January 30, 2003
4:13 PM  ()

in the small inspirational apartment.
Even Brock thinks my special friend is good looking.

12:46 PM  ()

goin' somewhere now.
I had that interview, things are looking promising. I picked up two courses from the Alberta Distance Learning Centre in Calgary today as well. General Pysch. and Personal Psych. The best thing about taking these courses is I have a year to complete them, I have no due dates, and I can send my assignments electronically rather than through snail mail. I wait a day for my corrected and marked assignment as opposed to two weeks. That fucking rocks. I'll be finished these courses in far less than a year, and I'll be onto others quite soon. Oh yeah, and I get my money back once I've completed them under a year and passed them with a minimum of 50%. Ha. Oh my. I love this new school. I love it.

Heading back into Calgary now, most likely. I took a nap in the car when my Mom went in Co-op for groceries (she takes forever), I'm a little more awake now. I need to cheer the fuck up though, even I can tell by the sound of my voice how stupid I feel right now. And on that note, my dog just gave me the funniest look with his hair from one ear sticking up all to one side. I have to go.

8:35 AM  ()

she said it was normal.
But either way, Kyla's right. I'm insane. Ha, well at least I was last night.

I have no appetite again, so it was hard to eat breakfast. My Mom's far too concerned with my looks. Honestly. I'll be talking about something serious with her and she'll cut me off "Heather, you really should wear that other sweater." Are you telling me this shirt doesn't look okay, Mom? "No, you look fabulous. But you should wear that other sweater. I want you to wear that sweater." I'm not 5, Mom. I'm capable of dressing myself. "Well, I wish you'd wear that sweater." And then I go back to attempt talking about what I was babbling about before, and then I'm interruped again. "Heather, let me fix that one part in your hair. I see a kink." GOD DAMNIT, MOM. NO. "I want you to look pretty." You just said I look fabulous. "Well, you could look better." Sigh.

Nothing is ever good enough for that woman.

Buh, I feel like such an idiot right now. Can't eat because of it.

And Ryan Warkentin, I hate you.

12:17 AM  ()

you asked why. an answer, in the least.
I'll tell you why now. It's because this is fresh, this is new. This is unbelievably new. It's interesting and fun and painful. The calm is not quite here, still in the storm. I can't wait to see what that'll be like. Either way, I'm protective of it's fragility. You have the power and I'm not used to it. Fresh, new, young. Sparkling, something I've never seen or known to be possible. Walt Disney said it's fun to do the impossible. I read that today and thought, "Shit, man. You're right." And I stood up, I turned around, closed my eyes. This is the impossible. This is the inevitable. This is fresh. This is new. You have the power. And it's fun. Then I laughed and became overwhelmed with fear. Still in the storm. This is why, this is why. I'm scared because I see so clearly. I see so clearly down one path, not two or three. Is that wrong? I'm scared because I may be blind. I have all this hope, and the feeling otherwise is just so strong. So right. This is right. All my life I've been paranoid, something I don't usually admit to, that I'd give one the power. The power. The power to leave. I'd die. I'd drown and then I'd die. I'd become the old lady with too many cats. I'd write sad novels to pass time, to pass away in my favourite chair. This is why. My imagination runs rampantly like a child's. It's usually what scares them away. But you're close, you're really close and I like it. But you have the power. Not "but". You have the power and I can't take it away. I realize now that you've always had it. Have I not revealed yet that I am really quite unintelligent? And that I really don't know what I'm talking about? Ever? I'm nothing, I'm going nowhere, and I'm human. But that's okay. I love you. You have the power and I don't believe you will ever abuse it. And I think it's safe with you. It's fun.

January 29, 2003
4:17 PM  ()

mrs. laird.
My mother is the worst driver to ever exist. If I hadn't been in the car with her today, she was bound to have severely injured or killed herself about 5 times. She's getting old and senile, and I'm starting to feel sorry for her. Was a pretty lady, but now she's nothing but scatterbrained. She doesn't pay enough attention to things as she should, like the road for example. Anyway, seeing as I've had more than my fair share of near death experiences today, I've decided never to get in the car with my Mother driving ever again. Although it would probably be a good idea that I went with her every single time she drove because I seem to be the only one noticing the things she should be noticing before she causes some sort of extreme accident or just doesn't know when someone else is being an idiot, she doesn't catch it in time. But no, if she wants me to get in that car with her again... she needs to get thicker lenses in those glasses of hers, or... no, I don't care. There's just no way.

Now that I've said that, I'll probably get in the car with her tomorrow morning because I won't feel like driving. And then, she'll kill me on the way to my job interview. Aw, fuck. I have to drive tomorrow, I need this job. (Oh yeah, they called me today about the Assistant Court Liaison job, finally. The Assessment starts on Tuesday. I think.)

11:27 AM  ()

no idea.
I have no clue on what I'm doing right now. Keeping myself occupied, I suppose. I'm ready to throw my computer and all sorts of other things into the wall. I feel disgusting.

9:13 AM  ()

Dave.
The "attention aspiring rockstars" is not in any way, shape or form, directed at you Stares kids. It's not directed at anyone, you see. Damnit, Dave. Way to make me feel bad and stuff.

Damnit! Dave!

And this morning. This morning is a bad morning. All the lights are on in the house, meaning the cleaners are coming... which is quite uncomforting for me. I feel like such a jerk when they're here. People are cleaning my house. People other than us who live in it. That's so frustrating. And the other part I won't even mention because I'm a big idiot. Oh yeah, and I'm quitting smoking or something like that.

January 28, 2003
5:43 PM  ()

why do i feel like i've done something wrong?
I have nothing to feel wrong about, so why?

12:24 PM  ()

the opening of this envelope by any other person
--including school staff or supervisors--
BEFORE, DURING, or AFTER administration
is a breach of examination security.
Heather Laird now bursts maniacally into laughter.

And Lauryn, he's stupid. Don't even waste another word on him. He doesn't deserve any of it. He wants you to write about him, you know. He wants it. He wants you to think about him whether it be positive or negative, he figures he wins that way. So, don't even give him the time. Run a few more steps away. Yup, just over there. You won't be able to see, hear, or feel a thing he is capable of writing, saying, or doing. He's not even a spec on the map anymore, he's just gone. Disappeared from over here. It's cool. He doesn't exist and stuff.

8:28 AM  ()

Mom = currently the most annoying person in the world.

January 27, 2003
10:44 PM  ()

something in the way, yeah.
Trespassing blue borders and writing fancy to fill the gaps. Is it heartburn? No, I haven't eaten. Either way, my heart is hurting. The radio told me my heart has wings, tonight. So, apparently, my heart has wings.

A test with big words written with plain font sealed in envelopes. It all occurs tomorrow. Cross your fingers, wish me luck. The best part is taking the booklet out and putting the garbage on the floor. The teachers have to pick it up. Who's the bitch now?

4:52 PM  ()

Woken up this morning by the sound of the telephone and then my Mother's voice making everything sound like the world was about to come to an end. I almost yelled at her, asking her why the hell she's waking me up. I don't have school today. "CLIFFORD'S ON THE PHONE!" Jesus, what? WAKE UP. And for some reason it felt like he was there shaking me or flicking me in the head like he did when I was staying there. Too much excitement for one morning. I decided to be a complete bastard, seeing as I was woken up at 9:50, the other Heather was woken up (by me) at 10:15. I wasn't suffering alone.

I've been watching "The Doors, Dance On Fire" today on and off, Jim Morrison was so pretty. My lightswitch is now starting to electricute me every single time I try to turn it on or off.

Sent another napkin note to Justin in DT's today. "Come on, sweet lovin'. Haha. Hope you are well. Signed, X." He called me crazy, and I called him weird and ugly. He looks too much like Ryan, and that's kind of unsettling. He was a lot of fun when we went to school together. Biggest nerd ever, but fun. Him, Fraser, and Nate. The only people I wasn't seriously bitter and sarcastic towards when I went to that school in Grade 9. Whoa. Grade 9. Grade 12. Tomorrow I have my last Diploma exam for this semester and then I'm out of that school. I'm doing everything else from home. It just hit me. Holy shit. Bye bye brick building of delirium. Except for one day a week for about 5 minutes when I turn in my working hours. Must get job.

Must finish "Bodily Harm", must finish movie. Must go blow kisses.

12:18 AM  ()

he spoke another language, and
it sounded gorgeous. and i felt like a
complete fool because i couldn't understand it.
I'm sorry this hurts.
You're pretty.
My feet are cold, and I wish I could press them against yours to warm them up.
Yeah, this really hurts.
Did you ever read what he said? He wrote how happy he was to know how ridiculously happy we are together. I thought that was kind of nice. Actually, I thought that was more than nice. I liked how he used the word "ridiculously" in a good way. It's true, and I like it. And I like you. And I like how you take your time when you're explaining or defining something. You wait those few seconds more just to pick up the right words, the words you feel fit. I really like that. I wish I could do that, and maybe one day I will be able to. But right now, I am horrible with talking. I can never find the right words fast enough, and I always end up sounding like a fool if I try. So I don't bother. I set it up beforehand sometimes, though... and then I wait for the right time to say it, or a good time. I'm scatterbrained.
We have to see each other soon. I'll go tomorrow to look for another job. I don't like waiting for these other people.
"Your skin makes me cry."

and you, miss.
You need to take that towel down off of your mirror. You really do. You have so much inside of you. Don't hide it, don't ignore it. You have to realize you're more than this. You're way more than this. And you must learn to accept and love yourself before you can do so for another without it ending tragically. Confidence. I don't know why you don't have this in that area. You need it. Gain it. Find it. It's there.

January 26, 2003
9:19 PM  ()

there, there. tap, tap.
I saw a movie tonight. Jealousy overwhelmed me because of this couple, drove me insane. And I really liked Heather's dream that she told me about.

Although I'm still a complete mess, I'm still capable of throwing myself back onto my bed and smiling as all the memories and the words he gave to me come rushing back to me. The places, the weather, the laughs, and the tears. Ha, and the look on his face when I wasn't finished straightening my hair and told him to leave without me. The rushed "ugh" look. The hilarity of that moment.

"That was the most terrified sounding 'hello' I have ever heard." Why, yes it was. Answering the phone at your house was such a task.

3:01 PM  ()

"marraige, for a man, is a forced march
over a scorching desert."
and apparently this is why adultry is committed.

Last night was nice. It was a lazy night with Kyla, bumming cigarettes off of her mother, and cheesy movies. It was great. It was far too cold for either of us to go anywhere, we're wimps like that.

My parents bought me a new TV, the only thing great about it is it has a VCR built into it. I like this. I like movies. So, bye bye to my first TV ever. 2 years of pure happiness, and 8 years of it fucking up on me and not working at the most inconvienient times.

I'm lacking the nicotine.
Oh, so very badly.

January 25, 2003
1:32 PM  ()

second scare.
Must go to doctors on Monday. I'm mainly writing this here as a reminder. Jesus christ. That was fucking scary.

12:53 PM  ()

My Mom's brought me down scrambled eggs for breakfast. I've just woken up. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. I've taken two bites and now my stomach is aching far too much for me to eat anything else.

I'm going to Calgary tonight. I'm spending the night at Kyla's. I'm quite excited about this. I haven't seen her in a while. After this weekend I'm also quitting smoking (for my Mom), who's joining me? Plus, it'd be nice to save the money.

Stomach's hurting way too much, have to keel over onto the ground now. Jeez, what the hell.

1:09 AM  ()

type, type, type. type.
Just got off the phone a little while ago with Clifford. I must sound like an absolute fool when we're about to say goodnight because I just don't flippin' want to. I'd rather be there and sneaking quietly out of his room. With it being late and all, not wanting to wake up the parents, and trying to find the places where the floor won't creak. And that door. Oh, that door. No matter how much you tried to keep that thing quiet, there was always a startling (for me, at least) noise coming from that door when you tried to close it slowly. I realized the faster you do it the less it makes noise, but I usually forgot this nice trick. "Don't go to sleep," he'd tell me as I'd try and keep my eyes open while the light from the television flickered over us. How I wanted to so badly. Just to fall asleep. I was so comfortable, more comfortable than I have ever been with anyone or with myself in my entire life.

There are exactly 30 beads on this bracelet. I counted them twice. Sigh. I miss him so much.

So, my Dad's home. He's brought a few drunk friends back with him. I can hear them. They're so fucking loud. He better have cigarettes. I'm a mess. I'm going to wander up there now to make fun of them, and then watch them all as they try to make fun of me. This will be somewhat satisfying, but only for the next 5 minutes.

30 beads.

January 24, 2003
3:03 PM  ()

today is just stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I feel stupid. I really don't feel like existing right now. Not at all. I want to YELL and SCREAM at the top of my lungs. There's no one home. I can. But I won't. Simply because I don't want to hear myself. I don't even want to pay any attention to my thoughts, which is quite impossible.

Looking for the:
- power button.
- p o i n t o f b e i n g

m v9vbm

1:11 AM  ()

you're lying while you confess.
Good morning, good night. Singing voices and guitars not entirely drowning out the sound of the conversations on the television. The discussion I had with my Dad tonight wasn't going well until I became the most serious he has ever seen me. I didn't know that he didn't know so much about me. I thought my parents talked, you know, like... I always thought they did. I thought they both knew everything I've said to the other, or something crazy like that. I'm definitely a fool for thinking that, and I've thought that my entire life. He doesn't know me, but I think tonight he realized quite a bit about me. And remembered that the independence I had as a child hasn't left me at all, and everything else. "Dad, are you not listening to me?" After telling him a lot of other things, the main reason as to why I'm having to do everything by corrospondence instead of screwing myself over for another year, I ended up blurting out a little of something else. "This place doesn't do it for me, it never has. Dad, Airdrie has nothing for me, nor does Calgary. And you saw the smile on my face when I got back from Ontario for the first time four years ago, you saw the life inside of it, and you watched it fade away. Dad, every time I'm out there I feel alive, alive. And that's why I'm going. I'm going to try it out, Dad. See if it really is what I think it might be. I'm old, Dad. You know how it is, you went through the exact same thing as a child. My mind is older than my body, and my mind will soon become tired and want to settle down. I have to get out there as soon as I can now in order to live, to experience, get a few stories in there before I grow too tired. My mind has always been that way, you noticed that for the first time when I was six years old. Remember? You watched me talk into the microphone to myself, you still had the tape, I stole it from you not too long ago. It's in my room. The conversation I had with myself does not sound like a six year old's kind of conversation. Dad, how long have I been restless? I know you've noticed that much." "For about five years now." "It's been five years since I've been ready to get the hell out of this place. I want to find things out the hard way, I want to run into the problems, I want to live in the real world. I want to fail at some things and pick myself up somehow. I've been living an easy life for far too long, it's been nice, and I'll more than likely miss it. But I really feel it's time for me to do this."

After saying that, his eyes (I'll never forget this) were watery when I looked up at him. He smiled and thanked me for helping him understand. I thanked him for finally allowing himself to understand. I finally have the support of my Father, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. But if I hadn't gotten to the point of wanting to be entirely serious with him (I've been basically raising my voice to a child the past few weeks, my mother, and I've gotten used to being quite serious around this place) the ending of that conversation would have been sooner and not gone over well at all. Big fights would have been the result. I remember thinking "Jesus, would somebody fucking call me so I can stand up and tell him I have something else to tend to, I really don't need to listen to this. Oh god, get me out of here. Mom, never leave me home alone with this man again." Ha. That right there describes the relationship with my father since the beginning of my teenage years. Before that there was just nothing. We loved each other, but there was no connection, no closeness. I shared nothing, he shared nothing except for how his day at work went. Tonight a breakthrough? Uh, not sure, but we're making progress. He actually obeyed me when I said, "Dad, don't interupt me right now, I'm being as serious as I can possibly be with you right now. Just don't. Not tonight." He listened to me tonight. I believe that would be the second time since I became his daughter that he's listened to me.

Cool.
Different colors made of tears.

January 23, 2003
7:06 PM  ()

join my army.
I really hate Airdrie.

5:31 PM  ()

CLIFF.
go get a job. make money. and come here for your march break. damnit.

11:36 AM  ()

why use a snowblower when we already have a shovel?
Although I'm an extremely lazy person, when I have to do something I'd rather get it done without using any mechanical tool that preserves my laziness. But today, I used a shovel on the driveway, and we have this huge snowblower that I don't know how to work. So, it was quite a sight after I became far too cold from using the shovel and tried to start this snowblower. It's like starting an old lawn mower, and I couldn't do it. I looked like a huge freak standing there in my garage tugging and slipping and yelling all sorts of obsceneties trying to get this thing going. It was horrible. Anyways, I didn't get to use it. Which I'm kind of glad about because I stuck with the shovel, and I didn't have to feel embarassed lugging this huge peice of machinery around with me on the driveway. It's honestly big enough to be embarassing. I might as well get a fucking truck with one of those huge whateveryoucallthemsnowremovers on the front of it down here. Jesus.

Oh yeah, I have myself a photo radar speeding ticket from January 8th. That is so awesome. $82.00 fine. Harsh. But all was well after I gave my Mom a cigarette. "Heather, give me a cigarette NOW because I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU!" 5 minutes later, "Heather, let's talk about you and Ontario," with a huge smile on her face. Right now, she's currently in her bitchy stage where she'll follow me around and continuously ask me for a cigarette. I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT THIS TIME. No, no. She's going to see George Carlin tonight without me, so no cigarettes for her.

Yeah, the test was easy. Diploma exams are a fucking joke. My tests last year were harder.

8:29 AM  ()

don't look for long.
I'm a pajama pant wearing scruffy girl that's done nothing with her hair but tie it back and throw on a sweater to keep warm in the gym. I'm all set, kids. I've got my HB pencil, and I just realized I hovered over the keyboard like Johnny Depp does over his typewriter in "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas". Odd. Anyways, ugly Heather goes to school now. Wish me luck. Ha! It's English, I'll pass.

January 22, 2003
1:36 PM  ()

cigarettes lit by a match taste mostly of sulpher,
and it sucks.
_{(note: I wrote this in DT's diner starting around 9:00 this morning)}

Records hanging from the ceiling that we all doubt are genuine 50's albums, but we don't care. Marilyn Monroe staring at me from all sides except one and I still don't really know why I'm here at this particular time in the morning. My "topped up" coffee, by Lola (it's honestly her name), about to spill because of the shaking my writing too quick and hard provides. You can tell it's not fresh coffee, but I'm not the type to complain. That's my Mother. Not me. Smoke flying into my face. You never seem to get away from cigarettes smoke, no matter where you hold your cigarette. I've also noticed cigarette smoke is more so attracted to non-smokers rather than the ones who exhale this disgusting shit. My knees are aching of an odd morning pain (arthritis? maybe) while 50's tunes play over the diner speakers. And I hear an infant, a happy one. Their squeals always seem to annoy me, no matter their mood. Any morning in a restaurant/diner, a place of nothing but the quiet hum of elder conversations and the sharing of gossip, an infant should not be placed.

No more coffee, please. I'm going to vomit. Okay, more coffee.

What am I going to do with myself this morning? I can't stay here until noon. I'll end up going home and explaining to my Mother, as I did yesterday, that the teacher said there's no point in me being at school today. Marks are in. Nothing's left to do. Second English Diploma exam tomorrow morning. Will be quick and easy. Ah, now the pain in my knees slowly subsides. I believe it was all because I was cold. Poor circulation doesn't go over well with this teenage girl's body; it takes just far too long for my body to heat itself up. Broken furnace. I'd always been afraid of furnaces as a child. Aliens used to call my name from the furnace and up through the house vents. I'd run into my parents’ bedroom with my blanket and a pillow and fall asleep on the floor next to my Mother's side of the bed. I was far too big by then to sleep between them. Even then I was scared of the huge gap between the underneath of their mattresses and the floor. Not aliens, but something else dwelled underneath there. Nothing lived. It was the aura of childhood fear that was underneath there. And that scared the living fuck out of me. But I'd fall asleep at some point; I'd scare myself to the point of exhaustion. I bring this up not just to remember, but because in the past week I've had to sleep with the light on a couple of times. I'm seventeen years old and I'm getting fears and nightmares that I had 10 years ago. Why?

This is going to be me. I'll be like Atwood's 'Tippy'. "Her skin was sallow and unhealthy, there were pouches under her eyes. She chain-smoked and drank too much coffee. She was wearing green, the wrong colour for her." How unattractive. This is already me. A message to those who know me in the future: You'll notice I might be missing some hours. You can find me at one of t he local restaurants or cafes where smoking is permitted. I'll be in the back corner chain-smoking and drinking too much coffee, either writing or reading a book. I like company once in a while, come join me providing you have a good story to tell.

And OH GOD, I'll quit smoking before I'm the man-in-the-booth's age and coughing like that. Do not light another cigarette, sir. You sound like you're dying of throat cancer even when you speak. (As I write with an almost finished cigarette in my hand, my third since I started writing this.) He sounds like "The Captain". The retired old man that has a new place to drink coffee each month. He waits for any old stranger to sit and converse about old times with. I call him "The Captain" because he's always wearing a sort of Seaboard Army captain type hat. I'd get up to look, but I like to mind my own business when it comes to using my sight. (Good Lord, man. Your cough is unsettling.) I'll see if it's him on my way out the door.

My coffee's cold, but I'm still drinking it. Again, I'm wondering why I'm here. To eavesdrop? No. Although I have been. To listen to the sound of the highway behind me and the clanging of dishes in the kitchen? Sort of. Privacy? That's it. There it is. I no longer have privacy anywhere else, and every since yesterday I discovered it here. It won't last, of course, but there will always be another place to gather my thoughts appropriately. Alright, one last cigarette and a few more pages in this book I'm reading and then I've collected enough of myself here for the day. Maybe I'll go to the town library, I haven't been there in a year or so. Or more. It's been a while. It's a dump, but what the hell, why not?

10:17 AM  ()

warning:
Huge entry that will be transferred on to here from paper very soon. I left my notebook in the car. I'm currently on a public computer in the Public Library. Airdrie has a Public Library. And right now, right in front of me, there's a story time corner happening. They're singing, they're reading "Ants in your pants" and it's actually quite cute. So many mothers. So many kids. When I was a kid I never paid attention to the day care teacher in the corner. I was always playing with my shoelaces, because I couldn't hear anything. I was also so bored.

Teacher told me to leave school. There was no point in any of us being there. So I did. I spent 2 hours at DT's, and now I'm here. I'm going to look for books soon, I haven't signed out a book from this place in years. There already a $1.50 charge for handing a book a couple days late YEARS ago. I don't even remember signing it out. Ha.

7:41 AM  ()

i was going to go upstairs for that.
There really isn't anything like throwing your pants in the dryer in the morning. So awesome.

January 21, 2003
10:25 PM  ()

six.
I've noticed that most people only reply to sad posts. And short posts. So I highly doubt anyone who attempted reading my last entry actually read the entire entry. Whatever. I did. And it made me happy.

"Try not to give up too much
so you won't grow tired."

I wonder how many times I will say
"everything will work out fine" for you
while tears that you don't know about are
streaming down my face.

"Pictures taken fast. The proof that I've known you." The proof that I know you. This is not the last dance.

3:28 PM  ()

alien vegetables.
Perfect, just perfect. I had the most exhilarating hour with myself today in the diner alone. I have found a place to let myself go. Just fly in and out with a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes, and a really good book. I'm currently trying to regain control of my own mind again, as it may have been obvious. I've been frustrated with everything lately, and right now I am calm. A little frustrated because my concentration was broken, but that's fine, I had a good time with the two who joined me and I can always go back and try again.

I missed that. I used to be able to do that in my own bedroom, or on the couch right here in this living room. But I can't now, I feel as though I'm about to be disrupted either by a person or a phone call, and I'm usually right. I feel invaded before there's actually been an invasion. Violated, even. I've been raped of my own concentration, and it keeps happening. It's so aggrivating and depressing. I'm overjoyed, I've finally found a place to piece myself back together again.

And the waitress, I still don't know her name. She deserves a paragraph all to her own. This woman has a story to tell, and I'd give anything to hear it. She calls me "sweetie" and "darling" and she tells me I'm cute when I'm quiet. I liked that. I like it how her mood changes each day when I'm in there, it's either one or the other. There's no in between, she's either appears happy or right pissed off about something. She'll either pour my coffee gracefully and with a smile, or she'll pour it angrily as I watch some of it dribble down the side of my cup. I love it. It's fantastic. She's great, god damnit. I'll try to give her a tip and she says "I can get this from others. You save up for college or something, my dear." She always makes me smile. I think I'll go there again tomorrow, around the same time. 1:00.

I got to school today and stayed for 15 minutes trying to decide whether I really wanted to be there or not. Was there a point in me being there? Well, none other to sit on my ass and watch a teacher walk around the room aimlessly because he/she has nothing else to teach seeing as their marks were due in that morning. No point. So, I came home. The only consequence I shall have to suffer is being marked absent. Not that big of a deal to me at the moment. Oh, dear. I can be so narrow minded. I'll be there tomorrow though, anticipating the chance I get to flee from that building and drive over to the diner and park my ass up in the loft where I'll smoke away and indulge myself into a sea of words. Everything's so fucking pretty, even complete chaos couldn't ruin this feeling for me right now. I'm writing, slamming away at the keyboard, my dog's whining beside me because I'm not paying any attention to him whatsoever... and nothing's changing. I love this. Why the hell didn't I try this sooner? Although I do have some things to complain about, they don't matter right now. Nothing matters. Hey, I did it. I did what you told me to do. "Make it fucking happen." So, I did. Be proud of me. I'm on my way back up the spiraling slide of insanity and anger. I'm picking up pieces, I'm feeling good. And the song was right on the radio, we do end up giving it all way to someone who doesn't even remember our name. And I did that. But there's been a slight turn in that, I cherish yours, and you seem to cherish mine... and now that I think about it, I've given more to the one who does remember my name than to the ones who didn't. Way more.

Oh, thank whateverforce, I'm back. And she's already begging me for cigarettes, and I can say "no" right now without even feeling bad. How great this is.

9:52 AM  ()

just because you're paranoid...
It's quite early in the morning, I have lots of time for nothing. The only thing I have to do this morning is straighten my hair, and then I'll ... no cigarettes. You have no idea how much that sucks right now. The weather's still shitty, but the snow brings back a few memories that I like. I really don't understand the point in going to school for this next week. There's absolutely nothing for us to do. Nothing. I don't even know when my next Diploma exam is, I'm assuming on Thursday because that is when Meagan comes back to school from her fuck-this-i-don't-need-to-be-here fit. I wish I could do that. But I've missed way more than my fair share of classes.

My Mom goes in for her operation fairly soon, within the next two weeks. They had nothing but good news to share with us yesterday. My Mom's lungs are in great shape (which is actually pretty odd because she has been smoking for 50 years) and so is everything else, she's considered "low-risk" for the operation she's getting, and all that insanity. She's quite excited and happy, and well, so are we (my Dad and I).

I accidentally spilled coffee all over my mouse pad last night, I'm such a clutz. I am now using my old "POKEMON" mouse pad. This makes me hang my head in shame and giggle to myself because it's so pathetic and nerdy. SEE?! Nothing interesting to say? NOTHING! NOTHING! That makes me so angry!

January 19, 2003
8:43 PM  ()

^{complaining starts} There's a fog. And I wish it was some lethal chemical cloud of grossness that would just make everything disintigrate into nothingness go away. This town needs to go away. And there hasn't been a snow-in yet, and this disappoints me. Mind you, it'll probably happen in May just after my birthday like it did last year. That's too far away. Everything's too damn far away! Complain, complain, complain, etc, etc... uh, and more complaining goes here. *freaks out and throw socks around in disgust* So. Angry. _{complaining ends}

^{complaining starts again} And I can't think of anything interesting to say lately. I can't read because I can't keep my mind focused on one thing for very long unless it's a movie, but even still I'm barely paying attention. I hope something absolutely ridiculous happens at school tomorrow just so I can pick it apart and put it back together, something to do, something to rant or rave about. Something! Everything's so god damn repititious again, and I can't stand it. Should have taken more pictures, should have done a lot of things. And I want to quit smoking, but... no. Ugh! And I said I wasn't going to write here until I had something somewhat meaninful to say. What's wrong with me. I'm such a nerd. Awesome. _{okay, it's over.}

5:43 PM  ()

another cold and quiet one.
I've noticed the weather is a lot colder when I walk alone. And I'm tip, tip, tip-toeing across broken glass in order to get to where you are standing. I hope you haven't walked away by the time I get there, because I think it would be nice to have someone else around to help me tend to my bare feet if they begin to sting at all. Yeah, it would be nice. Thinking about something you said, and I could never bring myself to break your heart. Remember, I'm the one who likes to listen and make sure it's still beating. Breaking your heart would be breaking my own, and we can't have that. No, we can't have that.

Oh, and fuck your wanting a mixtape, you cheap bastard. Ha! You totally deserve a kick in the shin for that. Anyone want to help me out with that? Mark? Ali? Kat? Kat, you go get your shoes on and do me a favor. Hahaha. Why isn't Drew online when you need him...

That reminds me, I called Scott today. Again, he's not home. I talked to his sister for a bit. I'll call him tomorrow night, he's not supposed to be working. Mind you, he'll probably go out anyways. My god, that kid is IMPOSSIBLE to get a hold of. I have no life, though... and I always call people at the wrong time.

January 18, 2003
8:03 PM  ()

i don't want to ever break your heart either.
I'll head over to Heather's neighbors house in a couple of hours. Relaxing by myself at the moment. I watched "Kids" today, again. That movie makes me so sad. And I really hate the main guy, Telly, I can't stand him. The guy's a damn good actor if I hate his character that much. Ugh, HATE him.

I think I'm taking a break from this thing, I have nothing to write, I'm no longer interesting. Maybe I will have a few meaningful things to say in a couple of days. Buh, that bothers me so much.

This was nice.
Todd says:
you are beautiful. and i miss you!

2:59 AM  ()

quarter to three, and what just happened?
I finished watching some movie I wasn't paying much attention to, I turned off the television and all I could hear was the house cracking, things rustling outside, and the lights I had turned on earlier were just far too bright. I freaked myself out, I could hear all sorts of noises that just weren't natural. My imagination was definitely getting the best of me when I was in my bedroom. My light switch is fucked, and whenever I turn on my light, it flickers... but then I hit it and it stays on. This time it decided to flicker while I was standing in the middle of my room trying to remember what I was doing. This scared the shit out of me. I heard something outside my door and then I just got angry. I walked out of my room, turned on the waiting room light and stormed upstairs. I was going to wake up my Mom for some reason, I felt like I was four again. I was going to wake her up, grab a blanket out of the spare bedroom and fall asleep on the floor beside her like I used to when I was four. (I stopped because I started to become afraid of what might be under her bed, seeing as I was laying right beside the gaping hole that lead under it... gah.) But then I noticed the other TV room light was on, my Dad was up watching TV. We both can't sleep. He asks me for a cigarette, and we went out into the garage where we split a beer and discussed why we thought we couldn't sleep. We're both thinking too much. Yo, my Dad and I just split a beer. What? My Dad and I just got along for the first time since before I left for my trip. What? I'm not expecting this to last, because him and I are like this. We have our moments, and then we have our ongoing bad ones. I still can't sleep. Dude, I just split a beer with my Dad.

January 17, 2003
11:49 PM  ()

is she over me, like the stars and the sun?
I went crazy tonight. I'm being unbelievably sarcastic with people, and poking fun at things I probably shouldn't be. I'm going to get my ass brutally beaten on Monday. That's fine, it'll allow for some excitement in my current life. I like what I said to Kat. I wish I was rich so I could jump on a silver jet right away and fly home.

"Polar opposites don't push away,
it's the same on the weekends as the rest of the days.
And I know I should go, but I'll probably stay.
And that's all you can do about some things.
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' to drink away the part of the day
that I cannot sleep away.
Two one eyed dogs, they're looking at stereos.
Hi-fi Gods try so hard to make their cars low to the ground .
These vibrations oil its teeth.
Primer gray is the color when you're done dying.
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' to drink away the part of the day
that I cannot sleep away." - Modest Mouse

7:42 PM  ()

you saw her.
Feeling like a huge fool right now, but that'll go away sooner or later. Uh, really bored. I hate Friday nights, I really do. I remember when Friday nights used to be a huge event, we'd go out with a bunch of people, go be absolutely ridiculous and pretend we were having fun. Yup, always some major plans for a Friday night. I don't miss them much, but I really don't want to be here right now. I'd like to be out for dinner, or walking around aimlessly with someone but it's far too cold outside. Out for dinner, yeah. I think that's where I'd like to be, or would liked to have done tonight. Which is weird, because I normally don't just go out for dinner with anyone... I don't even eat with my parents, I hate it. Hm. And nothing about me is important right now, so... I'll babble later.

9:45 AM  ()

quote of the day.
"I wore the coolest socks today,
and tomorrow I will wear even cooler socks. I rule." - Ali Sunderji

Hells yea!
This has now inspired me to go change my socks to even awesomerer ones.

January 16, 2003
9:04 PM  ()

weak in the fucking knees.
Insane amount of pain within stomach, lip quivering because basement is sovery cold. Blanket not doing much good. A thought in my head. A possibility, or an impossibility. It's making me ill. The only half-hour show I like is "That 70's Show" and yet my IQ still lowers every time I watch it. Cool. I recieved a promising message earlier tonight, it was nice. I wish my parents weren't home right now, I wish they'd come home late like they did last night. I really enjoy having the house to myself.

Dad was drunk last night. He's now a lot nicer when he's drunk than when he's sober. "Thank you, Heather. You know I love you, right? What you did for your Mother was fantastic. If it had come from me, she would have burst into tears and refused to talk to me for a week. But coming from you, it was just perfect. I couldn't say it. So, I thank you. I love you, you know that right?" Go to bed.

9:37 AM  ()

huge idiot, heather is.
Ha, I slept in this morning. I'm supposed to do something with Sean this afternoon, and now I'm a little incapable of doing that. When I sleep in, I don't get the car for the rest of the week. So, I'm also fucked for my weekend plans. Except Saturday. Saturday's fine. Oh man, such an idiot. I could go to school now, second period just started, but damnit. I really needed that sleep. And I need more, so I think I'm going back to bed.

Fell asleep last night with a huge smile on my face, woke up with it, too. I'm happy about this because I didn't whimper at all. I held myself together, man. You see, Kittens, sometimes I'm just amazing. My hair's a mess, it's hot.
____________
And hey you. I like you.
I love you.
And you're not impossible. At all.
You are stubborn though, and when you are, you're stubborn for a good reason. But you're never "impossible".
____________

January 15, 2003
10:18 PM  ()

the polish flakes off, and then what?
I'm a very sad, sad person. I do nothing but cry at night and during the evening and afternoon I watch incessant amounts of movies, some of which are intellectual but most of the time just completely stupefying, in order to occupy my mind. I go crazy if I don't. I'll sit on the edge of the cushion on the couch, looking as though I'm ready to get up and go out, go do something, I look set to take on the fucking world... and then I realize that I have nothing to do with myself. I've got nowhere to go, and nothing to do. So, I'll sit there a little longer, I'll start to fidgit and play with my fingers or my hair, I'll make sure all the hair on my arms are in one direction (drives me crazy when they're not)... and I'll go nuts. I'll stand up, and I won't know what to do with myself. I either sit in the middle of the floor and cry, or I get angry and I start pacing around the house. By this point I'm incomprehensible, I become impossible to communicate with. Impossible. It's not that I'm depressed, I'm not really, actually, I'm not depressed at all. I'm just so fucking angry. So mad at what is preventing everything, so sad that I can't help and I can't make everything alright. And so fucking angry with the fact that some people make me feel like I'm nothing. Some people just don't get it. They don't get it. And I suppose I don't want them to. Whatever, I have no clue what I'm talking about. I'm just a teenager that doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. I'm just a teenager that's making stupid choices that she won't follow through on. Fuck that, man. Even if I don't follow through on some of it, what is it to you? Success is not based on education. I'm apparently naive when I say that. Maybe so, but I'm a dreamer, I dream big dreams. And right now, one of them seems to be coming true, quite true... so why should I let that fly by me? I'm not going to. I can't. I'm vulnerable without it. I'm dead without my dreams. I would be nothing. I would give all of this up right away if someone was capable of convincing me that it's nothing but a dream, and dreams end. Someone said that to me before, and it made me so angry. So fucking angry. A dreamer without ambition is someone to be annoyed with. I am a dreamer with ambition. So don't you worry, I'll make this work. I just need a little cooperation, and I'm set.

On the car ride into Calgary today I was listening to the radio, and listening to my Mother chew her gum (which drives me absolutely in-fucking-sane). I sat there, staring out the front windshield just... dazed, and annoyed. All I could do was invision myself slamming my head against the passanger side window until nothing but red oozed down the glass. Angry, annoyed, sad, weird, strange, happy, confused, and everything else all at once and all I could think of was slamming my head against a window until I bled? There's uh, something wrong with me, I think.

5:44 PM  ()

don't step on the cracks, or you'll break your mother's back.
I always hated that rhyme. Why? Because, well, cracks and back don't rhyme. So unless my mother had multiple spines or something like that, it just doesn't work. You can't just change it to crack, because there's so many of them. It just doesn't work that way.

Today's been pretty stupid. I'm kind of ticked off with the interview, I don't know if I have the job yet. Although Louise (the girl I had the interview with at YMCA Calgary) & Michael (the guy who set me up with this) seem to be pretty confident that I will get the job, it's still a piss off. Michael made it sound as though I was going to get an answer today, but uh, I didn't. Oh well, I'm still pretty pumped about this. I'm going for a week assessment pretty soon here. I just finished telling Clifford's Mom all about it. I think I explained it to her more than I did to my Mom. Mind you, my Mom kept interrupting me and telling me my hair was a mess because I had just put my hood down. "So yeah, and then..." "Heather, your hair's a mess. Let me fix it." "Oh my god, Mom. Don't go anywhere near my hair." "Well, just, there's a kink in it..." *Heather pats down the top of her head* "There, thank you. Now, you were saying?" "Uh, nevermind." That's usually how it goes. She knows what's goin' on though, and she's excited. I'm excited. My brother called me today... "So, you're moving, hey?" (Yes, "hey", motherfucking Ontario kids) And then he went into this whole thing about how he didn't graduate and he really hopes that I can do it, and he's pretty sure I can because he knows I want it, he didn't, etc etc. It was confusing. It was neat though. He's all pumped for me too, apparently. He thinks it's all "awwwessome". Thank you, Gary.

I just watched my first movie of the evening. I shall now go watch another. I didn't watch much of the first, I fell asleep...
Diploma exam was stupid. I was done in an hour again. How... the hell... ugh. I don't know. I actually took my time on that one, I sat there, and I wrote everything out all nice... and once I was done all four questions... I looked at the clock and it had 10:05 blinking at me. What a let down.

Two more Diploma exams and I'm done 'n shit with this school.

I went out to the smoke pit with Chrissy today, it was kind of weird. I put her on the spot. "Chrissy, you're uncomfortable around me, aren't you?" She just hung her head and put a shy intimidated smile on her face. I can't say that I'm not uncomfortable, so, whatever, I admitted it. I think that made her feel a little better. I told her we need to get over that. Then I thanked her for the cigarette and took off to the other side of the road because my Mom just pulled up. Oh man, I am so awesome, my Mom still picks me up from school. I love it. I hate the bus. Hate it.

10:59 AM  ()

Now, wish me luck with this job interview.

8:02 AM  ()

...
I really shouldn't be on this thing right now. I'm sitting here in my bath robe, the water still in my hair is dripping onto my shoulders (it's cold, oh man), and I have an hour until my Social Diploma exam. That means I have less than 45 minutes to get ready and do my hair. I'm such a girl. That is so awesome. I have to look good today, though. I have that job interview at 2:00 p.m. downtown Calgary. I better get out of there before 11:00 a.m., I need to go see Michael before I head off to this job interview, I have to talk to him about a few things (not my cousin Michael).

Wish me luck, cross your fingers. Make me rock.

January 14, 2003
9:50 PM  ()

all i can hear is this scream for help and i just can't reach far enough. Keep trying, keep trying.

I'd give anything to be there for you right now.
I wish I could take over now, you've battled for far too long.
I've only realized since I finally came to be with you in your physical presence, that words can now only mean so much. And I'm so sorry that they're never enough. But it's all I have right now. And the hope that you know my love, strength, and my sword go straight out to you. Only you, because you will conquer.

4:57 PM  ()

she shows me the world, i see through her eyes
the beauty of brave new understanding.
it's only a dream of lovers and lies.
Buhhh... ignore all that stupidity below. Just a bad day.
I'm living a dream. I live through the dreams I have. They keep me going.

And this is just funny.
Sarah says:
bah! so when did you start dating brad?
Heather says:
I'm dating Brad? Who's Brad?

9:41 AM  ()

and now i don't know what to do with myself.
I've woken up angry or depressed, one of those two. I woke up ten minutes ago. My Mom had woken me up earlier by making the smallest noises as she was looking for cigarettes in my room. I told her to get out, and she was startled and pretended as though she was getting me up for school. "Are you up yet." WHAT THE FUCK. Mom comes downstairs again just after I had written that and puts TEN FUCKING DOLLARS beside the keyboard and says, "sell me a cigarette". GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN. NO! So angry, so angry, so angry, so angry. Wanting to throw things around in disgust, I'll do that when I get back into my room.

Everyone go away. I really want to be alone for a while.
Ugh, I despise everything right now. I'm not going to be the brightest star at school today. Everything, oh man. What the hell is wrong with me? And now that would be Craig on the phone, wanting a ride to school. Does anyone know how bloody fucking annoying that all is? Repeat, repeat, repeat. I'm so close to just grabbing a bottle of vodka and sitting in the living room all day. Jesus christ. AND MOM WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE. I hate yelling at her, I hate it. "Please, Heather." every 5 god damn minutes. GO AWAY. "But Heather, I'm going cra.." I DON'T CARE.

This is unbelievably frustrating. She's going to hate me for the rest of the day now. She won't talk to me, she'll threaten me, and she'll do all sorts of other insane things... just because I didn't give her a cigarette. Oookay, is it not possible for her to take control of herself just a little bit more? She's got herself off the couch, I think she can do a little more than that. Having your Mother this upset with you is quite bothersome and it's stressful. My Dad is doing the same thing. He flipped out last night because I didn't talk to him about this new job thing that I might be getting. I didn't even know he was home.

I'm angry, and I'm angry over this. I've woken up extremely pissed off and depressed.
She brought me coffee, and I'm such a snob right now I probably won't even drink it because she made it. If I do drink it, I feel obligated to give her a cigarette, and that's not happening. She needs to have this operation. She needs to be quit entirely two weeks before the operation. This operation is coming up very soon. Smarten the fuck up, Mom. And damnit, I can't stay like this all day. I hope I don't.

January 13, 2003
8:41 PM  ()

gonna rock it out with the police force.
Depending on if I get the job or not. Yeah, it's going to be pretty weird if I do. Working at the cop shop, knowing stuff about it. It'll be a damn good thing to put on my resume though, I figure.

Overall. I'd say it was a good day, but I've been kind of weird/depressed for most of it. Pretty pumped about the job, and damn sure it's going to work out. No matter what anyone says. I'm really confident about it. And my parents seem to be now as well. So, that's good. Uh, if I fuck up, whatever. I'm not coming back here. I'll... do something with myself. Or die on the streets. Either way, not coming back here.

Jaymis asked me a good question today, usually a question that I've been recieving a lot from boys that previously liked or still like me. "Are you moving out there because you really want to get away from here, or for a boy?" Good question. Very good question, one I've already considered, but you know, I don't really need to think about that one hard. I feel more at home there every time I go out there, and when I come home, everything's just wrong and weird and just bent so out of shape. I will admit, the boy is a plus, and I care about him. He means everything to me and I'd do anything for him. I'd give anything to be with him today and every other. He's a recent addition to my motivation. But either way, I would be out there at some point. Might as well do it now, because I'm going crazy. I simply can not live here anymore. I can't stand it. I'm almost dead. Dead. The only thing keeping my eyes open is this, and fuck you if you think I'm being naive. Sure, maybe I am, but at least I'm thinking realistically about it. I'm doing this. I have to get out of here. Leave. Leaving. Gone. Bang. Seriously. I can do this. But thank you for that Jaymis, very good question indeed.

I'm tired.

And my body aches all over, as well as my heart.
Up and gone. Let's fly away.

I'm doing this. I have to. And I'm excited. Today, and this interview is one step closer. One giant step closer. You have no idea how exhilarating this is.

10:42 AM  ()

that was quick. maybe too quick. kind of like ryan.
BAHAHAHA. I made a funny.

Anyways, I just wrote my English diploma exam within an hour and 9 minutes. That would be a response to literature, a letter, and a response to visual. Now, I'm waiting for my Mom. As I wait for my Mom, I'm still thinking of the pile of garbage I just wrote for my diploma exam. I'm quite disappointed with it, I figured they'd give me more of a challange than that, or at least some sort of challange at all. Nothing. Too easy. Too quick. Far too quick. I signed my initials on the signout list a little too fast as well. Is it just me, or when I'm here I tend not to waste any time at all. Or maybe I waste too much time. I don't know. Whatever. The problem now is I'm still in the library waiting for my Mom. She's in the doctors office right now and she doesn't know when she's going to be coming out of there. The woman downstairs in the office yelled at me because I was on the phone for too long. "This is a BUSINESS line, I told you you couldn't use it for very long." Sorry, but my Mom sounded as though she was quite upset, I figured you would understand also because I need a ride HOME. "Do you not have 35 cents?" No, otherwise I wouldn't have asked you if I could use your phone. "This is a business phone." Yes, you've already told me that. "You can't stay on here very long." Uh, hey, I've already made my phone call. Can I leave now? "THIS IS A BUSINESS PHONE!" Okay, lady. And then I walk out... quite confused. She's alone down there, running the office at the moment. Everyone else is upstairs supervising us grade twelves that are still writing the exam.

I look so awesome right now.
I look so fucking stuck up, it's great.
I am superior right now, no matter what you say.
I am God.
And you, child, stop looking at me like you're ready to throw an insult at me. Remember last time? I shut you down. Oh man, I'm amazing. I love myself right now. I can't wait to get home... and go back to fucking sleep.

January 12, 2003
2:03 PM  ()

hey, uh, fuck you.
Still listening to: Zwan.
I sit here alone, listening to my music, updating IAM and being bored. Just wasting time. Dad decides it's time to come downstairs and watch his golf. He's never watched it down here before. I don't remember anything like this. What is going on? "Hey, Heather, how would you like to put your headphones on." Oh, uh, well, I would. But, you see, these speakers don't have any plug in for headphones, no where. I've looked numerous times. "How come they've worked every time except for when I ask you?" What? They've never worked that way, I can't hook headphones up to them. What are you talking about? Sorry... I'll turn it down.

And then he continues to watch his golf. I continue to listen to my music. He's gone upstairs and thrown the remote control on the floor due to frustration already, now. But, what? What's going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Previous boredom:

And the recent piercing that I randomly decided to get while I was in Ontario:

1:02 PM  ()

you got arrested? that's insane!
Kyla, you rebel. That is too funny. The fines aren't, though.

Last night was horrible when I got home. Well, after the movie and what not. Oh, bad. Frustration. I'm still confused about it. Breakfast in bed? I have never been given breakfast in bed. What's going on?

Haha, you're a criminal! You're a convicted criminal, now!

January 11, 2003
7:18 PM  ()

my personal space feels so invaded.
I really wish you would go be whiney in your own bedroom, as usual. I liked it that way. I liked having the basement to myself. And I wouldn't mind being alone in the basement right now. I think I will go out. Just so I don't have to put up with you two right now. Actually, I'll kick you out of here soon, because I'll go rent a movie. Yes, I like this plan. Huzzah! And I can't believe you both did that today, thinking they were Lauryn's cigarettes, you're lucky they weren't or I would have snapped. That's just far too disappointing. You're disgusting. "I know." No, I don't think you understand how disgusting you are. You're revolting. That was the saddest of all that is sad. You are pathetic. "I know." I hope so. I feel like I'm taking care of a child. "I bet." You never take me seriously. Oh, and hey Dad, if you pull anything on me tonight now that I'm alone, I'll blow up. Explode. That's all there is to it. Ugh.. I can feel the negativity already.

Today was good, though. I'm glad I was there to help Lauryn out with her move to her Dad's. The food we ate at Pizza Hut (somewhere I rarely eat, I haven't eaten there in years due a bad experience with someone that I can't remember) and now I'm sick. I feel like falling over and dying on the floor. My insides are rotting or something. Gross.

11:15 AM  ()

how the hell? there's no way...
"Swum" is a word, this bothers me. I'm quite frustrated about this.
What a pointless word.
What a pointless post.
But god damnit! Swum!?

January 10, 2003
11:15 PM  ()

pretty pictures.
I have to show these two off as well, they are quite the pretty girls.

Lauryn.


Kyla.

11:48 AM  ()

the lunch table. version 3.2
I walk up, I stand there for a few minutes, say a couple of words and then I'm already bored. Why can't I talk to them anymore? I don't dislike any of them, they're all quite humorous and they're great people. That was a little depressing, but also reassuring. Depressing because I really can't talk to anyone here, I don't like it, I end up looking away or putting my nose in the air at some point because I'm already bored. Reassuring because I'm not stressing over them anymore.

Last period was one of the most pointless classes I have ever been to. I sat there and copied down some of the poster examples that the Grade 11 boys and girls had up for the "perfect woman and man" of the now. It was disgusting. The examples jotted down by males really bothered me, by the girls... it was more of an easier way of saying exactly what the boys said. Wow. That was really disgusting. I have a whole thing on it written on three peices of paper in my pocket at the moment. I could pull that out and start babbling about it on here, but I prefer not. I've said enough and wasted enough time on that today. But, damnit. If this is really what people are thinking, which they obviously are (whether they're writing them down with a smile on their face and a snort of a laugh, the fact still remains it is inside their head, and they're thinking it, so it's somewhat of an insight as to how they feel about the matter), I'm already disappointed. There is no perfect man. There is no perfect woman. There are no perfect looks or personality traits. Perfect, to me, are imperfections. The neutral and positive faults. The little things that matter.

Next period is going to be most likely just as boring as the next. I am now going to sign off here and continue to wander the halls.

January 09, 2003
10:48 PM  ()

"mommy, can you see my thinking?" Now, smile.
Anyway, I'm protecting my beautiful girl as of tomorrow, I'm taking her under my wing and I will protect her with all my might. So worried. So worried. I wish I could have driven there tonight. Too late. God damnit. I need my own vehicle. No. I need to live closer to the city. But she's staying with me for the weekend. This makes me happy. She'll be away from there. She'll be with me. And I'll know she's safe, and I'll know she hasn't lost her smile quite yet. The strength that this girl has is beyond me, whether she admits it or not. It's incomprehensible. I would have broken, I would have broken the first time. Ah, this girl. Fuckin' strength. I love her.

Everything here is candy-coated. The insanity will resume either after the weekend or when I least expect it to. I doubt he will be home much this weekend anyways, and even if he is, we shall avoid him.

Tomorrow's friday. I like Saturdays better. I have an appointment with Guidance tomorrow at 1:oo afterschool in order to discuss certain things. I'm quite pumped about it. A step closer to figuring things out. That's awesome. I'm tired, and I'm still used to Eastern time, so it feels as though I'm up incredibly late right now. I could go to bed, and I probably will, but I think I'm going to attempt watching a movie beforehand. I want to fall asleep on the couch tonight. I don't like my bed much anymore. I don't like my room much anymore either. My bathroom corner is no longer comfortable (where I go to read or just get away because I have absolutely no time to myself for longer than 15 minutes at a time... I lock myself in there once in a while). I have half a smoke sitting on my bedside table, I'll go finish that and come back down here to pass out. Good idea, Heather. Good idea. School tomorrow. Don't have to wake up until 9:3o. Awesome. Agh, my hands. They're warm right now, and my veins are just pumping like crazy. Oh, man. That's creepy. Goodnight.

Agh. So worried.
Good luck with everything. All of you.

Everything's so fucking hectic everywhere.
Everywhere.
Trip of permanence. I agree.

6:49 PM  ()

and it starts. again.
How I despise my father at the moment. My stomach is hurting with an anger I can't even fathom. And with a loneliness that I am gripping dearly. It's what's keeping me sane. What is wrong with you? And how dare you, even if it is the first time, make such an intrusion on my privacy. How dare you. My skin is now itchy with aggrivation. Leave the house. Leave the house now like you said you are, before I run up there and start screaming.

2:21 PM  ()

is it michael, mom? is it? you don't know?
hey, it is! whoa, mom. why are you yelling at me?
Weirdest thing just happened. Heather and I, chinese restaurant on the other side of Airdrie where my school is, smoking and having a regular conversation. This guy walks in. Wow, that looks like my cousin Michael. I haven't seen him in years. Is that Michael? There's no way that could be Mike. No way. It looks so much like him, though. Heather says go ask him, Heather says just walk up to him and ask him. I go up for food, I chicken out. Finally, I get fed up and walk right up to him. Excuse me, sorry, but is your name Michael? "Yeah, it is." I laugh. Do you know who I am? "Ha, I think I do now." Damn, I haven't seen you in ages, this is so crazy. "It really is! I'm going to get some food and then I'm sitting at your table." So he sat with us, told us his life story that I already know about, and then he updated me a little. Jesus christ, that's one fucked up family. He doesn't know where his mother is. Gale, you idiot. Stop selling yourself and find your kids. Mark (his little brother) just got out of jail. He was in there for a year. The last time he saw his brother a crack pipe had exploded in his face and half his face was burned to shit. Mark's fucked up. I called my Mom earlier to ask her if Michael was still living in Calgary or seeing the girl he was seeing 6 years ago in Airdrie. "No. I don't know. Ask him!" I called her back. Yeah Mom, he's calling me this weekend. That was him. "NO! I DON'T WANT HIM COMING AROUND HERE. HEATHER, HE'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!" This is when I finally remember how fucked up he really is. My Mom thinks it's bullshit that he has a sister. He was telling me he finally met her. Finding out about her was the reason he ran away from home at 15. He was hungover while we were talking to him. Dude, I'm so messed up over this. This is screwed right up. The whole story is not being put on here. It's just crazy that I ran into him. In Airdrie. What the hell. Michael. The kid I used to hang out with every time I went to British Columbia to visit my Aunt & Uncle (his grandparents that won't have anything to do with him now). The kid that played baseball. I still have all his collectors baseball cards with his picture on it. He'd send them to me every time he got a new one. He was convinced he was going to be famous. Jesus christ. I'm so. Lost.

What. Is. Going. On.
I apparently have to "talk" to my Dad tonight about something. It's about my plan, I'm sure. My Mom was telling me about it. It's quite humorous. He's got an apology for me.

9:53 AM  ()

after-grad?(i'm in school, again.)
So, I have this pamphlet in front of me that says, "Last year we promised / One night / At the edge of your dreams / It emerged as an adrenalin-fueled bass-pumping, intoxicating frenzy". So this basically tells me there will be a lot of crappy music and a lot of booze. Inside: "theSKYisNOTtheLIMIT 2003 After-Grad event series". Oh my god. It says NOTHING about our after-grad. This is absolutely ridiculous. It's an advertisement, that doesn't advertise anything. I don't understand this. My brain is now hurting. "Be there as we do it all over again." Christ, they're making this sound like something out of Total Recall, or Vanilla Sky... A life altering experience, live a dream, blah blah blah. "Let the evolution of after-grads begin. Join us as we revolutionize the entire industry." WHO ARE YOU?! There's not a single thing on here about who these insane people are. "exclusiveEXPERIENCE". Brain. about. to explode.

And beside this, I look at a bunch of essays I was just handed back with perfect scores on them. And this is doing nothing but depress me. Anyway, enough of that. I gave my teacher a letter yesterday kind of reeming her out for the way she treated me, and she has not said a thing about it yet. I'd really like her to. I'll get so extremely frustrated if she doesn't. I'll snap. You don't ignore people. You just don't. Ever. Meagan's not here (my only friend at school), and it's gettin' lonely. I wrote another test last period for Social... fairly easy. Sigh. I was late for class this morning, so I was late for the beginning of the test. But I didn't have to sing. (Yeah, my teacher is insane.) And I need cigarettes.

January 08, 2003
10:41 PM  ()

twenty six wives, and eighty children.
My knees are aching from sitting strange all night. Everywhere I've been, my legs are folded underneath me and it feels as though the skin on my knees is stretching far more than it's supposed to, and my kneecaps feel as though they are about to explode. And I have the worst posture ever, my spine and shoulder blades feel as though they're shrinking and it causes nothing but pain. My muscles are tense, and there are many knots in my back that I can feel just... existing, and I can't get rid of them on my own.

I spent a great deal of tonight just sitting around, and making occassional phone calls... although I did go to DT's tonight after I was told I wasn't allowed to have the car. I felt like such a rebel, even though I had already told her I was taking the car, and going to DT's... and she said "Okay". Oh, that didn't help my ego at all. I thought I was so awesome there for a second. What a smack in the face.

I think I'm changing the title of this webpage to "Egotastika.net" in order to prevent people who want to be anorexic coming to my site. Mind you, it could be a nice surprise. I'm somewhat preventing them from becoming anorexic or thinking about that or their problem for two seconds as they try to figure out where the fuck the link has taken them. No, I'm pretty sick of seeing the search topics that my site is found under. As Kyla would say, "Le sigh".

Speaking of Kyla, it was good to speak to her tonight. And Lauryn, I hope she's alright. I'm quite worried about her.

I'm so out of here. I can't stay. I can't. I just freakin' can't. I feel like taking a bath, I need to calm down. But I can't stay in the tub for longer than 10 minutes, the heat gets to me and I start to feel as though I'm about to faint. Hot showers do the same, although I have them anyways. Ha, I have to sit or lay down for a moment in order to catch my breath. It's kind of humorous. I throw myself onto my bed and just relax, catching my breath, wasting time that usually shouldn't be wasted because I should be getting ready for school or something else. School. That reminds me I have to wake up early in the morning. That's another thing I have to start training myself to do, wake up to the fucking alarm clock. My house alarm (the sound for that is right next to my bedroom) doesn't even wake me up... so, I'm going to have to do this over the next couple of months. It's on the "do this or you'll have someone kick you in the face" list.

I have no cigarettes. That kind of sucks. I'm afraid to buy another pack. They're supposed to up the price to $17.oo pretty quick. I'm not impressed with that. That's just... ludicris. I haven't bought a pack of cigarettes here in Alberta yet since I've been back, so I'm not sure if they've gone up any or not. I'll find out tomorrow, I suppose. Ah, it's only 10:30, but I'm going to bed, because well, I'm tired. And it feels as though it's two hours later. This is a good thing. I'm getting in a good sleep routine here. I'll be up for another hour or so though, I'll write in my journal, and I'll listen to music, and then I'll lay there just to think for a while. Nostalgia will set in, and I'll roll over and pretend you're there. That way I'll be able to fall asleep, I won't feel alone, and I'll feel warm. Goodnight.

10:13 AM  ()

new computers? windows xp professional? at school?
Wow, this is sort of strange. And I really want to take this keyboard home, it's really... not loud. I'm an extremely loud typer because I'm an idiot and my fingers just fly over the keyboard and blurt out whatever is in my head at that moment. And I make a lot of mistakes, I hit the backspace key a lot. That and the spacebar have got to be the keys that get the hardest strikes from moi.

I just finished writing a test. I failed it. Thankfully it wasn't a diploma exam and it's not worth that much anyways. I'm on my second period of the day and we've been in the computer lab all morning so far, my last class (next period) will also be in the computer lab. But not this one, not this one with all the nice computers with windows xp on them. No, we're in the other computer lab down the hall with all the "welfare computers", with the keyboards that barely work... you know the ones. The ones where you have to hit the key three or four times because it's so damn sticky and hard to press down? Yeah. One of those. (sarcasm) It's awesome. (/sarcasm)

My Mom and I fought again this morning. She's in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm assuming she was taking her anger out on me. I feel kind of sorry for her. But my Dad, oh man. It is impossible to grasp any sort of understanding of that man. Impossible. I kind of want to talk to Jason, I want to ask him if he's going to be like this for the rest of my life, and has he been for Jason's? It's really frustrating to think about. Ah well, that is all the least of my problems at the moment. All I know is I really can't live there anymore. It's not home anymore, I feel trapped. I explained this to my Mom yesterday just before she blew up at me, swore at me, and told me I was selfish (none of it was actually meant, it was because I wouldn't give her a drag of my cigarette, it was actually quite humorous) that I can't live there anymore. She completely understands, and I know she does. She felt the same way when she was in England. She left there at the age of 18, her Mom basically shipped her off here but it was something she wanted to do. The only shitty thing for her, though, was the fact that once she got here they raised the age minimum for bars/pubs to twenty-one. They lowered it again back to eighteen a few years later.

Ah, and now the teacher wanders around the class. It's a good thing I'm writing this in Wordpad rather than Blogger, it looks like I'm doing work, and it looks like I have a huge massive awesome fucking essay to hand in. When I really don't. Ha, I love it. My plan is going to be researched tonight, I'm going to get more information on what I want to do and I'm going to make an appointment with the guidance counsellors downstairs to look in to it all. I'm pretty sure it's possible. There's just no way I'm graduating this year, it's just not possible. I've been fucked over royally by the administration here at my school, and I've screwed myself over. So, I might as well do this gradually, and actually get something out of it rather than rush through it. I'd like to be able to say I enjoyed my last year of school, and by the way things are going right now, I haven't enjoyed the past 13 years of school or the past 13 years of my life (with a few months as exceptions, the months where I found a little more of myself each time). It's about time I fricken start. And I liked what Mark said after I asked him if he thought any of this was stupid. "No, you're living your life, how can that be stupid?" Fuckin' rights.

This is huge.

I want to be out of here soon, though. I'll finish school out there. I just have to get more information. I'll get a full time job, start and finish the two psychology courses, make enough money to ship my ass out there and be able to pay for the first two or three months rent of wherever I'm living at the time. That's another thing, I have to find a place to live, and a job, very fast, when I get out there. Ah, I'll sort this out.

I really like this keyboard.
Holy damn. This thing's awesome. I really do want to take this home...

12:28 AM  ()

the stars all know that i adore... you.
I fucking hate you, Blogger.
Oh my god.

The anger.

Anyway, I can't deny the fact that I'm an extremely emotional person right now. I can't stop crying. My insides are aching. I know I should be smiling, and I am, and I'm excited, but right now is hard. This is really hard. Especially knowing that I can't be there for you to grip on to right away just before you fall. Knowing that the pain and confusion you're experiencing exists and I can't do a thing about it. And being seperated. I honestly feel as though I'm missing half of myself. I found myself there, and I felt at home, I found a place I was so comfortable with for the first time in my entire existance and I am physically unable to be there at the moment. It hurts. But then again I smile because I know it's there, waiting, ready.

Problems with parents begin again, it's just as it was before I left. Dad's angry as fuck, Mom's angry as fuck, but at the same time they're trying to comfort me and it's not working. I don't want either one to touch me. I've been yelled at numorous times today for absolutely no reason. I really don't know what's going on. But that is the least of my problems.

Tonight's a cold and quiet one. And I have a plan.

January 07, 2003
9:16 PM  ()

we're so damn hot.



He's so fucking gorgeous. I'm such a show off. Rock on.

8:40 AM  ()

i reached out to the stars last night so hard that it began to hurt.
I should take a picture of the hideousness that is me at the moment. I believe my hair looks worse here in Alberta in the morning than it did when I was in Ontario. And I'm dead serious... this is hilarious. And it's the most pointless thing to write about, but it's something that's on my mind. So it's important, motherfuckers.

I think the mornings and nights are the hardest for me right now. I wake up, and expect to be somewhere else, and when I fall asleep I feel like I should also be somewhere else. But either way, it all ends up with me smiling because it's all fucking happening and there's no stopping it. Last night was mainly a worry session about his current situation. Buh, the bastards.

This afternoon, Heather's coming over and we're going insane with the camera for the rest of the film that's inside of it. I want to get these pictures developed today. So, here's my plan (not that it matters to any of you that don't know me... or do know me for that matter): Take pictures, get in car, drive to Calgary, get them developed at a one hour photoshop and also put on a disk because I don't think my scanners working and I'm far too lazy to do all that work. Oh yeah, and I must remember to get doubles. Anyways, while those are developing, Heather and I are probably going to cause trouble in a book store, or in Sunridge mall. I can't spend any more money. I have to save it. I should also go to the bank before I go to school today and take all my money out in order to put it away towards my next trip. Yes, I will do that.

I'm still bothered by last night, but not too worried about it either. And this is the most amazing picture ever, ha.
Clifford sexually harassing Mark.

January 06, 2003
11:43 PM  ()

although it wasn't intended, that was uncalled for.
I am quite upset with what a person (who has never met me or knows nothing of the relationship I have with Scott) has said to me. The fact that he felt compelled to say something of the sort really irritates me. I care about that boy to death, and I would never do anything to upset him, but I did call, I tried my best to get together with him but it didn't work out so well. But him and I have been apart and reunited many times and every time it is the same, nothing has changed and the friendship is always there. So, the feeling that I got, the feeling that I was being given shit for something I shouldn't be given shit for, was insulting. I know he didn't mean to sound as though he was giving me hell for it, he was, and he was rubbing it in my face. This person had no right, it wasn't his place to say that sort of thing to me. "You had 10 days, I'm sure you weren't out for Christmas dinner with Cliff for ALL of those days." Hey, hey. That's going a little far there. "You sound like a person I know. Someone who gave it her all but really didn't." Now, now. God damnit. That's too far. Scott and I's friendship has battled many wars, we've gone through a lot and our fight to keep close has been a long one and it's been going well so far. So, I don't need that. Before any one says anything to me about that, it should be from him first, and either way, he will hear the story and all will be understood. Him and I will see each other again, there's no doubt about it. Ten days was not enough. It was not enough time for me to see him, and it wasn't enough time for me to spend with Clifford. But the time will be there soon, and it will be taken advantage of. (This is making me think of the dream that I had and wrote about the other night. And that really fucking scares me even though I don't believe it could be possible, Scott.)
____
I have to thank Ali for what he said. He's really made my night. It's so fascinating. The fact that the boy and I felt it, and others did too. They noticed it. They saw it before it happened. They saw it as it was in progress. And they can still see it. That is so fucking cool.

Wow. I miss you so much.
Especially right now. Ah, you're stuck with me now. I hope you don't mind. Ha.

3:45 PM  ()

whoa.
My god, all this parental insanity. I'm heading into Calgary right now, I should be back around 6:30-7:00... I don't know why I just informed you of that. But, damn. And school. I hate it. I skipped last class with Meagan. She's such a sweet girl. She burst into tears in the library after I told her my story, she was crying because she was so happy for me. It almost turned into a whole moment of girl sappiness, it was quite humorous. We held back. We're macho. Tough. Rarr.

11:30 AM  ()

the phone's ringing...
How did I know that was going to be Craig? I'll see you in half an hour, buddy. I pick this kid up (I've known him for years) almost every day now for school because our semester schedule is exactly the same. I must sound like a huge asshole when I pick up the phone though. "Hi, is Heather there?" "I'll pick you up at noon." "Haha, you never sound happy when you talk to me anymore, Heather. There's no love." Ah well, I explained to him why I am the way I'm acting at the moment. He understands. I'm kind of glad he called, I forgot his locker combination... and the number of his locker. We share a locker. So, I kind of need those.

I didn't want to shower this morning because I was afraid your essence would wash down the drain. But now that I have, I'm ecstatic because you're still here. Fantastic. Kyla's right. Keep looking forward.

January 05, 2003
5:34 PM  ()

i'm at my house now. but i'm not home.
I miss Clifford terribly. The bracelet. I can't help myself but to hold it up to my lips now and again, and every time another tear rolls down my cheek. It smells like him, too. "It was nice meeting you, Heather Laird." You said that so smoothly, and you moved and smiled at me in the way that only you ever could. I miss you so much.

I miss Ontario. Such fantastic people.
I want to thank Kat for the gift and "Max" the lighter. You're fantastic.

I can do this.
All my clothes smell like him and the room I was staying in, his house. So greatful for their allowing me to stay with them. Incredible people.
I'm coming back, darling.
I promise.
Soon.
I miss your heartbeat.

January 04, 2003
7:42 AM  ()

i told myself to sleep in until noon.
it's nine thirty. fuck. I'd go back to sleep but I just woke up from the most horrible dream that I've ever had. The most childish as well. I haven't seen Scott as much as I wanted to these past few days, but that's fine. I suppose. I've had an excellent time, I just wish he would have ... been there for some of it, I guess. Anyways, in my dream he left me. He told me we had drifted away, he treated me like a peice of dirt, and told me that we were nothing. He hid in trees from me, I had to get Tom & Drew to tell me where he was. He was laying down, and I jumped on him so he couldn't get away.

Heather, just stop it.
Stop what? Stop fighting for you?
We drifted apart a while ago.
What the hell are you talking about? No! We didn't! Jesus fucking christ!

By now I have tears streaming down my face and I had to wake myself up. I was sweating, I was gross, and I really want to take a shower right now but everyone's sleeping and then I'd feel like a huge asshole.

Anyways, last night was far more important so let's ramble on about that.
During the day I went downtown Toronto, again, with Kat, Rachel, and Sharon. Quite fun, one of the first things we did was walk into "New Tribe", and I came out of there with my naval pierced. (Which is another reason why I want to have a shower right now, so I can clean this damn thing.) We ended up with a lighter named Max... I also ended up with a new shirt, it was a fun afternoon. We had Thai food for dinner, and then we wandered off to the Reverb where we stood out front looking like groupies or jealous girlfriends. Ha. (Too funny.) It was quite hilarious. The boys (The Stares) played an AMAZING show last night, I knew they'd rock out hard. That was fucking cool. The Mark Inside did a very good job as well. Anyways, back to The Stares. Ali fell off the stage. Ha. Haha. It was so great though. He kept playing and all that shiznat, it just worked. Last night was a good night. Everyone was so tired by the end of it, though. Oh my. For all you Airdrie & Calgary kids: Calgary shows are shit. Toronto shows are the shit. So, fuck you. Haha. No, seriously. Calgary promoters... I dunno, I'm sorry Byron but you really blow at putting on shows now.

Ahh. Awesomeness.
Fuck. I have to go home tomorrow.
Which I've been kind of accepting a little easier now. But that doesn't mean I want to go.
But I do have to tend to a beautiful girl out there,
she'll help me through, as well, I'm sure.

I can't get over how well they played last night. Holy shit. So proud.

January 03, 2003
7:11 AM  ()

i forgave everyone, i gave up, i got drunk.
I'm awake. It's 9:07 and I'm awake. I'm upset about this. And there's a bruise on the end of my nose, I don't know how it got there. Agh, it hurts, though. I'm getting restless now, and I really don't think I'm ready for this. This pain that's just waiting to crack my jawbone. The edge of the pillow I've been sleeping on was still a little damp this morning. So not ready.

But:
Tonight's going to be fantastic.
I'm excited.

January 02, 2003
2:43 PM  ()

a message to one.
Alright, hun. You really need to stop being so down on yourself. You're never bothering me, and stop telling me that I don't like you. I like you. You're pretty, you're fun, and you make me laugh. But one thing that will bother me about you is if you keep acting so down toward yourself and being so paranoid. You remind me of myself when I was younger, when I used to apologize for almost every single word I said and I'd continuously ask someone if they were upset with me. Stop it. The more you ask, the more of a chance that one day they'll turn around and scream "STOP ASKING ME THAT!" It's what happened to me. So, I just want you to know that you need a little more confidence. You're a great girl, and I don't understand why you don't have it in you to be confident. No one hates you, and if they do, they're not worth wasting your time on. I don't hate you, and I don't dislike you, and you don't bother me, you're a great person. Alright? Alright.

9:24 AM  ()

a morning kiss & the crawling vines.
Let's park across the street around eight o' clock of any house one winter and watch the family inside. I'll then proceed to tell you that you'll be an excellent father, if not better than the one we're spying on. The kids, you'd put them to bed and turn out the light. You'll have to stand there for a moment or two to watch their dreams of pirates and princesses float above their heads. Don't close the door all the way, though, one of them's afraid of the dark.

Maybe it's just because you're you, but you drive like you're trying to get away from something in a hurry. If it weren't your parents car, did you know we could do exactly what I wrote that song for? Take off.

You're not the only one who can hear yourself changing into a man. I can hear it, too. And it's spectacular.
I remember when I used to write so much about wanting to be here.
And I'll do it again until I am here to stay.

January 01, 2003
7:34 AM  ()

i taste like toothpaste and rootbeer lipsmackers.
Happy New Year. Everyone's sleeping here, except myself of course. And this not knowing what the exact time is definitely drives me crazy. Ha, he's left a note outside of the door telling everyone to fuck right off until he wakes up on his own. Quite humorous. I hope Kat's alright, I didn't see her for the rest of the night last night (I'm tired, it works) after I went inside while everyone was piled out front. Heather, I taught them "Drunk Driver", they all have the bad luck just like I always did. I'd have to say that was one of the better parties I've been to, I'm not used to such friendliness. Not one person was down, and I wasn't scared to talk to anyone. It was quite good. I enjoyed myself. And Mark loves his girlfriend, very very much. He loves her, alright? Haha. Ah, Mark, you're a great guy.

"Where do we go from here? The words are comin' out all weird. Where are you now, when I need you?"
I don't want to go home.