesn't get all fucked up.