March 30, 2003
4:41 PM  ()

And now they're worried about me. I'm sorry, but I'm not just going to go right up there and say it, tell them what I can barely explain to myself. No, that's not happening. My Mom figures I need to find more places to go, and my Dad keeps telling me to call Meagan. Today hasn't been a busy day, I've been keeping watch on my Mom and just kind of vegging out for the day. Supposed to make dinner but decided to make desert instead. Now that I'm making desert it seems like it's a huge event for those who putter about upstairs. "Oh, your Dad will be pleased to hear that!" ... Right. I made breakfast yesterday... I've been doing... a lot around here. The fact that this will be one of the first things I've done all day (except watched the whole Powerpuff Girls movie, and I have to say... at least one thumb up, it got me laughing at it's pointlessness) is being treated as though it's the first thing I've done in weeks isn't very comforting at all. It's actually really strange. Those Brits upstairs are just crazy.

I want it to rain again.

And I really like this picture.

11:42 AM  ()

Kyla and I were just talking about how we don't want to ever eat an "ear wax" flavoured Jelly Bean, and then I became curious as to what other ridiculous weird flavours they had.

Jelly Belly Beans's Harry Potter Bertie Bott' Every Flavor Beans / 20 Individual flavors: Banana, Black Pepper, Blueberry, Booger, Bubble Gum, Cherry, Cinnamon, Dirt, Ear Wax, Grape Jelly, Grass, Green Apple, Lemon Drop, Toasted Marshmallow, Buttered Popcorn, Sardine, Spinach, Tutti-Fruitti, Vomit, Watermelon.

Now that is flippin' gross. Interesting, but gross.

March 29, 2003
8:09 PM  ()

I am not a happy girl right now. I am not impressed.

11:15 AM  ()

Ah, I get to see my Katie Oslie today, and I really can't wait. I haven't seen her in ages, it's been too long. My Dad was asking me how long I would be, and I said I didn't know. I think this is the first time in a few weeks that I don't know how long I would be somewhere. This... is... progress. It really is. I think I'll drop off my application and resume at DT's Diner before I head out of town. I have to get gas as well, I'm runnin' really close (a little too close) to the happy little "E" on the metre. There's something about using an American Express card at a gas station, it's almost exhilarating, or maybe I'm just a huge freak. I think it's the air miles, baby. The air miles. I should get me one of those.

And I wonder how the boy's doing seeing as he worked a midnight shift straight from school. I assume he stayed up about 24 hours. I can't even believe it considering his current exhaustion. I mean, I stayed up for 72 hours during something similar (an already happening extreme lack of sleep) but it was for something, oh, so totally different. It didn't involve me working during extremely slow hours. Can't even imagine. And now the doorbell's ringing again. The phone rings non-stop (and it's ringing again now) here at the Laird residence and it's absolutely insane. I mean, the phone rings about 30 times a damn day. And I don't think that's much of an exaggeration. Last time I checked for calls when we had been out for only two hours, there were 18 different new callers. INSANITY. Queen, yes, Queen of useless information! Definitely. Love it. Live it. Hug the screen now.

5:04pm. Ah, Katie, it was great seeing you. Thank you so much.

8:32 AM  ()

Let's be lame and be late with the Friday Five. (I'll burst out laughing after this, I just know it.)

1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week? From last week? If I have to question it I probably don't have anything nice to say about this one.

2. What one person touched your life this week? A person who has touched my life... this week. A new person? Because if I have to chose a new person, I got nothin'. And I find so many things wrong with that question when I start thinking in a literal sense.

3. How have you helped someone this week? I haven't helped anyone this week, I haven't had time to help anyone this week, I haven't even had time to help my god damn self.

4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week? This time, next week, I hope to already have a job. A job, people. I need a job!

5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

March 28, 2003
5:11 PM  ()

So, I'm applying at DT's Diner. Full-time hostess and then maybe onto waitress. Oh, dear. I need a job, very badly. I need money, and I don't care how I get it.

Wrote a lot when I was up there. Got quite frustrated. I now have a secret that I've already apologized and forgiven myself for, and well, now it's forgotten. I no longer have a secret. Ha! Isn't that fantastic?

2:07 PM  ()

DON'T COMMENT ON THIS. PLEASE. Fingers knows where it's at.

10:59 AM  ()

My cousin John sent me and my Mom two fairly large posters of these pieces of artwork (he was a salesman for this guy and also a neighbor). Fantastic. The older based one (with many of my beloved favourite rockstars on it) goes in the living room for my Mom, and the recent based (with many more of my favourite rockstars on it) one goes in my bedroom. Must frame them first. Oh, so gorgeous.

1. The Jam - A History
2. The Jam 2 - Long Live Rock & Roll

They're so awesome. I can't believe it. It took the guy 5 years to finish the first one, which he started in '87. Ah, wow. So nice of John, so nice. I will call him tonight and thank him. Aunt Mary (his Mom) was telling me I must be prepared to hear many stories on the subject, and now I'm extremely excited to listen. "You'll have to hear about all the trip they took to Vancouver," and on, and on. I like hearing about things like that.

And it's lookin' like my underground "obnoxious" rockstar of a boyfriend is going to be hittin' it up with fame pretty soon if they can get things together. That's pretty hectic. I wish, for those boys, the best in whatever they end up doing.

March 27, 2003
10:16 PM  ()

So, so beautiful you are. No matter the extent of the negativity you can't help but let flow right out of you, you're beautiful, and I love you. And I can't wait to be with you next, can't wait for a lot of things but patience really is a virtue. I will apologize again, although I know you'd prefer me not to. I wish I could have expressed myself more thoroughly, things came out wrong, I'm not good at it. I'm really not. I'm sorry. But now, I must brag, because I really do feel like I'm the luckiest fucking girl in the universe.

6:40 PM  ()

Laird Hotel.
I've been giggling to myself about this for the past five minutes. Heh heh. I love it.

3:29 PM  ()

2:56 PM  ()

And to please the lovely and ever so famous Mr. Fingers who frequently visits my site (and I love him for it) and the others who desperately wanted a guestbook to sign, it's back up. And it's right there, next to my name. Have fun, kids.

March 26, 2003
6:35 PM  ()

Operation Must Prove To Self That Scott Brodie Is Not Just A Figment Of Heather Laird's Imagination. So, I just finished calling my closest friend for the millionth time in the past three months and again unsuccessfully hearing his voice on the other end of the telephone line. He's disappeared off the face of my planet, and I don't like that. People here hear me talking about this boy all the time "my best friend" this and "my best friend" that, and now I seem to be just calling a number that leads to where no one is home ever. I must sound psychotic. I'm beginning to doubt myself. Did I ever meet this boy? Does he exist? Is he alive? Waldo? Fuck. This is so depressing. I suppose I'll go try one more time and then call it a night. I haven't talked to him since I was in Ontario. I saw him once, and I'll never forget the wonderful giddy smile on his face when he saw me for the first time in a year and a half. Oh man, I feel like shit.

9:53 AM  ()

1st resume dropped off at appropriate destination twenty minutes ago. The elder lady that snatched it from me didn't seem to pleased with me, which is quite odd because I'm dressed quite classy right now. I don't know, maybe she was expecting somebody older looking. Either way, I hope she or the owner looks it over and realizes I'm quite capable of doing the job. And they've offered on site training (which I won't need too much of other than learning prices and products, etc), so there shouldn't be too much of a problem. I no longer have my nose-ring in. What's there not to like, here? I'm hot today, but in a very reserved way. I'm totally rockin' this outfit. I'm going to wait another hour or so before I get out there again, everything's just opening up and I should give these cats time. People rush around in the morning, but when it's closer to lunch things are finished and they're capable of spending a little more time on other things, like learning to love me for example. There was another job available quite similar to the job I had with at my Dad's office, it's another flooring company here in town... I'm a little weary on going after that one though, I never did enjoy data entry. Ah, a job is a job, I should drop a resume off anyways. I wonder if it's Tom who owns it... probably (only flooring store in town that most people know of), okay, not going to bother. That family hates me. (Ha.)

Aunt Mary's bangin' away on something upstairs in the kitchen, I can't imagine on what. Which reminds me, I had my first Mango experience yesterday with her. Quite tasty, I was impressed.

Many dreams last night. You were in all of them. Only two I could remember perfectly when I woke up. None I can recall very well now. I remember you sneaking up on me. I remember trying to drive there and running out of gas (because I'm an idiot). I remember my Aunt Mary giving me British £1o.oo & £5o.oo notes, and telling me it was all she had. I believe this was because you were talking about having a wad of cash in your pocket 4 inches thick, this wad of British paper money was around that size in width. I couldn't believe my eyes, I couldn't even imagine how many Canadian Dollars I could get out of that, and I felt horrible for accepting it. And yet I still chose to drive, and didn't make it. I got to some city 5 or 6 hours later thinking it was Whitby and I called your Mom (you didn't know I was on my way, I just had to get out of here and I was coming up there for the weekend, totally forgot it was a four day drive... it was a dream, give me a break) and started telling her where I was. It looked exactly like Whitby, but you had a monstrous Safeway where the Whitby Mall was supposed to be, and the McDonalds was moved a little farther to one side (closer to the road where we'd turn up to go to your place). I let her know I'd be there in a few minutes, but of course I was 4 days away. What a fool I was. I'm remembering now. And I was woken up by my alarm and then I fell back asleep, you showed up at the front door and I said "There's no one I've wanted to see more," and you followed me up the stairs where we talked to my Dad. It was so casual, like you had come from up the street. I wish we had that right now, I do, and I'm sorry we don't. We will soon.

March 25, 2003
7:43 PM  ()

I just got off the phone with Cliff's Dad (who actually decided to say more than a few words to me today), as he reminded me that Cliff just got his new amp and all that shiznat and he's still at the factory fiddling about with it all. We joked about how we'd all not see or hear from him for days and days at a time, and then that was that.

I've found a job opening at the mall in the Jewelery store for a Sales Associate. It was just posted today so I'm jumping on that tomorrow morning (I want to drop off my resume in the morning making me look more professional, and I'll make myself look all fantastic... and the like). So I'm pretty excited about that. I spent an hour or so at DT's Diner today, I haven't been there since Clifford and I were there with Colleen. I think, I can't remember. No cigarette cravings, too much coffee, a lot of writing. It was fun. I feel as though I've accomplished something today, and it always feels good to accomplish something. It's put a smile on my face, and it's good news for my Mother. I wish I could have gone to see her tonight, but they're going to be there late again and I have to wake up early in the morning. And now the telephone's ringing. It's Mark, again.

1:28 PM  ()

I am worth exactly $1,770,030.00, apparently. Check this out, and this out. I was bored and started browsing blogs today, and then I came across wander-lust (somewhat of a directory of personal websites) through this boys blog. People have such fancy websites these days, my goodness.

My cousin Mark called for his "Nana" today (my Aunt who's helping us out), and I'm not too sure on what to think about that quite yet. A while ago I mentioned running into my cousin Michael at some Chinese Restaurant and then I ended up getting in shit for it. Mark is his brother. I also mentioned Mark and what Michael had told me about him. The last Michael had heard about his younger brother Mark was a pipe blew up in his face, and he was juvenile jail again. I don't know, I don't know what to believe about them anymore. I'll just give Aunt Mary the message and leave it be, I suppose. I just hope insanity doesn't burst out right now, it's not the time for it. It's not the time for it at all.

11:07 AM  ()

I'm thinking I really want the side of my lip pierced, but I'm not sure if that'll look good on me. Maybe I'll go find out.

10:57 AM  ()

Half an hour. Half an hour. An hour and a half. Then she's set.

March 24, 2003
10:06 PM  ()

The phone rang and my heart jumped and I had hoped it would have been you, even at this late hour, but alas it was one of my brothers.

They've been up at the hospital for about 4-5 hours now, it's kind of late. It's 10:00 and I'm not used to going to bed without anyone in the house as of late, and I'm becoming extremely paranoid. Why am I like that? Heh. And why do I write in this so much? Who cares. I bought a new notepad, though. So, I'm excited on starting my new written journal (seeing as I've used up the last one).

And seeing as it really is worth reading, like he said: check this blog out.

8:10 PM  ()

interesting are those that cry for the morning when the sun is already gone. with that, another sun was killed today by the train, and his moon awaits for his arrival at the dinner table, stars scattered around the living room. bump, bump, glide. let the tracks guide this mass of metal. and let it feel my insides, let it bump through my veins. let the buildings become a quick glimpse of the future that run as fast as they can into the past. let it be difficult, and let it rain like acid. too fast, too slow, too still. and then on the streets of some neighborhood i told my father that when i decided to settle i wanted a tree or two in front of my house.

4:45 PM  ()

Must do all those things again tomorrow minus the glasses and the going downtown. No, I did not procrastinate, my Dad decided that it would be better if I went with him (where I got stuck at the store for over an hour because he couldn't pry himself away from installers that were continuously nagging) for lunch, and then to see my Mom at the hospital. She'll be in there until Wednesday or Thursday (she says). "Come again tomorrow," she said, "I miss you." I miss you, too, Mom. She looked very well today, my Dad said she's made so much progress since yesterday. She has the best sense of humor, and she was wearing a big grin. They still have a lot of tests they need to do on her, apparently, and they're waiting for other results (this is why they're keeping her in there, from what I know of). She wants to come home very badly.

So, tomorrow's going to be my job hunting day. I'm going to try and scope out every possible place I can cover within a time limit (10:00-4:00) and just check everything out I guess. I must go see Mike at the YEC.

I signed my withdrawal sheet earlier this morning. I was wished "Good Luck" twice, and after I left the building I was immediately asked if I wanted to buy weed by a young girl who was giggling and sucking on a lollipop with two of her boy friends. I hate waiting. More waiting. I can't stand waiting. This waiting. That waiting. Previous waiting and now waiting and soon waiting. Can't stand it. None of it. And I declined the girl's attempt to sell me her product. Her appearance made me sad. She looked as though she had been sleeping in a dumpster for the past three or four days, and higher than the highest. I don't like that anymore, it doesn't scare me or anything, but it just forces me to pity the person when they depend on drugs like that. It bothers me, and it bothers me even more so because I don't even feel the need to help them. It's like I don't care, I lose respect, and just don't care. I don't know what it is. People are allowed to have their fun, hell, I have my fun. But when it's used to that extent (I'm pretty sure it wasn't just marijuana she had been smoking) and depended on to such an extreme level, I feel nothing for them. Absolutely nothing. And that scares me. Feeling nothing for a person is not comforting at all, only because it is so comforting. It's like forgetting. It just doesn't matter anymore.

7:38 AM  ()

Early. Tired. Must straighten hair. Must get dressed. Must drive 35 kilometres into Calgary. Must walk to 17th Avenue and back. Must hang out at Sunridge Mall and scope it out for a job. Must go with Dad to Costco to get glasses. Must go to YEC today or tomorrow. But before all this, I must get the perscription for my glasses. I don't know if they're open. I feel so rushed.

And, again, thank you so much for last night, Clifford. Thank you for feeling me and hearing me.

March 23, 2003
8:33 PM  ()

Okay, I'm sorry, but I am so terrified right now. Oh fuck, Mom. I miss you. I am so angry with the world, I want to scream and rip out my hair. Maybe I want to be heard? Maybe I want her to be heard? I have nothing to say, I don't know what to say. I don't know about a lot of things right now. I'm confused about this world. I want everything wrong to end. I want this war to end. I want the illness and all the pain to end. I want it to end. I wish I could slow time, scream a loud deafening and deathly scream that would stick inside a mind and ring in the ears of every individual who heard until the day they die.

I'm afraid of everything right now. I'm confused and he was right, my father was right, that was an awful way to be told to grow the fuck up and quick. I have to financially stabalize myself quick because soon I may be paying for a few things around here, our lives as we know them may be about to change. I don't care, it's her I care about. It's her. It's the boy. It's a life in general. A healthy one? A lively one. I want her to be a part of it. I don't want her gone. I don't want her to leave just yet. No, she can't leave just yet. She's far too precious to leave just yet. She's far too happy to leave just yet. She's far, too.

And the punk rocker sings a song about the ex-girlfriend and the heartbreak on my play list and I want to throw the monitor and the speakers on the floor. I want to scream at him. A lot of everything is making me angry now. I can't make sense of a lot of things. I can't make sense of anything. I'm sad. I'm not showing it whilst in a conversation or anything, but I'm sad. I'm not taking this well "upstairs". I can't accept this. So surreal. I wish it wasn't real. I wish none of it was real. I wish she was sleeping in her bed right now, waiting for me to wake her up and make her a cup of tea. Oh god. I love her. And I can't hold her. And she can't hold me. So I just wish and wish non-stop that he could be here to hold me, so that I could cry and let my body shake close to his. I'm terrified. Fucking terrified.

Please don't comment on this.

1:10 PM  ()

So, Don (Cliff's Mother's significant other) had the privilege of talking to me whilst being out of it this morning. I made a fool of myself and we both had a laugh with it. He put a smile on my face this morning. Ha, he uses the term "girlfriend" ('take care of yourself, girlfriend'), and I find it quite amusing. Anyways, I'm supposed to go visit my Mom some time today, but I don't think I will be doing such due to a medical occurance which happened this morning. I'm just going to wait for my Dad to come home and go from there. I've invited Meagan over, it'll be good to see her. I'll do something with my hair and maybe we can go for a walk or something, it's gorgeous outside.

I just finished watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High, what a horrible movie. But of course it suits me, watching really bad movies. I wonder if I've wasted a year or more yet on watching movies. Excellent, the doorbell. Yay, Meagan.

March 22, 2003
9:45 PM  ()

I just finished baking cookies, and I feel sick. I feel bad because for most of our conversation I was talking to my Dad or Aunt about random things and the location of my Mother. I don't think I was very interesting tonight at all, and I apologize for that.

My stomach is trying to flip itself upside down, I think. It's not out of hunger, for every time I eat I end up with motion sickness at some point, even sitting down.

It was good to see Kyla today. She's looking well, and she's always got a few interesting stories to tell.

Another night without my Mother here, it's not very late and I'm feeling as though I've stayed up hours and hours past my usual "bed time". I'm sorry, no matter how much someone can make me smile or laugh, I'm not doing very well with this right now. I can't help myself but cry when I'm alone, wishing so badly I could grip onto him and have his arms wrapped around me. I want to feel safe right now, I want to feel nothing right now. I have so many wishes right now, so many dreams, so many everythings. Don't be negative, Heather. Hang on, give me a few seconds to realize what's going on, let it hit me and let it be over with so I can finally stand up, brush myself off, and help her deal with this. I want to scream out "let me be", except I don't want to be alone. But I can't talk about it, I don't know how, other than saying "It's scary" and looking away.

I think I'll go to bed now.
Update 22:15: A little uplifted. I thank "the stranger" for that.

2:19 PM  ()

New glasses will be had or ordered by Monday, I've chosen them. The culprit who broke my previously beautiful black rimmed glasses can now let the guilt slide from their shoulder. I'm watching the Pentagon Briefing that just started a few minutes ago, and the only thing I can wonder about right now is what the hell that woman is/was wearing.

Scary overwhelming news was shared with me today at Laird's Flooring in the front room. "I wanted to tell you this as soon as you had your decision set and you were comfortable, and I didn't want to tell you at home or in company, so I've brought you here." The first words of the conversation said to me by my Father who had already started allowing tears to stream from his eyes. He told me to enjoy her, and love her, and keep pulling on that rope (metaphor) for her. I'm not taking it very well, but I'm doing well with hiding my fear from her. I don't want her to see that. I'm most likely leaving the house for the evening, once I can get a hold of Kyla. I really wouldn't mind being in the company of a good friend right now, just to keep my mind a bit occupied and to talk to a little bit about the subject. I'm afraid, I'm so very afraid. I cried, and I saw him cry again for, I think, the third time since I've been around. "She's my top priority, Heather. She's the only thing on my mind. Just so you know, life as we know it now may change drastically, or it may not. The business means nothing to me right now, I may be retiring a little sooner than I figured." I don't care about that, I don't care about any of that. She is the top priority here. This is my Mother you're talking about. Dr. Vergee came here yesterday with another doctor, he's our family doctor. They don't make house calls...

Either way, we were told that (if there is any) she has the better kind of Cancer, it's usually very responsive to radiation. I've been told a lot today, a little more than my mind can handle at the moment. I'm still trying to get my head around it. "Enjoy her." Please, don't say that too much, you make it sound like she won't be around for much longer. Although you did basically tell me that my Mother may or may not be able to fight this off, don't make it sound like she won't be around next year or in a few months from now. She'll fight this, she'll fight this as hard as she can, she's the strongest and most determined woman in the world.

And to make this entry sound more like a "Stop Smoking" commercial script: And only if she hadn't started, if only she knew the things we knew now about tobacco products. So many if only's. But, like Dad said, it's time to fight with her again, a little harder this time.

9:14 AM  ()

You know what, I like Kat. What a wonderful girl. Bags caught in doors and all. Fantabulous, definitely.

And I like how I keep changing my layout and making it look extremely goofy. It's fantastic. Wow, it seems as though I'm in a good mood. Early night last night, I hate time zones, I wished we could have rambled on for longer. Heard the dog bark in the backyard at 7:30 a.m. and this was when I couldn't get back to sleep.

Mom thinks I'm still smoking, in which I'm not. I miss it incredibly, but it makes me want to vomit now. The smell of it and the taste of it. I was ready to throw myself out of my brothers car window yesterday afternoon when he drove me home, for he smokes and was smoking while I was there. I wonder if I ever will start again, I hope not. I've said I won't. I don't know if I can if I'm so disgusted with it. But, I do miss it. And that's probably not a good thing.

When do we spring forward?
And a Happy belated Birthday to Fingers.

March 21, 2003
2:19 PM  ()

The sirens are going crazy on the street 6 floors below me, and another person was hit by the C-train some time yesterday or this morning. I talked to Mike, here, today and it went quite well. He's made me comfortable with my decision, and I believe he's the first. Now that he's presented me with more of a logical way of thinking about the entire thing, it makes even more sense to me. It's not going to benefit me in any way for what I want to do with myself in the future. Journalism. I want to be a journalist, not a Court Liaison or an RCMP officer. If I wanted to be those things then this would be fantastic, I'd be able to stick with it and put up with not making a lot of money. But see, if I can make more money with a no-brainer job (and money is something I need very much of right about now, I have to start saving like crazy) then why not do it? It makes so much more sense, don't you think?

I'm using Windows95 on a COMPAQ Deskpro Computer that looks so outdated. I feel so oldschool. And I'm totally screwing up the layout on this pathetic website. Damn you, HTML. Oh well. I can't help but wonder what time it is right now? Is it really 2:10 (what it says on this cheesy old computer that isn't always correct) or is it earlier than that? Friday's are great, but I have to be honest, Saturday is definitely my favourite. How I want to complain, but have you Calgarians looked outside? It's so beautiful outside. Wow. Spring is here? What is here? I wish it were Summer. Working downtown in the summer would be awesome. Maybe I should do that. Yeah, man. I'll go looking down on 17th Ave and see who's looking. Rockin'. Haha, maybe I'll be like Joey Sparkles and work at Le Chateau for the summer. Haha, what a trendy store. Especially the one on 17th Ave, they have things in there I have never seen in the windows of another Le Chateau. Now, that would be hilarious. A job is a job, and I need money. And this way, also, it will be good because I won't have to worry about "earning vacation days at a rate of 1.3 a month", although I will have to worry about that later, right now is not the time. I'd like to visit my boyfriend, thanks.

There is really nothing for me to do right now. Mike's told me to just kind of relax and sit around until 4:00. My brother's supposed to be picking me up at Rundle Station now, how I wish I had the car. And yes, my eye is healing. Excellent. This excites me, I like feeling healthy. Have you noticed that, when you're ill with anything or something is just physically wrong with you and it becomes annoying, you constantly want to be "normal" or "healthy looking". You want to go back to the carefree you where you don't really have to worry about an infection or a cold or anything? Yeah? I've felt like that for the past few months now. Maybe a week or so break inbetween every now and again. Haha, it's not fun. I'm always sick with something. If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm an unhealthy girl. So, to remedy this, I'm going to start swimming. Ha. Haha. (Wow, that was pathetic, I just made myself laugh out loud and no one knows why, I must look like a fool.) Alright, I feel good today, let's hope it stays this way.

7:54 AM  ()

Eye equals slowly on the mend, I think. Slowly. I can't really decide yet, I just woke up, it usually gets worse through the day. It feels like an entirely different season, summer maybe. I heard my Mom laugh upstairs, like she used to, but that's sort of impossible. It was probably my Aunt. I feel like I should be able to run outside, call Cameron over and eat breakfast and jump on the trampoline in our pajamas. Or just go out there and wait until he comes to the chain link fence seperating our houses and asking me what I'm up to. He'd just stand there and wait for me to invite him over, so I played games with that head of his. Much fun.

Today's the conversation day, the day when I find out what the hell I can do and how the hell this is all going to benefit me now other than how good it will look on my resume. YMCA Calgary is going to get a mouthful from me and my decision to withdraw or not withdraw will be based on what they say to me today and how I feel afterwards. I think I will also pay Michael at the Youth Employment Centre here in Airdrie a visit after I get home. Ugh, I have no one I can talk to about this other than him that will give me some advice or some realistic suggestions. Not that my plan wasn't realistic to begin with, I just figured this was going to be so much better for me than it's turning out to be. Now, I need a little help coming up with another realistic plan. I have one, but I think I'll run it by him first. I'm not saying I can't talk to anyone, but when I do I usually get the whole "it's so good for you" deal. My Dad's the only one who's basically said "I prefer you get a real job, rather than you and them just dilly-dallying about like you're in Elementary school, this RCMP office needs to smarten up as well." Ah, plans. Planning. Hassle. Task. I love how my Father treats everything as if it's a business proposition. Having my Mom home, getting groceries is like him going to take a measure on somebody's home. He gets all business like, extremely serious, and uncomfortable. He's really hard to get along with. And just now, he's going on and on about things I don't need to know. Business this, business that, need to go get a chair, Jackie can call me if she needs me to go take a measure. Dad, all I asked you was if you're driving me into Calgary today, and if so, are you picking me up at Rundle station? Oh, yeah. He is.

The sky is grey this morning, it already feels as though it should be dinner time. A Friday with a sky that's mourning. I wonder what for.

March 20, 2003
9:32 PM  ()

So? Maybe I am a bit ridiculous. And maybe I am cat woman. Gotham City will be mine. I'm watching the Truman Show for the third time in my life and I've already got my back turned to it. And I'll most likely be going to bed early again tonight. My Dad walked in at 10:00 last night, maybe a bit earlier, and asked me if I was alright. I replied with a "ahhghghh sleepy" and he said he finds it extremely odd, the fact I've been going to sleep early every night. (For the past few years, I went inside my room at about 12:30-1:00 a.m. every night and fell asleep about 2 or 3 hours later, so yeah, it's a bit odd.) I've got a nice sleeping schedule happening here, or maybe it's because I'm so bored with everything.

Meagan came to visit me tonight, it was nice to have her around. I feel bad because we never do much, but I'm so lazy lately. I've lost a lot of will to do things because of my current frustrations. Le sigh. However, goodnight.

7:53 AM  ()

Maybe I should start drinking more water, I wake up early and feeling hungover every day. I'm at home again today. It's far too unsafe for me to drive, my eye is sore and worse, but I promised I would be there tomorrow. I wish I could have promised to be somewhere else tomorrow, maybe with him. Tears streaming down my face as I sat curled up in the tub with the shower's stream of water pelting my back as though I was being punished. And they tell me to be strong and they tell me to get my shit together, but how can I? How can I right now? And just to please them and to avoid upsetting her, I keep a smile on my face but I'm still quiet. I don't talk much yet with them. I couldn't hold it back, there's a lot of days like that. I thought of him and what he might be up to if he were near, I thought of his laughter and his smile, and I thought of how desperate I am to be with him.

Is it January 9th, 2004 yet?

March 19, 2003
6:32 PM  ()

Well, I suppose I'm not going to Kim's house. I'd call her, but I just don't care to enough right now. She seemed upset with me and in disbelief of my Mother's sickness. I went to the doctors and he's given me an antibiotic form of those tear drop things. It's not working, obviously seeing as I just got it. But I want this go to away now. I can't be around my Mom because of it, I just feel awful. And dinner was a little scary. She had a bit of a fit, she couldn't cough and I... don't remember the rest. See, I'm not going to be very good to have around if something goes wrong. I kind of black out, and I back away from the situation. Ever since that first accident she had with the glass... I just can't stand to see her in pain. You'd think that would give me a little incentive to pursue trying to help her, right? I want to help her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I get too scared, I feel as though I'm going to do something wrong, as usual. So, my Dad helped her out, I got up out of my seat and ended up somewhere with my back pressed up against the fridge, and then I ended up downstairs again somehow. I don't... know... how.

I'm not doing too well. I have a few things to get used to. And the pain that this stupid inflamation of the under eye lid is causing for my eye is just ridiculous. I don't understand why I keep getting all these infections whether it be the eye, throat, ear, etc. I'm not a happy girl today, and I doubt I will be tomorrow either.

My Dad's getting edgy, giving me shit because I'm a little reluctant to go drive and pick up things for him (because of my eye) and then apologizing to me after I get back. I can't drive. That's all there is to it. I can't drive with my eye closed, and with it open it just causes all sorts of distractions. I almost hit three cars today because I didn't see them. So, I'm thinking I'm not going into Calgary tomorrow unless my Dad drives me in with him. "You're going to lose this job, aren't you?" my Mom said... for whatever reason. I haven't done anything wrong yet, I haven't skipped like I used to skip school. I didn't go today because I needed to go to the doctor and I can't drive like this. I just kind of looked at her when I said that and decided not to say something I would usually say. I have to give her a lot of leeway for the next three weeks, she's going to say things that are going to get under my skin faster than anything else, but I can control myself. She's not the best person to run to for some support or uplifting, but sometimes she is. I don't like it when she doubts me when I'm not doubting myself. I'm doubting the training program, I haven't gotten close to the office where I'll be working quite yet. The training program has nothing to do with my job. So, no, I'm not going to lose this job. And even if I do, it won't be hard to find another.

I'm really starting to feel like I've done something wrong somewhere in my life, and is it wrong for me not to care? I don't regret a thing, but somewhere I think I've done something wrong. Was it the school thing? No, because I'm still in school. So, what am I worrying about? What am I stressed over? I don't want to be here. Like Mark, I want this year to be over already.

11:12 AM  ()

Heather, remember to TAKE BOOKLET BACK TO KIM'S HOUSE BEFORE 6:00 P.M. TONIGHT. Or else you'll feel awful and all those nice things that go along with it.

11:05 AM  ()

Doctors appointment in half an hour. There's no way he can tell me there's nothing wrong with my eye this time. I woke up with it sealed shut and so very irritated. It was absolutely disgusting. I didn't go downtown today for Training, I don't have the $5 we needed today anyways. We were going to some international foods lunch-in for about four hours today, so I don't think I'm missing out on much other than food. And me, I need to stay away from food.

My Mom's coming home from the Hospital today, flowers have been arriving here non-stop. I just recieved another for her about ten minutes ago. The insanity, all the nice people. So nice. I also need to get a hold of Kim from the Kidney Foundation, I was supposed to call her last night. Shit. I have to let her know I don't have the money, I don't have any of it, things were far too hectic for me to go out and get the fundraising done. It's true, because my Dad said so.

Oh yeah, I'm making a few more adjustments to my website. Too small for you? That's too bad, isn't it?

March 18, 2003
8:58 PM  ()

It's close enough to 9:00 at night and I've been sleeping for the past hour since I had my shower (meaning my hair is nothing but a tangled mess of curls and I'm wearing pajamas), and what have I been woken up for? To go buy bread. Bread. Bread. How I will hate thee for the next few weeks.

5:43 PM  ()

are you summer or is that a chair?
Heather & Nicole: "Please tell us where a car dealership is."
Hyatt Bell/busboywhateverthefuck: "If you go in that direction *points to his right*, there's one up two blocks and one over."
Heather & Nicole: "Awesome! Thanks!" Heather & Nicole dart off running to the left and up some other street.
I can't even imagine how badly we confused him and how stupid we must have looked. We ran off in the other direction because we had to find the Husky Oil company building in order to find out how many floors there were in it. That's right, they sent us on a SCAVENGER HUNT. Yup. A Scavenger Hunt. As you must notice already I am not impressed. It was fun because there was nothing to it, we ran around a lot, and it was just a game... BUT it is a game for five year olds. They sent us running around downtown Calgary like a bunch of fuckin' lab rats in a maze. I almost got hit by a car. I almost wanted it to hit me.

11:14 AM  ()

insert. picture. clip art. gross.
location: Calgary Achievement Centre for Youth (computer lab)
mood: With reading the poster that says “Attitude Is A Little Thing That Makes A Big Difference” with a picture of a stick man and his shadow… I realize how bored I am and how ready I am to tear almost every poster down in this entire room. I’m on 10th Avenue if anyone would like to make the effort to come save me. Oh my jesus, and for a second there I thought they had the pretty puppy Bess blocking the Blogger website. I almost started crying. That would have been a tragedy.

I’ve been sitting here for the past hour doing absolutely nothing, I finished the project I was supposed to complete today. I wrote it on the first thing that popped into my head, which I won’t share because it proves to show how much of a geek I am. (Wasn’t that a massive hint?)

I should probably say a little something on this 48 hour shenanigans with this Bush business. I’ve got nothin’. I’m all against it, of course, but like I said the reality of it all hasn’t really hit me. The thought of war scares the $%#& out of me, but there’s not much I can do about it. Boys with toys plus the burden of their testosterone levels shooting sky fucking high. (I really need to go to the doctor again about my eye, there’s got to be something seriously wrong with it, or maybe getting my other prescription filled would do me some good.) I think that right there shows to prove my emotions towards the subject. It just hasn’t hit me yet. I’m disgusted with the entire thing, and that’s all I can really say about it. I like what strummer has on her site, “The only BUSH I trust is my own.” Ha, yes. I like that very much. I also would like to quote Azriel because I also share the same concern: "I am concerned being so geographically close to a nation picking a fight because they are scared of an attack when in reality they are giving "the enemy" an excuse to use the weapons they refuse to disarm."

I made my own lunch today. I fucking rock.

7:39 AM  ()

ginger ale & secret cigarettes.
I'm having major doubts with this job now, just because of this training program. I've woke up prepared for another bad day. I have to go to the YMCA building first this morning rather than the computer lab because they all want to meet up there. I went straight to the computer lab one afternoon and made them all quite late because they were waiting for me back at the YMCA building. Too much walking, all this effort. Nothing. I'm so entirely ready to just withdraw and start looking for a job elsewhere, but... I won't. Not until I figure out what I'm doing yet. This is a great opportunity for me and definitely will benefit me, but I'm just not sure anymore. I'm intimidated by something. And frustrated with the program.

I burned the side of my neck again straightening my hair this morning. Just the same as last time, before I went to Banff, it shall be the annoying thing of the morning. I feel sun burnt. Ow, and all that which goes with it. My Aunt is coming here at 6:30 tonight, apparently. She lives in B.C. They found a cheap flight pretty fast. So, as a reminder: HEATHER. CLEAN UP LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN. HIDE EVERYTHING THAT'S YOURS OR SHOULDN'T BE THERE.

March 17, 2003
5:20 PM  ()

tredding on slightly disturbed ground.
One day, soon, my dear. Soon. I wrote a lot today while I was sitting on the floor in a corner and leaning against the railing of the many stairs that go up and up in the YMCA fitness building. Why were we there? Oh, well it's part of our course you see. I felt like I was four years old going on a field trip, again, to the Bobahan Pool. Of course I didn't do anything, I wandered around with my binder in hand and jacket on looking as though I was so out of place or as if I was some sort of inspector. Making notes once in a while. Finally I parked myself, and wrote for about two hours. I also fiddled around with the cell phone racking up my Mother's cell minutes by using the web browser. I was bored out of my skull. I can't understand for the life of me how any of this is teaching us anything about the jobs we are going into. I just don't get it. What is with this? Someone please tell me, for I am mighty confused. Or maybe I'm just an idiot.

It is now two for them, and myself I have reset.

I have the pictures in front of me now, and it's a damn shame that you lost your camera. I hope you'll find it at some point. (Did you check your Mom's car?) They'll be going into my cool new photo album and some on my wall, of course. The doubles will be sent East. Sigh, you look so good in them. I especially like the one where I'm sticking a rose in your face, my back to the camera, and you cowering away from me. I feel so macho. I'm defeating you with a rose. "Pretend I gave that to you." But... you didn't. He did. Haha, oh dear. And when you came running up the ramp with one rose in hand and the other in your mouth, my Dad laughing. Ah, the memories. Fuck, I miss you. They have a cool white border, and they look so hectic. I love it.

Tonight... I don't really know what's on for tonight. I've had a bad day, so I'm not going to visit my Mom, I don't want to make her uptight. So, my Dad's visiting her now and he shouldn't be back until about 7:30 and then we're apparently going out for dinner for about an hour. I don't really want to go anywhere, I look like I've been ran over ten times, plus four. It's kind of amusing. They took a picture of me today for my YMCA membership card. What am I going to use this for? Swimming? Sure, maybe. Basketball, I can deal with that. But the bikes and the weight lifting and the pulling and the stretching and the tennis and the running and the insanity that goes with all of that?

Uh, no.

I don't think so.
The card is so hilarious, the picture... their camera is simply awful. The color is all wrong, and half my face is missing, and it's... it's just funny. I can't believe they used it. Maybe I look like the type that won't come back, so they just didn't bother making it worth looking at. Hoo boy, that's a knee slapper right there. I think I sent Kyla a text message on the telephone, I hope I did, I tried.

7:29 AM  ()

tightly tied elastic around wrists.
I should be out of here in half an hour. I don't like my new layout, either. I don't like a lot of things right now. My eye is pestering me, I'm hungry and there's no food, and I really don't feel like driving. It looks cold outside, and I know they're going to tempt me to smoke. Sigh. Poor me, or something. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Everyone needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves.

Meagan brought up a good point yesterday as we were watching Tony Blaire, some spanish dude, and George Bush on television making live statements or something. "Why don't I care?" she asked me. Probably the same reason I don't care and the same reason why I don't understand a word they're saying. The thing is, if I really listened, they're saying things a fucking monkey could understand, they're just using boring big words, etc. Plus, I'm just not interested. "It makes me feel like a horrible person, Heather," Meagan says. Me too. But, we're not horrible people. The reality of it all hasn't hit us yet. I suppose maybe I'm holding on to some hope that Bush isn't a complete idiot and won't do anything stupid... what a crock. And that man really does have a short attention span. He's all over the place when he's talking about things. He makes my brain hurt with all his "Uh"s. Drives me insane.

I started reading "Life of Pi" last night, I didn't get very far because I sort of just faded out and fell asleep with it on my face. So far I've learned a lot about sloths. Alright, I should go make myself something to eat. I'm such a miserable girl today.

March 16, 2003
9:05 PM  ()

apparently i come from the night sky.
I developed the pictures and they're fantastic, I love them, but I'm a huge idiot and I think I left them at the hospital. I'm so angry about this right now, and I'm quite sure I've done this. Otherwise I'd be frantically running around the house looking for them. Sigh, how I disappoint myself. They're such great pictures (except for the ones with me in them, I look quite revolting but others disagree). What's with me? Why am I constantly worried about what I look like? Honestly. It's not so much frustrating to me, but to others I've gathered it to be so. I'm sorry, I suppose. I'm female.

Looking through them in the car was quite depressing, but why? Why do I allow it to be depressing? And why must the telephone ring constantly? Just because, I suppose. I guess it's not so depressing as much as it makes me nostalgic. I really can't wait for next time. Ha, I liked how he described it as a really long date. And here is where I shrug and say: I like him. I like having him around. He makes me laugh, and his smile is so uplifting. I like making him smile. I like looking at him, I like looking at the pictures I have of him, I like thinking about him. I like everything about him. I love everything about him. It was surreal when he arrived, and now it's surreal that he has gone. He should be here, he should be right there, right there on the couch or behind me. I should be telling him to stop tickling me or something of the sort. That's one thing he got a kick out of while he was here, my despising of being tickled and my not being able to fight him back when he does it. Anyone else, I'm quite comfortable with screaming at and threatening or slapping away, but I can't do such things to him other than scream for someone else to help me and... I sound like a fucking small kid, that's all there is to it. I sound pathetic, and he got such a kick out of it. I shake my fist violently at you. And I glare. I remember punching my Dad in the face when I was a kid for tickling me, and then almost doing the same to Scott after I punched Cameron in the stomach. Scott and Cameron's very words: "I will never tickle you again, you're scary." Damn straight. Oh but now, I'm weak and petite and just can't do anything about it. Note: to those who know me and are close in geographical location, don't tickle me, I will pay someone to kill you.

And now it's time for me to wonder why I just wrote that...
I really am a nerd.

I had Meagan over for most of the morning and afternoon, last night we sort of fell asleep on one another. We woke up and decided to wander into my room half-asleep. I remember her asking me if I was okay because it was the first night I had slept in my own bed over a week, and it still smelled nicely of him, and the memories started to flow. I couldn't get comfortable either because of all of these thoughts running through my head, I think that's why she asked if I was alright. I was moving about and shuffling around, making all sorts of noises I'm sure. Fussy, I was. I finally fell asleep though.

It was nice to have someone to lazy around with all day.
Tomorrow I go back to training, and it's so far beyond ridiculous I can't even explain the stupidity of it all and some of the people there. Oh. Save me, dear Jesus. Waking up at 7:00 a.m. Leaving Airdrie at 8:00 a.m. Arriving at the Rundle C-Train Station at 8:30 a.m. Hopping on C-Train, arriving at the 1st Street Station hopefully before 9:00 and wandering over to the YMCA Calgary Building until 4:00 p.m. Home by 5:00 p.m. Hopefully going out for coffee or something.

Oh, and I've quit smoking, today's been the first day, and I already miss them so. No need to smoke, no cravings, I just miss them. Disgusting habit, but... but... I liked it. Ah well, it's better that I quit now.

Apparently my Mom's supposed to be coming home tomorrow, which would be fantastic, because she's recovering well... but a very bad idea. My Dad and I aren't ready for her yet, and it's quite obvious she's not ready for us to be taking care of her yet either. So, concerns will be brought to the attention of the doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully she can stay there for another week. She's too fussy right now, and too weak. We also won't know what to do if something goes wrong. Robert, the nurse, also has a concern that he wants to present. So, hopefully she stays there for the next week. My Dad and I are ready to bite each others heads off, as well as hers.

I promise you that if you ever have to take care of or visit me in the hospital, I will not send you out on errands or ask you to bring me something. And if I do, and say you forget, I will not be upset. And I will not send you home for cheese to eat with the grapes you bought me in the morning, and even if I did, I would not be upset with you if you had forgot to bring it on your next visit in the evening. I would have never sent you for it at all. Haha. Oh, Mom, so fussy.

4:04 PM  ()

So, it's about time to pick up some fancy photographs. I'm excited to see them. I'm glad it's stopped snowing, I'm not as afraid as I was earlier to go into Calgary. I'm quite the paranoid one. I'll write something a little more meaningful tonight. And I'm so close to changing my layout again slightly, but that should be expected.

11:33 AM  ()

I love you, too. What do you call a sad cow?... heh...

March 15, 2003
8:16 PM  ()

My Mom's doing so well, it's so fantastic.

8:54 AM  ()

And how right he was, I'd forget and figure he was still in the next room. I woke up this morning all excited and ready to jump onto my bed to wake him up. I wanted to make him breakfast...

I called Meagan last night, but she was sleeping, and Kyla wasn't home. I had my Dad downstairs with me watching the television to keep me company, I didn't feel like being alone last night. But, I'm good now.

Morgan or Adam called my last night from Morgan's house. Verne Luchinski. I haven't seen that name on my Caller ID in about a year or two now. That was random. I came home late last night. I saw my Mom, she was totally out of it. I really don't like hospitals. She's very fussy and stoned. Keeps forgetting things and complaining. She's got this cute squeeky voice. She rolls her eyes at you and widens them when she has to repeat things, she looks so let down. Ha.

I'm talking to Danielle (Brodie) right now, and I'm feeling a bit shitty. I talk to her more than I talk to her brother, my best friend. I miss him. I haven't talked to him since I was in Ontario, and that blows. But you know, he could call me, he could e-mail me, he could write me a letter. I don't know, I guess I'm just frustrated. I feel sorry for them all right now though, their Great Nana died last night so I send my condolences their way. Sigh. But yeah, I'll talk to one of them, and tell them I'll call them the next day or on a certain day or a certain time... and it just doesn't happen. I either forget, give up, or end up remembering that I have to do something else that can't be put off. It's usually the third.

It's so early. I fell asleep early though. I'm still quite tired, but I'm wired. I'm awake. Supposed to quit smoking today, this weekend. Yup. Probably a good thing. Takes 7-10 years for my lungs to go back how they're supposed to be, apparently. That is if I don't derive any diseases before then. Anyway, I will give it my best shot. Don't try, just "do". And with saying that, I'll be off.

January 9th. Pfft. What a let down.
(I just looked behind me, there is a copious amount of used kleenex on the table, and I don't remember putting it there. Sick, must go clean now. Haha.)

Meagan: Call me today, sleepyhead.

March 14, 2003
10:40 AM  ()

The past week has been quite spectacular, and I miss him to no end already. A quick goodbye, and now I can't hold back the tears. Thank you for the note, thank you for your presence, thank you so much for coming and being with me. Thank you for you. I will see you again soon.

March 13, 2003
2:07 PM  ()

I don't even want to think about tomorrow morning, but alas it's going to happen no matter how hard I try to convince myself it might not. I'm going to miss him terribly, again, I already do. I'm at work right now, I suppose, training. I'm in some computer lab downtown Calgary. I went for lunch with my Dad, called Clifford and told him to let the dog out. Wow... that sounds, very... funny. Ha. Haha. And Azriel just embarassed himself. You know, I'm sorry, but this training program is so ridiculous it makes me want to fall over, pass out, and never wake up.

I was told I'm a very scary, but not scary scary person today. At first, the defences went up, but then I was told that their first impression of me (as with almost everyone else I've ever met) they felt as though they really needed to know what they were talking about and have their shit together before they said anything to anyone in front of or around me in order to keep me interested. I found this QUITE hilarious, and not surprising. It's true. And then I was told later that I was the reason the one guy was pacing so much, and that I have this aura around me and that I should see it because it's "absolutely amazing". Cool, I guess. Whatever. I'm amazing. I know that. Haha. No, actually, I don't know how to take any of that. I just find it humorous.

Bah. I want to go home now. I want to be with him now. Damnit. Damnit. Stupid. Training. I'll most likely have to go through another training program. This is useless.

Ah, I love him.

March 10, 2003
2:09 PM  ()

the juliana theory fucking suck. last night was such a disappointment. the kids smelt bad, bad vibes all over the place, overall just a bad show except for Hopesfall. I quite enjoyed them. mark was right, the lead singer from JT is... a tool. a complete tool. their new songs are shit. i can't get over that. we left early. i was actually embarassed to be there. oh well, banff was great. i thought i was going to die because cliff's this overly adventurous person and i thought he was going to throw me off the mountain. see, this is good for me, he adds excitement to my life. a lot. fantastic.

my mom went into the hospital this morning, and i really hope she's doing alright. agh. that's... ugh. it's so creepy. and i honestly... i really can't wait to leave this place. and clifford fixed my guitar and she sounds pretty now. i love it.

March 08, 2003
8:36 AM  ()

The most fantastic boy ever. But uh, I totally want my cigarettes right now and I'm scared of waking him up. Damn my leaving my cigarettes in there. My Mom's already getting food out of the freezer for when he wakes up. She likes him a lot. Haha, I kept him up a little too late last night, I think. So cute.

March 07, 2003
12:09 AM  ()

I know it's only 9 minutes into this day, but... but... but... come on, it's so fucking exciting.

March 06, 2003
4:27 PM  ()

my first telephone survey.
Ha, that was quite hilarious. The English man on the other end was awesome (it was all to do with the Assessment that I was part of, they wanted my opinion on it), so he asked me questions, and I answered them in full or on a scale. He was really impressed with my goals for myself, and he wished me luck at the end of the conversation and said "I hope to see your name in print some day." That was so awesome. I love it.

10:29 AM  ()

Tomorrow, tomorrow. I could run around in circles pretending I am the airplane. I'm excited like a child today. Tomorrow my heart will be racing.

I can't find my Mother.
"I can't find my hands.
Where are my hands?"

5:04 AM  ()

Look at the time. What is this? What is this? I really have to stop falling asleep on the couch. My back is in it's utmost pain right now, I even switched couches half asleep, couldn't get comfortable. My Dog's ignoring me, he's asleep, he won't come to my room when I call him. All for the better, I hate it when he sleeps with me. He gets too close to my legs, and I can't move them, it drives me insane. But if I don't let him in, he'll sit outside my door at some point and cry for the rest of the night. Morning. Whatever.

Tap water is really disgusting.

March 05, 2003
1:38 PM  ()

I love how they call your boys' sound "obnoxious rock and roll". Kick some ass tomorrow night. Give it up for The Stares. Even though she's not here with me now, imagine Meagan and I pretending we're cheerleaders with wigs and plastic guitars or something, jumpin' around. Fuck yeah. I totally want to make cookies right now.

10:27 AM  ()

Blizzard? Blizzardy? Blizzardying? "Appy polly loggies"? Ah, yes, I'm reading the book "A Clockwork Orange" again. I started last night. I'm totally going to start calling cigarettes "cancers". Anyway, it's snowing like crazy outside, in all directions... circles, even, right at eye level. Swirling like sand, so dry. And today I am a happy girl. No matter the weather. No matter the moods of my Mother. No matter how shitty I may look later on today. I am happy. Very. Happy.

(Gazing out window, watching snow fly up from underneath the stairs outside and making them invisable.) So, I'm assuming it won't be a very good day to drive. Anywhere. Wait, this isn't good. This isn't good at all. Hair. Ring. Eye Doctor. OH MY! The wind is creating snow... dunes. Shut up. It looks scary outside.

TWO MORE DAYS! 2. II.

March 04, 2003
11:03 PM  ()

I honestly can't stop laughing. She's a funny girl.

So much to do, so little time. Must go downtown and buy a new ring for my nostril, must get hair trimmed, must go to eye doctor appointment tomorrow. Must clean bedroom (honestly my dear, it's not pleasant), must finish filling out forms. And there's more.

But, I have a link of the day, or week even.
http://rae.lucky-stars.net/, Rachel's personal blog.

10:33 AM  ()

Would you look at the time, I slept in for the first time in almost two weeks. Somehow my sleep was refreshing. I became very paranoid before I fell asleep, again, felt like I wasn't going to wake up, I wasn't breathing properly. I fell asleep anyway. And I slept in. Awesome.

The Lysistrata Project was really good, and funny, hilarious even. Colleen and I had a good time. She found two boys she wanted to gawk at continuously all night. I told her they were all hers, seeing as they can't have me, they can have their second choice. Ha. Haha. We laughed over that. We went for coffee afterwards on 17th Ave (downtown Calgary) and ended up meeting a really crazy man with a wild story with a name we both can barely pronounce. He reminded me of Treseng a little bit in appearance, he still looked very young, but he wasn't. He's traveled a lot, experienced a lot, and had a lot to say to us. I liked it.

March 03, 2003
4:41 PM  ()

Tonight.

4:18 PM  ()

A little less whatever that was today. Kept calm by a meeting that went well. Waiting to hear the life on the other end. I've been awake (on and off) since 4:00 a.m. I was frustrated by this earlier this morning, and I must damn all female hormoanal tendencies now because I cried non-stop during a movie that wasn't even sad. Actually, I think it was the right eye crying only, it's been watering for weeks now. The doctor says it's overstrained. I have an appointment set up with the optomotrist, I think. So, I think I just let it flow because it felt good, it wasn't annoying and I didn't have to do anything about it. It was awesome. It waters far less when I have my glasses on, obviously. I also need to make an appointment for tomorrow night or the day after to have my hair trimmed. It's scraggly and dry right now, and we don't need to look like a complete scruff while the boy is here. Can't have that at all. And I'm continuously being told to clean my room for him, and make space in that closet in the bathroom for whatever he brings along with him. I will, I will. But I can't do that just yet, you see, Mother. Why? Because I'll get too excited and I won't be able to sleep at all. Four hours a night, so far, is keeping me going. Now, I can't see myself looking too healthy when I pick him up when I've been getting no hours whatsoever.

Finished "Bodily Harm", finally. Took me awhile. I was enjoying it. It depressed the hell out of me. And now I will focus more on this Burroughs biography. I let one of the waitresses at the diner borrow the book. I told her to ignore all the writing and the underlined sentences, it's a mess. She said she doesn't care, she said she'll find it interesting. She'll know how my mind works a little more, I suppose. I guess that's... no, that's not interesting at all. I feel sorry for her, now. Oh well, it's a good book. She'll like it. "I used to read Margaret Atwood in school! Holy shit, can I borrow that?" Hehe, you just swore.

Oh shit, I have to call Lisa.

March 02, 2003
3:55 PM  ()

single matches of the future

I smoked them all and I blew them all away.
I smoked them all, yeah, I blew them all away.
We traded off and took our turns,
and Kerouac said "Hello" to me without a smile.
Kerouac and I would hate each other.
James Dean and I would hate each other.
Ginsberg and I would hate each other.
William would, just, hate me.

I tucked the gun into my purse,
I tucked the book into my purse,
I tucked myself into my purse.
Dirty dying secret.
Dirty lying secret.
Tripping on the wires that lead to no objection,
to no perfection,
to no reflection.
Tripping on the wires that lead to the dirty dying, lying, crying.
Slip away, hidden in a pocket.
Any body's pocket.
Slip away.
Dying, lying, crying in no perfection, and no reflection.
Tucked away into a dirty dying secret.
Kerouac sat there and stared
the stare that beats all stares.
The stare of nothing but emptiness.
Blank, a white sheet of paper with no lines.

We are the blood and greed.
We are the roses and thorns.
We are the guns and powerful leaders.
We are the greed.
We are the greed.
We are the greed.

"Don't stress yourself out too much,"
but I do it on purpose, my friend.
I couldn't tell you why.
Maybe the patio ghosts put me up to it,
maybe it's not stress at all.
It's the stare of nothing but emptiness.
It's the man sitting in front of me,
laid back in the chair,
watching and coming to conclusions
like a scientist in a lab.
But he's not really there.

Jump, jump.
It's a game of hopscotch.
Wishin' I was there,
wishin' we was there,
wishin' free was there.
Take it up with the thief,
the thief up the isle.
Take it up with the thief,
the thief up in denial.
Left foot, right foot.
Jump, I said.

And we all shiver and shake like toys with dying batteries.
And we all grab a blanket when we are cold.
Pretend that there was something originally right and
scream, hollar, stomp my feet.

Now there's the question of "Why?"
No answers, no mathetmatical calculations,
no scientific inferences.
We've got no honest hypothesis,
and here I go.
Sounding two ways, listening for the flapping of incapable wings
and the wincing of tired minds.

I wrote a letter.
I wrote a letter to my future self.
Asked awful questions,
frightening questions and told her to reply.
Want her to write her story,
wondered if she'll remember mine.
Saddened by the fact that she may not want to,
saddened by the fact that she will exist,
saddened by the fact that I will have disappeared.
I asked her if she was dead.

Back to the question, are we?
Tucked myself into my purse.
Tripped on wires.
Looked up and saw a pretty face,
and I saw him smile.
Looked up and saw colours,
wild and swirling, just like in that painting.
Purples, whites, greens.
Made me a bit dizzy
but that's okay.
Everything's okay.
Kerouac declared himself his own God,
I declare myself my own Devil.

I am the super hero.
I am the villian.
Humans contain of sugar and burnt toast.
Earth is an ant hill.

Wars.
The war of two evils.
I don't agree with that.
That scares me.

And I asked her if she had any children.
I told her to take them to Disneyland.
We never went.
I told her to ride the Ferris Wheels and remember Dad.
Remember the hilarity of him gripping the sides
when we swung back and forth with a huge grin.

I freaked myself out, you know.
I scared myself.
Had to sit there for a few minutes to reclaim myself.
Gather my thoughts and place myself back in reality.
I didn't like that feeling.
I don't like this feeling.
I don't like this writing.

I smoked them all and I blew them all away.

9:57 AM  ()

Again, why am I awake?

(+ Velvet Underground, "Heroin")

Last night was ridiculous, and I woke up with a book on my face. I haven't been getting very refreshing sleep lately. It's most likely because I'm getting ansy, very edgy. Calgarypunk is half dead, everyone's packed up and left for Indecline (All Your Alberta Belong To Indecline). Random message mania, slow the servers, take Edmonton down with us. Juliana Theory/Snapcase/Hopesfall tickets bought. 3 of them. Meagan, Clifford, and myself. So excited. 5 days. 5. Five.

March 01, 2003
8:49 PM  ()

Stomach aches terribly. Just want to relax right now but I can't. Someone's on their way over here to drop off some forms. I'm not sure yet if I have to fill them all out (there's apparently a lot of them) while he's standing here tonight, or if I can finish them and drop them off tomorrow. So confused right now.

8:48 AM  ()

(+ Silverchair, "Dearest Helpless")

Right eye watering. Look at the time. Why am I awake? Yesterday. Now, that was a long journey in order to reclaim my discman. A boy named Ben told me I looked like Rose McGowan. I froze my fingers as I accepted the $8 dollars for every persons entry fee. Cory and I were sent on errands, him and I got along pretty well. We have the same views on things, and it was quite surprising. I haven't talked to or seen Cory in so long. Phil had cherry flavoured cigarettes from Montreal, he also had a new girlfriend who's two years younger than I am. I finally got home and couldn't wait to fall asleep, I watched a bit of "The Hole" on television and fell asleep in the most awkward and uncomfortable position, woke up the same way. Early.

And now. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Again. I'm still extremely confused over yesterday. So spontaneous. So quick. So... "What?"