7:36 AM  ()

'i could dream all day.'

So, I called and figured it wouldn't hurt just to ask if I came in at 9 or 10, and they were upset with me. "You didn't write it down?" Uh, no. I didn't. "Why not?" Because I don't usually forget to check it, look, I know I work, I just don't know if it's 9 or 10. "It's 10." Alright, thanks. "Next time you're coming in to look at it." Yeah, right. That's exactly what I'll do.

Actually, it's not.
I kind of live on that schedule day to day. I should write it down, and that way I can also know when to make plans, but I won't. Not with this one. Le sigh. I wonder if they have next week's schedule up. That's something that drives me nuts. The schedule is only made for one week. I don't like that, I don't like that at all. I'm used to schedules being prepared for two weeks. Everything seems so organized and not so rushed with a two week schedule. With a 1 week schedule I feel like some sort of bird with it's head cut off.

I still haven't recieved that electronic itinerary quite yet. I'll have to give them a call and let them hear my fist slam down on the table. Or, I'll just ask them to re-send it.

May 29, 2003
8:30 PM  ()

What a boring day. I am absolutely freezing, and it's so warm outside. I don't know what time I work tomorrow, so I'll just show up at 9. I'd call and ask, but they kind of don't allow that. Fuck, and I was just there. What is with me today? So pale, so ill appearing, and so moody.

2:40 AM  ()

Tonight was spent mostly with Kirby, Chad (Nasty On's Drummer) and a boy named Christian who is a year older than me. What a great night. Guitarist from Honeysuckle Serontina was hitting on me and gave me a free demo cd, it was actually quite disturbing. Kirby and I both agreed that his lips were a little too feminine. Great guy, otherwise, when you look past the whole trying to pick me up and being way too entirely sweet to me. I had such a great night. Wandered up to Badass on 17th, others had coffee and something to eat and I had a drink, of course. I have to work at 9 in the morning. I should probably go to sleep now. Nasty On is absolutely amazing, so lively and they kept me going. I love it. I ended up telling the lead singer, Jason ( i think), a lot about my Mother. We joked about the fact that I was the queen of useless information. What a great night.

May 28, 2003
4:01 PM  ()

Pavement // 'who was it that said the world was mania, divorces, and spare change? let's lethalize our slingshots and swallow propane. you are the light that come in the day. you are the light that come in the day.'

So, if anyone ever decided to publish my journals (my written ones) the first entry would say just this: "I made a new friend today. Her name is Britney." Also known as: BRATNEY RASH, a girl I learned to despise not even two weeks later. You'd find that written in a very tiny diary with a painted gold lock that never worked once for all the years that I had it. That exact diary can be found in my "Heart Shaped Box" where I keep all sorts of, what other people would consider, meaningless things. Every object or piece of paper in there has a small or long story that goes along with it. I don't use it anymore because it's a little too full. I'll have to start using something else now, won't I? Maybe that blue trunk that used to belong to my Dad could be used for all the random shit I've kept over the years. Honestly, every single thing I have kept, every single something that's overflowing out of my dresser drawers has a story behind it. I have 4 drawers for clothing, only two of them are used. I have 6 other drawers in my room. 8 drawers are overflowing with papers and random anythings that I've kept since I moved here, and since before I moved here. I'd like to say since I was about 10 or 11 years old but I have other things from far before then.

'watch out for the gypsie children in electric dresses, they're insane. i hear they live in crematoriums and smoke your remains. you are the light that come in the day. you are the light that come in the day.'

Alinka and I met on a swingset in the park behind my house on Maddock Way. She lived across the street from me, she just moved in. Her real name was/is Alina. Her brother, Bogush, never talked much. She called him "Bo" and her parents made fantastic Polish food. Lukian (or Luke) and his brother, Sydney, lived to the right of my house and they were also Polish. Alinka and Luke were sort of an item for years. Lukian is now dating my cousin Crystal who is 2 years older than him. I remember playing guns with that boy up in his treehouse. We'd shoot at Bruce when he couldn't see us. Bruce was such a shy and young boy, the youngest of all of us. His parents always kept an eye on him, we could never do anything bad or we'd get caught. Bruce's Dad (also a Bruce) asked my Dad if we could breed my dog (who was 3 at the time) with his brand new darling girl of a dog. Chico was not interested. Is it possible for a dog to be homosexual? Mind you, he couldn't be, he tried to do his own Mother when he saw her for the first time since he left her. Nicky was never interested in girl dogs either. Nicky was a cross-dresser, according to myself. I would dress him up in all those corny doll clothes my relatives had bought me. I'd even pretend he was pregnant sometimes. I'd put him in a stroller and walk him around the house. He let me do far too much traumatizing things to him when we were young. I was five. He was three. I don't remember first seeing him, but I have pictures. I recieved Nicholas James as a birthday present just for 2 years of survival. What a great birthday present. He died two years ago just before Christmas. Actually, he was put down without my being told about it. He was my favourite. I dream about him occassionally. In the dream he jumps up on the bed in the dark, you know exactly what he's doing. He's wondering if he's woken you up. Then he'll sit and wait for a moment. You know exactly what he wants. I lift up the cover with my arm and he jumps onto the pillow and shoots under the blankets. I wonder if he had poor circulation like I do, he was always cold and wanting under the covers. I'd always lay on my side for him so he could curl up to my stomach. So, I do that in the dream, and we fall asleep. And then I wake up for the morning. He had big brown eyes, and I remember dressing him up as a french-man. On Maddock way we waited on the couch looking out the window at the pouring rain and scoping out cars. Which one is Aunt Mary's and Uncle Terry's, Nick? Can you see them? He'd lay down and I'd keep a watch out. Nicky was Alinka's favourite. Nicky was everyone's favourite. Chico's more of a little annoying brother, him and I never really get affectionate towards one another unless my Dad's not home or if he's stuck in the basement for the night and he's just had a bath and smells all nice. I only like him when he's relaxed, Nicky was always relaxed and very slow. Chico's jumpy and really fucking creepy sometimes. He's scared of thunder. Nicky was never scared of thunder. He'd sit out front with me at Maddock and he wouldn't budge. He'd gaze at the car across the street and I'd gaze into the sky waiting for the lightning to brighten everything up for less than a second. Chico made an exception once. The power was out, we had just moved to this town, and the rain was warm. He came with me for a walk, we walked down the middles of all the Woodside streets I could find. He had no leash, no collar, he followed me. We were soaked from head to toe, and he was off sniffing lawns and I was enjoying the fact that I was the only one outside. It was like the world had been abandoned. Every house was dark, not one car was seen for the duration of our adventure, there was not a soul in sight. I saw no candles lit, I was the only one who existed that night, and he was with me. Nicky was too sick to come with us, plus, he's terrified of getting wet. We sat outside, but always somewhere where it was impossible to get drenched. Or, he would, and I would go run about on the front lawn. I could say it's sad that my only steady friend throughout my childhood was my own dog, but it's not sad. I wouldn't give up nights like even if I was threatened that the world would cease to exist if I did not. Never. Although he couldn't say anything, he would always know when I was crying, and he'd push open the door with his nose, my Mom would stand up from the edge of the bed and I'd throw my arms out reaching for him. He'd jump up on the bed, my Mom would leave and close the door, and him and I would fall asleep together. What a fucking awesome dog. He almost always knew when I was upset. I remember I accidentally kicked him, he yelped, and I burst into tears because I was devastated that I had hurt him. My parents weren't home, I was about twelve years old. He stood there staring at me in a way that I could have sworn was a look of heartbreak. I fell and I kept apologizing, he made his way over to me and started licking the back of my hand. Christ, I loved that dog. Alinka and I both loved that dog. When she finally got her dog, Lucky, she was killed not even a few months later. Poisoned. And then her house was robbed. And then Tyler's house was robbed (her neighbor's neighbor). And I remember when John just disappeared. And I remember how much we hated Warren's little brother and we'd always make him be "it" when we played Grounders. That was just the rules. I can't even remember his name. Apparently Mike Green is fat now, according to him. He's off playing Hockey somewhere in Saskatchewan. That was always his dream. He's training for the NHL or something along the lines there of. He's going to make it, either way. I hope he does, at least. His Mom never liked me. Mike and I were always 'too young' to go over to one anothers houses. So, I'd go there to work on Social homework when we had projects together. He'd come to my house for the 'same thing'. My Mom would take us out for dinner and we'd all rent a movie. I remember we had to call her in order to ask her if he could watch "Interview with a Vampire" in Grade 4 on my Birthday. Understandable because there are so many bare breasts in the movie. He's always been a strange kid. And Christopher Dutton, what a crazy boy. His parents came into the store the other day, I saw Chris' graduation picture. He's never changed in looks, he's just aged. The first time I met him he had a broken arm in grade 1. Heh, oh dear. Grade 2 consisted of him trying to kiss me all the time and my slamming my head against a brick wall trying to get the hell away from him. Apparently we were getting married. My parents took us out for dinner and he stated that it was a PROPER DATE, and he opened the car door for me. He was wearing a little tuxedo, and I was probably wearing pink shorts and a dirty t-shirt.

'Oh, I have to die on Sunday.'

I am your sins and unexplainable desires.
I am the shivers shooting up your spine.
I am sex, I am real.
I am your itch.
And the music slightly fades and an overwhelming sense of direction hits me hard.
I'm walking your way, Gemini.

'Gotta roam, 'cause I am the isolator.'

8:46 AM  ()

I should be straightening my hair, and I should be putting my work clothes through the wrinkle release cycle in the dryer. My work clothes have not been washed in the past three days because I'm a big idiot and totally forgot about them. I will have to wear the first shirt I bought for this job and was told not to wear because it was "too short" when it's obviously not too short. It covers all the essentials, and does not bare my lower back. Unless I can find another one of my Dad's white golf shirts. Yeah, that's right. I get to wear golf shirts to work. How exciting is that? I've had a hard time waking up this morning. My shower was less than relaxing. Everything was more of a nuisance. Ah, I'll get to work and I'll be fine as long as I have my morning Sprite. I'm totally laying off of the coffee for a while. The gash I have on my finger is trying to heal now, it looks like a dark red Nike logo (the check mark).
Kat's definitely made my morning by sending me that e-mail stating the famous words of Clifford while he was introducing a song they came up with that I had written lyrics for. The funniest part about it is the part he didn't tell me about. And he calls me a dork? Too hilarious.

And my parents are off to the hospital again this morning, they've been doing that a lot lately. My Mom's having more and more tests done every week and she is most definitely going through radiation, now, from what I know of. We're not sure about the chemotherapy quite yet. Hm. I'm still in my bath robe and sitting here with a towel on my head. I have to work in an hour and fifteen minutes. I'm out of here.

May 27, 2003
11:28 PM  ()

Alright, lack of updates, I know. Well, not really, but it has been two days and I think that's a pretty drastic change seeing as I usually post two or three, or four/five times a day.

Yesterday was spent with Jenn in Calgary. We went 'shopping' at Chinook Centre, where she spent $300 and I spent $40 (I'm a big spender, I bought a book, a new piece of jewlery *the most costly of all items*, and some food). And then we decided to go in the "Just for Lovers" sex store and find some sort of wild card game for her and her boyfriend while they're camping. Oh, it was too hilarious. We had a great time. And today was spent cleaning the car, talking and taking photographs with Kyla (and of course chainsmoking), and booking a ticket to ONTARIO. Finally! For those Ontario kids: July 10th to the 22nd. Rock the fuck on, 'n shit.

I'm excited. x Three.
I can't even begin to describe.

Alright, this wasn't much of an update but I really don't have that much to say anymore. Other than the book I am reading (A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving) is actually quite good so far.

May 25, 2003
11:23 PM  ()

Jenna found this in her local paper. Ha.

10:22 PM  ()

rock ottawa hard, boys.
And I'm listening to 'Venus In Furs', going into a bit of a daze. This will always be my space-out song, gives me 5 minutes to fade out and just float for a while. "A thousand dreams that would awake me. Different colours made of tears." Great.

So, they're off to Ottawa. I just realized if I had worked out there already and had the days off that I do now, I could have forced them to take me with them. Ha. Oh, how I wish. (Ha, Jeff just sent me a picture of the sunburn he has and it's a wicked bad sunburn that he seems to be quite proud of. Ha, Jeff, you are too hilarious. We should go see a movie soon or something, haven't seen you in a while.) Anyhow, I hope they rock Ottawa like they should. Good luck, boys.

I was up for 25 hours, I finally went to sleep around 9:00 when I got home this morning. I slept until 4:00 in the afternoon. Not as long as I would have liked, but at least I'll be able to get to sleep easily tonight. I can't wait until my eyelids get too heavy and I can just drift off into some weird dream that I'll most likely end up having due to the heat we've been having lately. I'll end up kicking the blanket off tonight, I'm sure.

Lately, I'll be driving down a road and I'll feel as though I'm in Ontario, or should be. Driving somewhere to meet someone, and I always expect that person to be at my house when I get there. Whether it be Clifford, Kat, Mary, Aaron, or anyone. I'm going to see Keith tomorrow morning at some point before I do my house cleaning to let him know I'm going to be taking a week and a half off before he puts me on the full 40 hours. I'm taking it off no matter what, he knows what I'm like with this Ontario business. He's got a lot of school kids working there this summer anyhow, he should be fine. I just have to find a flight that will be under $600 and I'll be fine. After I talk to Keith and get the 'a-okay' I'll start looking for flights. Oh, God, I miss him to no end. Tonight, after recieving his e-mail this morning, I've been thinking so much and I've actually started to ache all over for him. It was good to hear his voice before he left though. Early, but nice. I like waking up to his voice. I can't wait to know he's just in the next room. Blankets and sheets changed numerous times since he left, cleaned and smelling of detergent, but yet I can still feel his presence there. I wake up some mornings expecting to throw my arm over him when I stretch, or ready to pull a joke and push him out of the bed with my feet. Always ready, but of course I sort of giggle to myself, feel a bit stupid, and then pull myself out of bed. Ha, funny. I found a picture the other night in a ginormous envelope that I was supposed to send back to him, and I haven't gotten around to it yet. I thought I had, but I obviously didn't. In messy printing on the back it says "I need you to send this back to me!" I remember recieving that. I remember everything. Someone told me I remember too much, I can't remember who it was, but in all honesty I don't. I'd rather remember everything than having to piece moments together. Everything else, though, I'm quite forgetful with.

Interesting news from a friend tonight. Made me smile a lot. Unexpected but totally awesome. Thumbs up and a rock on. That's too cool.

Ah, and our song is playing. You probably don't even know which one it is, but this song is the first song I listened to that made me think of you before I even laid eyes on you. And it's strange how it's stuck with me.

I better be able to go out on June 17th, I have to go see Moneen or else I'll strangle whoever I'm working with that night. Ah, it's easy to switch shifts. Plus, I'm the person everyone calls. I always end up working overtime at the gas-station. Time & a half, baby. But yeah, before he puts me on the 40 hours I must let him know that I want a week and a half to two weeks before he starts me up. I won't have any spending money, well, I'm sure I'll have a few dollars to spend here and there, but I don't need it much. I just want to see him and everyone. Fuck, it's amazing how attached you can get to a small city.

Runnin' around, robbin' banks, all whacked on the scooby snacks. I won't forget this song either. Will forever remind me of my 18th birthday. I'm sure of it. I'm in a Doors mood. Oh, totally.

May 24, 2003
5:39 PM  ()

this is a simple story of murder.
I'm wearing shorts, and a yellow fake Brazil tourist t-shirt. It's so freakin' hot outside. I love it. But, alas, it's supposed to rain and become cold again by the end of this weekend. Thunderstorms, they say. I love thunderstorms, I love lightening more. I love power-outs. I love walking around in warm rain when the power's out. I also love making fun of my 'sweater' dog.

May 23, 2003
9:17 PM  ()

"Moneen will be in Calgary on June 17. 18+ show at the Liberty Lounge, with Selfmademan (Montreal) and Counterfit (San Diego). Tickets are $8 ADV/ $10 Door." SO EXCITED.

8:36 PM  ()

And everyone's starting to set up their summer furniture in their backyards. The only reason I am able to observe this is because I live on a golf course and that sort of thing is everyones business.

It's been warm today. Air conditioning in the car was on full blast. I was ID'd today at dinner (my parents took me to the Sheraton pub, "Henry's") and she said, "I don't think you're old enough to be in here." I laughed at her. I felt so bad afterwards, but I laughed at her. So, she said it again and I replied with a snotty "did you even look at the date of birth on there?" She looked embarassed and quite upset with me (this is when we know we're going to get bad service the entire duration of our stay, or at least I was... which ended up being so) after that and she returned my drivers license back between my fingers. It was quite funny. I've become quite cocky. The thing is, my drivers license picture looks absolutely nothing like me anymore. I'm wearing my first pair of glasses (I'm on my third), my hair's black and messy, and my face looks quite round in it. Facial features are the same, but it's made a lot of people uneasy. But the 'natural color of hair' and all that insanity is listed on the thing so they end up looking at that. I should get a new photo taken, I really should. People end up having to handle my ID for longer than they should. It makes me uncomfortable. Strangers touching my things like that, staring at the picture and then at me. I end up feeling violated by the end of the procedure as they wave me on past them or nod their head and ask me what I would like to drink. It makes me nervous, and it shouldn't. I was never nervous walking into a bar before I was eighteen, and I was never ID'd. I guess I just got lucky.

Working tomorrow at 9 a.m. Off at 3:00. I was supposed to call Craig tonight and let him know we can get together on Sunday evening. Him and Ash want to hang out, so I better put that together right away. I've been putting it off due to my working and just not having time and well, completely forgetting. I miss them, they're weird. And tomorrow night is all planned out. I'm heading over to my 'big bro' Kirby's household and babysitting his darling Chance. Apparently he will be sleeping by the time I get there and all I'll have to do is watch movies and play videogames (oh, man, that's going to be the best part!). So awesome. I'm not charging him. First off, I'd feel bad, and second, he needs a good night out I'm sure. And it's me, I don't want him to have to be worrying about paying me of all people. A favour to him, it's all good. Plus, he's taking me to Nasty On on Wednesday night. Oh, I better have that night off or I'll flip out and go crazy on people. And then ask someone to switch shifts with me.

I told old Keith today at Short Stop (yes, old Keith, not the manager) that I was starting again on june 14th. He got all excited. It was quite funny. And I'm getting dizzy. I feel like I'm falling forward, or... the computers slowly rolling underneath me. Or maybe I've slipped into some sort of state where I can feel the earth turning. Yeah, right, that would be too cool.

I really need to start reading another book. I think I'll start reading "The Catcher In The Rye" again. I haven't read it in a while, and it's quite a well written book. Keeps me interested. Okay, this feeling of falling forward is just freaking me out. Lack of sleep, I think. I'm overtired. I have to leave the computer now, I feel as though I'm going to vomit any second.

9:27 AM  ()

I called in sick for work today. I'm taking my Mom into Calgary to meet up with my Aunt Kathleen for lunch. I have to dye her hair first.

May 22, 2003
6:18 PM  ()

The wind outside isn't very strong, but it's still somehow making my house creak. Sounds like old barn doors. And I really couldn't tell you what I'm doing with my layout, but I think I may calm down with that just a bit. It's white again, and stuff. Neat, huh? It's better than that design I was using beforehand. That's all that matters.

Yesterday:
I saw a small fire, today, while I was driving past the airport. It was neat. Remember when the old Dairy Queen burned down? And people sat on their rooftops to watch? I do. I remember the power going out while I was in the basement and deathly afraid of the dark. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs and my heart beating at such a barely possible fast rate. I remember you, Dad, becoming the hero of the night by rescuing me from all the fears I had created within those five minutes. I remember walking over with you to stand in the street just to watch that building burn to the ground. Although there were many standing with us and around us, it felt like it was just you and I. You did that for me today, Dad. It was just you and me in a crowd of people, just our voices, and you lifted me up (metaphorically, now, of course) so high just so that I could see things for myself. You really are fantastic Dad, but you show it very rarely. I guess that makes it all mean that much more, right? It does.
_
I think I'll go visit Keith again tomorrow morning to let him know I'm putting in my two weeks right away. I think he wanted me to call him tonight, but that was for something else. And that's all been figured out. But, I'll stop by there tonight anyhow to grab his cell phone number. Ah, the pointlessness of writing that on here. I love it.

I'm supposed to become a bird watcher.

2:56 PM  ()

I start, again, at the gas station on June 14th.

8:41 AM  ()

Is today going to be a bad day? By the looks of the weather, yes. Is today going to be busy at work? Oh, I hope not, or I'll flip out ten times inside my head and I don't think I'll be very sane afterwards.

May 21, 2003
4:53 PM  ()

I've set a meeting tomorrow morning with Keith (my old manager) and I'm going to talk to him about coming back. Yeah, I'm going back to the gas station. Not something I love, but it's going to get me the money. I was being paid very well there and working there will most definitely get me out of here when I plan to leave, if not, sooner. I am pleased. But I am also sad. It's going to be very hard trying to explain to Leslie and Nicki that they no longer (if Keith and I come up with something) need to bother training me to waitress. I'm going to do this right. I'm not leaving there with a broken bridge, I don't need that right now. I called Keith while I was having lunch with my Dad and asked him how long he was in for the day, he was just leaving, so we came up with my coming in tomorrow morning to talk to him. "Can I help you with anything right now, Heather?" Well, I'm just wondering if you're hiring full-time. "Ah, I was just thinking about that outside when I was told it was you calling. I'm not sure, but soon, we'll talk about it tomorrow morning. You know you're at the top of the list, Heather." Heh, alright, Keith. Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. "You betchya. Take care." Ah, what a drunkard.

Anyway, there. I'm calm now. I'm not smoking three times as many cigarettes. I've had a bath. I'm relaxed. Tomorrow morning will be unusual. It's going to be very strange.

Today's been quite eventful. Although my Dad provoked me to answer all my own questions in his little Father like way, he helped me a lot today. He helped me get my shit together.

I'm also going to start paying rent. $500 a month. (I'll be handing them a lot more than that, guaranteed, but this way there's a for sure chance of me leaving here with the amount of money I set for myself.) They're putting it away for me (as soon as I get this other job, or another job that pays reasonably) but it's not just a "cover" for their putting it away for me. I'm actually paying rent, and I have to treat this place like it's their home rather than just my own. I'm a messy person, I admit. I'm an extremely messy person, and I'd really like to get that sorted out. Heh. Very careless when it comes to my own things, but when I'm somewhere else I'm quite good with it. Ah, either way, it's all going to turn out well in the end.

I am relieved.

1:50 AM  ()

"I'm certainly gonna miss you when you're gone, babe."
My Mom just said this to me not even 5 minutes ago. I'm almost in tears, but not because of that. Just because right now, right at this very moment and with the job I am currently working, I am royally screwed. I am not getting paid enough. I've got shit all for money, and as soon as I spend money on this visit (that they may not even allow me to have) I will be right back at 'zero'. I don't want to quit, I love the people, and I love the job, but 4 hour shifts? Sometimes 5 hours. Being paid $5.90 an hour, and making very little on tip-out? Yeah, sure, I'll make more money when I'm waitressing but at this specific restaurant, it will not be enough. If I stay there I will not be able to do what I want to do, and if I don't end up doing this by the time I have chosen then I will most likely lose faith in myself. The only solution I can come up with right now is something unrealistic. Moving out there, staying with someone (anyone) I know (and paying room & board as soon as I can) and searching for a job right away. Staying with someone who will kind of shelter me as I get my feet on the ground. That isn't going to happen. That's a dream right there. I'm fucked. I'm royally fucked. "Alright, Heather, I'm going to bed now. But, I'm going to try to think up a few things for you. We'll figure something out." Mom, you're great.

If I quit the job I have now I will not be forgiven by the girls there. It's good that I care so much about not upsetting people that I care about but it's also a very bad thing. My Mom's right. "This is your life, their feelings shouldn't be your first priority. You come first, you need to do what you have to do in order to support yourself." I know that. I freakin' know that, but I .. I just don't know what the hell to do with myself right now.

Clifford says, "less talk, more action", and he's right. He's definitely right. But after talking to Nicki tonight and her telling me that there's no possible way for me to get two weeks off at any time because I haven't been working there for a year, and that I 'may' (it's not gauranteed, at all) be able to have 6 days off (at the worst possible time) in order to go down there. And again, I will be left with 'zero' as soon as I get back and I'll have to start all over again. Fuck, fuck. I fucked up. "You should have stayed with that Assistant Court Liaison internship, Heather." No, I shouldn't have. They were just as disorganized as the place I am working at now, and I would not have been happy. I am quite happy where I'm working now, I love the people, I love the interaction, I love being there, and I love puttering about as this "hostess" character. But I am not making enough money for it. I'd be making more money at the gas-station for christ's sake. I was making close to $600 a pay-cheque there, and I was working part-time (mind you, they had me working basically full-time hours). Someone give me a clue, here. I'm lost. I've stuck myself in another rut. But I haven't hit rock bottom. There's a solution, there's many, I just have to figure out the best one for me.

Yeah, baby, I asked her if I could take two weeks off. She looked at me and said, "not a chance." How discouraging is that? And she tells me that they're quite good with giving time off. Bullshit. Pure bullshit. I love most of the girls there to death, but if they're all walking around with their heads so far up their asses and ignoring the fact that I am working there in order to gain experience and make money to get myself out there and start living the life I want to live, then I have to get out of there. I understand that I'm just an employee, but I could use a little fucking help here. I'm not a child, and I'm not talking out of my ass when I say 'this is what I want'.

This is my problem. This is what's depressing me. I might as well admit now that I'm a highschool drop out and I'm destined to work a shit job like that? Uh, no. I am not going to let that happen, and now I just need to figure a way out of it. Diploma will come within time, don't get me wrong there, I will finish school somehow... and I know that should be my top priority but hey, you know what? No. It's not. I want my next life, I want my new life, I want to be somewhere where I will be happy and calm. I want to be with him for longer than 10 days (or 6, seeing as that's all they're planning on giving me now). I want to feel at home, I want to get the hell out of here.

I just need people to understand this. I need support. I'm not being naiive here, I'm being serious. I have never been so serious about anything before in my life, I have never been so damn determined.

I'm, honestly, really quite screwed right now. I'll find a way out of it, but I need to do it fast. Because it's come to the point where I have to act now, I have to start making plans, letting people know that this is going to happen. Finding a place, setting dates, MAKING A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF MONEY (not fucking $5.90 an hour). I'm getting $175.00 pay-cheques (or less) every pay-day so far. Do you know how disheartening that is when you're trying to build yourself up financially to a point where you can survive a move and a search for a job in a place you're not very familiar with? I'm not blaming anyone but myself, because I'm the one who needs to get the guts to throw all of this in their face. Either help me out (give me more hours, and get me waitressing as soon as possible) or I'm getting the hell out of here. This is insane. This is completely insane. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard right now, the most that I can right now. I'll figure something out. I always do. This (job/wage) is just so depressing, and so disappointing. I can't even bring myself to properly cry over it, it's too pathetic.

I wonder how many of you didn't take me seriously as you read all of that. Well, to those who didn't, my middle fingers are raised and facing your direction. Goodnight.

May 20, 2003
3:54 PM  ()

I have the day off tomorrow. I have the day off tomorrow. If I'm not being bitchy (like I have been all week) then I would like for Mom and I to go into Calgary, get some quality time together down on 17th. Also on another condition: (first, my not being crabby) The weather. If it's looking like it's going to rain all day then I would prefer not to go. Grey days make for miserable moods with the Mother and I. Does not go over well.

Things at work are a bit messed up. Kris didn't show up for her shift, and I would much prefer to be hostessing tonight but I'm not. Trina, a new girl, will be doing that. On the plus side, I'll be helping Jenn serve food and what not. And then Colleen will be coming on, I'll be closing with her. (I'm not very excited about that.)

Just drank two cups of coffee, and now I'm home to get ready for work. I'm wired already. She's left my cup sitting on the table. All ready for me. I need to have a good night. I need to get in good spirits. I'm fed up of this grumpy stage I've just gone through. It'll happen again, I'm sure, but I just want out of it now. It's no fun, I'm just being lazy and gaining weight. That's not meant to sound like I'm just sitting around on my ass, and I'm not 'getting fat' (I've had many people say to me 'you're not fat' after I say such a thing, that's not what I mean at all). I eat, I sleep, I work. And I need to get out of this routine for a while. It's depressing.

Oh, and I need more money.
So greedy, Heather. So greedy.
Oh, I know. It's nice, isn't it?

9:56 AM  ()

I need my Franz Kafka, "Metamorphosis", book back. Actually, I just want it back. I'm kind of missing it. I'd like to read that again. So, I asked Kyla to grab that the next time she sees Lauryn. Hopefully it still exists somewhere. I'll be heart broken if it's not. I've never lost a book, ever.

This is one awful layout, but there's not much I can do right now. I can't figure anything out. I used Brendan's advice and checked out Blogskins and this is the only temporary skin I found that I might like. I wish I knew everything about absolute positioning. I will, one day. I will make it there.

Mom's took off somewhere with Joan & George. She was whining at me earlier this morning. I woke up to the sound of some man's voice, it sounded more of a fucking shrill than a male talking, or a Nancy Spungen. Oh, it was that bad. It was all in another language, too, so my not understanding it made it even worse. I yelled at the television, and then of course Mom knew I was up. She came downstairs to ask me for Clifford's address. I suppose she's sending those pictures now. Honestly, they're not very good. She was excited about that. I can never remember the last three numbers/letters of his postal code. It drives me insane. I believe his address is the only address I have stuck in my head. I remember being asked millions x three questions at the RCMP office about myself and then they asked for the telephone number and addresses of my friends. Well, see, I only have/had one friend in this town that I stuck with at this time. I couldn't remember her number, I didn't have it memorized. So, he asked me for her address. I laughed, again, and told him I didn't know her address. What? She just lives around the corner, I don't need to know her address. As long as I know how to get to a place, I don't need to know anything else. I'm set from there. So lame, Heather. Lame.

So, I work in the evening tonight. How... spectacular. I hope I'm working with Jenn, again, this way I can do the clean-up and everything with her again. 'The waitress duties', & shit. I'm a little nervous about starting to serve, and only about one thing. Memorizing the menu. I don't think it's going to be much of a problem afterwards or during, but if I piss those people off in the kitchen by ringing in a wrong order (which I won't do, I'll make sure to ask questions if I don't know what I'm doing). Sending back an order that isn't accurate results in many screams and anger flying towards moi. Not a good thing.

My life sounds pathetic, I know.
There's one part of it that's not. I quite like that part.

May 19, 2003
11:14 PM  ()

And I remember the first time I couldn't get you off of my mind while smoking a cigarette outside. I was on a friend's front porch, the other two were still in the basement. I had just recieved a picture from you, and I was bragging on and on about how great you were and how good you were to me. How close we were getting, and I went outside to tend the craving. The wind blew past me cold and fierce, I bet, but I didn't even notice it. I sat there, warm and contented, staring into the black of the sky trying to pick out the stars.

And I remember the first night I layed there in my bed listening to music without being capable of keeping you out of mind. I was listening to Radiohead, "You", and I'd keep wondering what you would be like, what you would be like to touch and to see.

9:42 PM  ()

I can stay up late tonight. This is exciting. I need to talk to Angie. This is driving me up the freakin' wall. So hard to get her to sit down. Anyhow, nice evening spent with Kyla. What a fantastic girl. Pizza, too many cigarettes, and her red room with that awesome James Dean calander. Fabulous. I love her room. I think I'll be highly unoriginal and copy the entire thing when I move out and have my own place (whenever that will be).

Parents want me to watch "The Banger Sisters", so... I will. Because I have nothing else to do, unless there's something else cheesy but good on one of those 4 movie channels I have. Oh, how I love them. I watched this crazy movie this morning before I went to work, quite pathetic actually. A woman sleeps with this man... nevermind.

Haven't talked to Meagan in a while. Not cool. I would call her but it's quarter to ten and... I'm being summoned by my Mom.

8:06 AM  ()

Showered & cleaned up, but still too lazy to straighten hair and all that good stuff. I just really don't feel like working today. I really don't feel like doing a lot of things today. Oh, which reminds me. This is something I wouldn't mind getting up for: Kyla, I'm scheduled until 2 p.m. so that means I should be out of there around 3-4 p.m. I'll give you a call, and depending if my parents are home or not (I need gas in the car, badly, and I need my Mom's AMEX card in order to go get that. But yes, I will try to come into Calgary this evening to visit. I'll call you first, of course. Check if it's all alright.

I heard my alarm this morning and shot straight up out of bed, and pretty much bolted for the shower. It was the weirdest thing.

Spoke with Clifford last night, kept him up late and also kept whining for him not to hang up yet. Ah, that boy. What is it about that boy? Everything. Absolutely everything. I must see him soon. I have to.

Meagan's back from her camping trip. I'll have to find out how that went, apparently it snowed (ha!). We have this new cereal upstairs. I think I'll go pay more attention to that rather than this.

May 18, 2003
10:27 PM  ()

Buh. Working an evening shift knowing you have to work a morning shift the next day is not fun. My alarm is set for 7:30 in order to give me time to shower and straighten my hair, and then I should be able to leave her at 9:30 or 9:45 in order to be on time for my hostess shift which starts at 10:00 in the a.m. I don't know why I share all this pointless information with the online folk. Oh, yes, I do. It's because I have nothing interesting to write about anymore! Well, I do, but a lot of that stuff stays in the written journal. Far too personal for you girls to read. I like keeping some of my secrets.

I love how I refer to my male & female audience as "girls".

2:17 PM  ()

Spoke with his Mom this morning when I woke up, she's great. She kept asking me when I was going to come out there, if I had any dates set up. Now, I really have to sit one of those girls down and beg for a two week break. She was telling me the weather over there in Ontario is absolutely gorgeous. Oh, how jealous I was when she told me that. It looks so gross outside, yet again, today. It's kind of warm, but grey and windy. Just gross. I'm fed up of it. Heh.

Didn't get to leave the bar last night until after closing time. Sasha (bartender and manager) drove me home which was so kind of her. Jody was just hammered, it was quite hilarious. We had pretty much the same amount of alcohol and well, she was just gone. I woke up this morning and my parents (who came with me for a while, they watched Jody and I sing Kereoke *shut up, I will get into that later*) asked me how my head was. I let them know it was perfectly fine, and my Mom's jaw drops. "Jesus! My daughter sure knows how to throw booze back!" Yeah, if so, Mom, that's not a good thing. But I am quite aware of my limit, and I didn't really cross it at all. Which... is sick, but true.

Kereoke. Right. Yeah, if you sang, you got a coupon for a $1.00 shooter. Jody and I went up there about 6 times. We both pretty much just stood there staring at the screen. We sang a Green Day song, an Avril Lavigne song (which a bunch of drunk women joined us... or danced for us.. during.. quite hilarious), we were going to pick some childrens songs but we decided against that. What else did we sing? Oh yeah, "Dancing Queen", Alannis Morrisette or however you want to spell her name ("Head over Feet"). Alright, the most hilarious thing was: I have a deep voice, I can't go very high.. at all... for a girl when singing. Jody's voice is so damn high her and I both started to sound like chipmunks. It was too funny. So, I stopped singing. I never... ever... thought anyone would get me to go up and sing kereoke with them. Ever. And, just so it's known, I was quite sober for that part of the night. But, I will say this: I'm never doing it again.

It's far too easy to sneak out of this house. Over the years, I couldn't tell you how many times I've snuck out of the basement and opened the gate and gone somewhere up the street or somewhere else in this town. It's just too easy. I walk out, and that's it. It's done. My dog is usually downstairs when I come back in, he's usually sleeping. He doesn't even move when I come back through the doors. He's used to it. Or, he's stupid. My parents know now (that I leave sometimes for 20 minutes or half an hour at night), but beforehand... I was staying out from midnight until 4 in the morning, etc. It has always just been way too easy. Kind of neat, I thought. Something to remember.

May 17, 2003
4:34 PM  ()

2:33 PM  ()

time. will never destroy your heart.
"float on, water way. your time never changed your life 'round again, and you fly far away."

Last night: Walking down Woodside streets, and shadows follow me in circles. Protection sewed to the soles of my shoes. Look, they're almost like Gaurdian Angels. Twirling my hair between my fingers, as they mimick, pensively. Just how he hates it, he'd hold my hands down to prevent it.

And to joke around, Mom decided to tell me she was going to see the "Red Hot Peppers" and I burst out laughing.

I'm gaining energy, and I'm not sure if it's because my mood's changing or because of the orange juice I just drank. The sun's decided to peek out a little bit more. I've been getting quite upset when she's hiding. I can't stand feeling cold. Well, I'm cold all the time, but I mean chilled to the bone. Only a hot shower saves me from such a feeling. I almost fell asleep in the shower today. I'm quite lazy today and I didn't feel like moving much, so I just layed at the bottom of the tub and curled up to where the warm water was aimed. Pathetic, really, but quite relaxing. I just finished telling Kyla that I didn't know what to do with myself now. My hair's curly and I'm too lazy to straighten it (although I will later, I have 3 1/2 hours to do something about that). I'm too lazy to do anything. I'm too lazy to smoke. I've had one cigarette today and I didn't enjoy it because I was just... too lazy to smoke the thing. That's probably a good thing. Clifford wants me to quit, badly. I should. I really should. So should he, so should a lot of people.

Three and a half hours... I could watch a movie. I tried calling Clifford but there was no answer. So, I called Kyla to see how things were going. And now, I'm cold again, my hair's a little bit damp, my fingers are freezing up, and I really want to curl up on my two-seater couch under my purple blanket and leave only enough space for my eyes to focus on the television. Ah, that's exactly what I'll do. And I'll bring the curling iron over and do my hair once I'm warm. They stole my wicker table from me, so I have nothing to put my feet on anymore, or put my mirror on. I'll pull something else over. If I can find something. The wooden tables in this room are, honestly, too heavy for me to move. Aw, damn. This plan may not work. What a tragedy.

I don't know if I'll be staying very long tonight for Bill's thing. I don't know if I can do it. I'm not up for much at all right now. I don't want to go at all, but I feel obligated to. I don't want to drink, so I won't. My parents have gone to Calgary, so even if I wanted to I couldn't. I have to drive myself to work and back, and I'd much rather be driving back sober.

"Listen, here's the pleasant part..."
"Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done."

10:54 AM  ()

Last night wasn't very interesting, but it was eventful, more eventful than a Friday night has been for me in quite some time. I drove Heather and I down to Bridgeland Community Centre in Calgary for that All-ages Knucklehead show. I just wanted to get a fix on Knucklehead. We started to get aggitated, a little bit annoyed by the fact that everyone were and are complete morons. Couldn't recognize any faces except a younger brother of someone we know (probably the brightest kid there). After watching a boy raise his hand and scream "WHO WANTS TO SEE ME PUKE?" and ten other hands raising aftwerwards, we decided to go inside and never go back out that door. And of course, we started contemplating our departure. After seeing a young, slightly overweight, 12 year old girl wearing revealing clothing start dancing strangely and falling down after about 2 seconds all drunk like, we decided to leave. That was the last straw. I now refuse to go to All-ages shows. I couldn't fucking believe it. And on the way out, Heather saw Phil, which didn't make her any more happier. The whole situation made us laugh afterwards on the drive back into town. We've had so many 'unspeakable nights' (as we call them) and some have been far worse than that. We ended up at the diner until 9:30 p.m. and then I took her home. Sasha wanted me to come back downstairs to spend some time with her, so I did. Friday night, a bar, not a lot going on. Very lame. But Sasha and I played pool, she called me a "git" a few times, it was far too hilarious. I won, finally.

It's Bill's (cook) going away party tonight. I'm going to have to get my Dad to drive me to work at 6:00 p.m. or someone is going to have to drive me. I'd quite rather not leave my Mom's car in the parking lot all night. I'm not doubting the fact that most of our staff will be there. Poor Sasha has to bartend, she wants to so badly get smashed with Bill, or "kipper-face" as she calls him. I can't fucking remember why I'm going... oh yeah, I was told to by pretty much everyone.

I've decided I'm never going to order from Pita Pit after 9 p.m. I had a Chicken Ceasar Pita around 11:30 and there was only one employee on. Tasted fine, but the chicken was not cooked right. That can't be a good thing.

Mom just went out. Her friends just came to pick her up. All her friends are quite older than her. She hadn't had many friends up until this year. She's got... 3, I think. Yeah. Regular ones, anyhow. An old lady and her husband, Joan & George, and a seemingly younger lady. I forget her name. I know it starts with an 'S-h'. Mind you, when I was young and my parents were alcoholics, they had loads of friends. I barely saw them when I was that age, especially on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night. And a few weeknights in between. Those were the nights they went out. The rest of them were nights when they'd have one or two over and get pissed during a conversation or playing cards. I'd sit in the living room, the basement, or the floor of the kitchen. I'd usually try to sit close to them so I could listen to them. Ha. And in the living room I had this microphone set up and I'd pretend to have adult conversations with myself. Fuck, I was one rockin' child with a big 'L' stamped on her face.

My mouth tastes disgusting. I need something to eat. But first, I must brush my teeth. And the wait some, I don't need my food tasting minty fresh. Oh fuck, what a boring life I currently lead.

May 16, 2003
4:17 PM  ()

I am making the assumption that no one has been home yet. This means my parents are either: a. out galavanting in only a way that they ever could (also known as: Mom's shopping and Dad's getting pissy following her around but being there under obligation) or b. they're still at the hospital. I'm hoping 'a' is the correct answer.

I have to call Heather back in a moment and let her know I'm not up for the suggestion she left in a text message she sent me while I was at work. I'd love to, but I shouldn't. I'll call her in a few minutes. After I finish writing this, get out of these work clothes and fix myself up some.

Rich Jones e-mailed me for the first time in about a year yesterday, and then again today. He's quite interested in Clifford's band, wants to check them out the next time he's back in Toronto. He's in LA right now recording another album with his band. Him and Jenny are no longer together (hence why he's no longer in Toronto, yes... Jenny of Tuuli) but he plans on moving back there. He loves it there. Hopefully we keep in touch, it would be great to run into him later on if he moves back there.

I was very miserable at work today. The girls noticed it, Leslie was very concerned. I ended up telling her I need a week off, soon. I have to go to Ontario. And I mean have to. I almost burst into tears as I was telling her everything and so did she, it was actually quite funny. So. I guess, in a way, I put on a pretty damn good show. Now, let's see what happens.

Holy shit, Mom's home. Must run and find out how things are.

7:58 AM  ()

something's not right...

7:52 AM  ()

Most definitely not wanting to be awake right now. My parents are at the hospital, Mom's having a CAT scan. I believe. I don't know. My hair is going to be impossible to do anything with this morning, it looks fucking pathetic. My work clothes are in the dryer on "wrinkle release" because I'm too lazy to iron them.

This is regular pretending.

Disgusting & disturbing dreams had two nights in a row. Nightmares. I've been having those a lot recently. Leslie said something about a dream catcher, and I told her I lost mine. I did, but apparently it's in this room. For some reason my Mom took it out of mine. And yes, I also believe in dream catchers, whether it be a psychological thing or not. That damn thing helped me from going insane when I was a child. Aliens. Everywhere. In the vents. Good lord. Fuck.

May 15, 2003
10:54 PM  ()

"Heather,

I have checked my mail.

Mom."

9:14 PM  ()

oh, just go fucking marinate in it.
where did heather spend six hours today?
well, she spent it at the diner.
why?
well, she went in to get some writing down and to be alone (which never really happened for i was joined by others constantly now that i work there, and that was alright, i guess), and there was only one waitress on. all of a sudden a rush of people came in and the two hostesses didn't know what the fuck they were doing so i was begged to help. i sat people, i took drinks, i made milkshakes, did coffee rounds i cleaned... all without uniform. it was interesting.

and i've been asked so many times today (not only by people who read this online journal) why i look so sad. i really don't feel like explaining it. and i would love to tell you, my darling, but it's really quite stupid. all of it. maybe it's just pms. "It's just my turn, I guess." what an awful thing for me to say. i'm sorry.

sigh. i feel like reading and i haven't a book to get into that i haven't already read. i decorated my new notebook with a cover picture of kurt cobain. i was asked if i thought he killed himself or if he was murdered by courtney. i always laugh at this question. i haven't really written my opinion down. he killed himself. i would go into it, and i would go even further into it (enough as to explain a possibility why there might be no fingerprints on the gun, etc.) but i will refrain because it's not something i'd rather get into right now.

jesus. i need to shake this mood. anyway, working at nine thirty in the morning until two in the afternoon. i found out linda was laid off, which is sad, but understandable. crystal's leaving, which means i get full weekday shifts (5 days a week, mornings, and sometimes needed on weekends) and this pleases me. saturday i work from six in the evening until nine, same with sunday. saturday night i'm going downstairs for bill's 'going away' party. he's moving to vancouver. apparently his house has two kitchens. he's a cook, but i still don't know why the hell someone would need two full sized kitchens in their residence. insane. that starts at nine thirty. yeah. you do realize i'm just writing bullshit in order to fill up some space. give you something to read. which you're probably not reading anyhow because it's 'too long'. i just noticed i'm not capitalizing. bad heather. bad.

meagan's off for a camping trip this weekend. i forgot it was 'may long'. fuck. i really want to vanish right now. i'm so scatterbrained and i can't really catch on to things today. either way, i was capable of keeping most of the day to myself. it was nice. i don't know what to do with myself now. i'm not tired enough to go to bed. it's raining, somewhat, outside - meaning it's cold. ended up talking about grade two with jenn today, my 'going deaf' experience. she was curious. it wasn't that interesting. i'm trying to remember why it came up. oh yeah, because i have a massive ache in my left ear right now. i don't get ear aches very often anymore, so they hurt like hell. you know what book i liked, mainly for one 'phrase'? hocus pocus (kurt vonnegut) for "he laughed like hell". yeah, i loved that. i don't think i've ever used it in conversation, though.

wow. i am so extremely uninteresting right now. i'll stop here.
i wish i could have listened to you for longer. fuck, i miss you. that's it right there.

1:18 PM  ()

I know exactly what I want to do right now. I've been sleeping for most of the day so far, and will most likely do some more as soon as I sit back down. But yes, I know exactly what I want to do. Keep today for myself. So far I've been doing a good job by keeping my eyes shut, but I'd also like to leave, and just spend the rest of it with myself.

"Heather, you look down." Mom, I am down. "What's making you down?" Nothing. I don't know. "Well, do you have any plans for today?" No. "Oh, good! You can clean your..." Mom, you're leaving me alone today. "Oh... it's that bad, huh?" Yes, just leave me alone if all you're going to do is nag, I really can't deal with that today. "Heather?" Yes, Mom? "Do you want a sandwich?" Too cute. She asked me again later on what was bugging me, and I could probably tell her exactly what is wrong with me, but none of it is relevent, none of it makes any sense and there's just little bits and pieces of stupidity. So, I prefer to not talk about it.

I can't wait to grow my hair out long again, so I can leave my hair curly and not have to deal with these tiny ringlets that form because of my short hair. I can't wait to let it all down and just let it hang there, the curls spread apart by the pulling of gravity and I won't look like such a little girl. I can't stand my short hair anymore. Actually, I don't think I ever could. The fact that everyone else found it so gorgeous and cute and "makes you look older, Heather" was what kept me content with it. Now I just can't stand it. I can't wait for it to all be red again, I can't wait for it to be long, past my shoulders, below my shoulder blades.

I just finished watching (kind of, but I've seen it so many times) "The Laramie Project". Gets me every time, it's so sad.

I painted my nails earlier this morning with some clear polish my Mom & I used to use constantly when I was younger. I'm so glad to have gotten rid of that god awful design and colour they put on me for my that graduation. Fucking sparkles. I could have stopped the man but he was having too much fun.

"What is this weather, and what is this darkness, and why do I feel so alone?"

9:49 AM  ()

I wonder who that was about.

And I wonder why I'm awake right now. I planned on sleeping in, having a nice long restful sleep... but of course, nothing like that ever goes accordingly. I fell asleep a bit early as well watching something about the Bermuda Triangle and other 'world phenomenons', something goofy like that.

I really don't feel like existing today.
Help me out, and pretend I don't.
Ugh, I feel so disgusting.

May 14, 2003
10:06 PM  ()

i think i'm sinking. yeah, i am. just a little.

11:08 AM  ()

Okay, I could swear that I just heard my Aunt Mary's voice upstairs but it can't be. I'm ready to bolt up the stairs in excitement but I have a huge feeling I will be let down. I will laugh if it's just the nurse stopping by to check my Mom out. She's such a kooky woman.

Today will be eventful, I'm quite sure of it. I'm looking forward to seeing Kyla, and then she's off with Todd around 8:00, so I'll leave an hour or so before that to come back into town. Cigarettes are wanted by moi. Spending too much money on cigarettes. I smoked an entire pack last night and I'm not very proud of that. I spent my evening with Meagan and Jody (who was bartending) in Twisterz lounge (located on the lower level of my place of work) because Jody was lonely. Played pool, got drunk by myself, came home. Who the hell is here? Who's voice is that? I don't know who that is anymore. Bonnie? Yeah. Afterwards I told my Dad I might end up going for a walk, this was around midnight, all he told me was to take a key with me and make sure I was going with someone. I was, I'm not that much of an idiot. Heather and I walked all the way up to Pita-pit (it was open when we passed it in the car...) and it was closed. It's only Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays that they're open until 3 a.m. That was a slap in the face. So, I wandered over to a near gas station and bought a pizza sub. Sobered me up right away, and we both became quite lazy. I didn't want to walk all the way home. If you thought about it, us and our houses were on completely different ends of that side of the city. So lame, but we made it.

I'm going to shower. I'm going to straighten my hair. I'm going to throw in some laundry. I'm going with my Mom to take those grad shoes back (yes, I wore them, and now I'm taking them back... but he knows about it -the owner- and he's suggested that I bring them in an pick something else that I like, something more comfortable). A good deal. And then, hopefully at 2:00 I'll be off into Calgary. Coming back around 6:30 or 7:00. Rock.

I don't have much to say. There's nothing but a few ridiculous things happening lately and I don't feel much like explaining them. Ever.

1:37 AM  ()

A late night stroll with the stoner and late night sneaky phone calls with skip. I love it.

May 13, 2003
4:19 PM  ()

Favourite soups at work:
1. Cream of Potato & Cheddar.
2. Cream of Broccoli & Cheddar.

9:48 AM  ()

And the drama hikes up her skirt, she's definitely dancing this way all over again. Whatever. I think the only written reply you'll get to what you wrote, my dear, is never write about my boyfriend like that again. Ever. Or me. Like I said, count me out if that's the way it's going to be. Next time, pick up the phone when you have shit like that to say to me.

I should go to work. I am going to work, but I mean right now. I haven't even eaten. How like me, I never eat before work and I end up spending money on food after my shift is over. I work until 2:00, there's no doubt that I'm going to be there past 3:00. That really bothers me. That's something I liked about the gas station. As soon as the times listed on the schedule sheet were hit, you could run out of there as fast as you could. You wouldn't have to stay one second longer. Oh, but here, I'm always doing cash-out, and it's impossible to do cash-out at two o' fucking clock.

Clifford: Have fun tonight at the concert.

May 12, 2003
10:13 AM  ()

"Heather, wake up. It's an emergency!" What? What? Emergency? Mom? Are you okay? What's going on? It's 7:30 in the morning, tell me what's going on. "You have to drive into Calgary." RIGHT NOW? Right at this very second? Now, you better have a good explanation for this. "It's an emergency." Well, tell me what this emergency is. "Your Dad locked his keys in his car." ...

Heather flops backwards onto her bed again and tries to sleep. "Heather, wake up." Mom, I have to work at 10:00, there's no way I'm going into Calgary now, coming back, and having a shower. I'll be an hour late for work. "Heather, you have to."

So she sits up and ponders a moment. Alright, Mom. Can you do me a favour? "Yes." Okay, you're going to call my work and tell them that I can't come into work today. You're going to tell them that I've been sick all night and that you want me to sleep. Because, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing today. Sleeping. "Alright."

And I was surprised she actually did it. I have the day off. And in all honesty, I am not feeling very well. If I worked today I was going to pass out in the middle of the restaurant or something like that. I just wouldn't be able to deal with anything today. I'm weak, tired, and bitter. So, I drove into Calgary at 7:45, and forced my Dad to take me out for breakfast. "With hair like that?" Oh, right, I forgot to brush my hair because I was woken up and pushed out the door in such a hurry. Dad, my hair is the least of your worries right now. Now take me out for something to eat. So demanding, aren't I? I arrived back in town around 9:30, and in a few minutes I'm going to park my arse on the couch and I'm going to turn on the television and fall asleep. Fast. I almost fell asleep twice driving the car this morning. Anyhow, that's the start to this Monday for moi.

I have a few grad pictures online, but... none of you get to see them. Because, of course, I hate my hair in all of them. Ha.

May 11, 2003
8:16 PM  ()

First: BAHAHAHA!! "Happy Birthday!" Don't worry, darlin'. I was the only one who heard that message, or.. both of them. I let her know the proper what not.

Second: I am so angry again because I was forced to get up and go out for dinner. And of course, I missed out on valuable sleeping time (which my Mom had promised to give me, or at least relax around the house and have a nice night in) and I missed the phone call I was waiting for.

I am not going to be a happy girl at work tomorrow.
I wasn't a happy girl today.
I am one angry person right now.

Uh, either way, Happy Mother's day to all those awesome Mom's out there. Kirby, too.

8:13 AM  ()

So you want me to explain? Well, screw off and wait a while. It's 8:07 a.m. and I'm ready to work for 8:30. There's no way in hell I'm going in early because I don't want to go on right away. I better be seating. That's all I feel like doing. I'm am so angry. So fucking angry. But last night was interesting. A story will be told. I was there until 3:00 a.m. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't be here and writing this right now. I'd be passed out in Adam's basement. Alright, so, until I get off work. (I'm going to tell them I'm friggin' out of there as soon as whatever time I was scheduled in for because I'm sleeping all day. And I better not work tomorrow. The only thing I'll wake up for are phone calls. One most particularily if I recieve it.) Fuck.

May 10, 2003
1:48 AM  ()

last cigarette: about 10 minutes ago.
last car ride: 10 minutes ago, Meagan. Ran into her at the convenience store/gas station.
last kiss: March 14th, 2003.
last good cry: March 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.
last library book checked out: something that's most likely overdue and been out for the past two years. I more than likely owe tons o money.
last movie seen: Phone Booth.
last book read: Life of Pi.
last cuss word uttered: shit
last beverage drank: molson canadian beer. oh fuck, that makes me sound like a drunkard. this, i am not, not again. I just had a beer after work with Colleen. That is all.
last food consumed: Some disgusting sandwhich I picked up at the convenience store when I bought Heather cigarettes.
last crush: & current. mr. clifford mccarten.
last phone call: I think it was to Heather on my cell.
last tv show watched: Simpsons, last night at midnight.
last time showered: yesterday at 2:00 pm.
last shoes worn: my globes, they're the only ones in the basement that I could sneak out of the house with.
last cd played: Lisa Loeb's Nine Stories.
last item bought: A sandwich.
last downloaded: I can't remember.
last disappointment: never you mind.
last soda drank: sprite, at work.
last thing written: "sprite, at work." or if you want to get picky about it, I wrote with a PEN on my cash out.
last key used: the period.
last word spoken: "night."
last sleep: last night.
last im: from Kyla, she is currently messaging me now and it's awesome.
last sexual fantasy: le SIGH.
last weird encounter: Following Justin around Airdrie, 20 minutes ago.
last ice cream eaten: I haven't eaten ice cream in quite a while.
last time amused: I'm easily amused, so I probably laughed at something I said earlier. I can't remember.
last time wanting to die: ... I want money.
last time in love: So very current that it hurts so good.
last time hugged: About half an hour ago.
last time scolded: Uh, the other day in the car, my Mom swore at me and burst into tears and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out it was because I parked on the other side of the road and made her walk across the street to the bank... which was about ... well, not very far away at all.
last time resentful: Uh, I don't know.
last chair sat in: This one.
last shirt worn: My work shirt.
last time dancing: Ha, tonight, with Colleen.
last poster looked at: The 50's posters at work.
last show attended: FPZ and Spare Johnny.
last webpage visited: Some chick's website.

Wow was I bored. No, I didn't make this all up. I stole it from that chicks website because I couldn't think of anything else to write.

Exhausted. Must sleep now.

May 09, 2003
10:17 AM  ()

Not a very restful sleep. And I was told there was supposed to be warm sunshine all around today, but I look outside and all I see is snow, grey, and more grey. It's not pretty snow, either. It looks like millions of aphids just taking over the world, and committing suicide as they all take nose dives straight into the ground. And there's no evidence of this snow because as it hits the ground it melts, just disappears like magic.

Too much bad weather. I believe it's starting to get to me and affect my mood entirely. I'm miserable now because I've seen that it's snowing. Maybe I'll fry some perogies, think that might cheer me up? No. But it will taste pretty damn good for breakfast. I don't work until 5:00 tonight. I just realized I won't be able to talk to Clifford until about Sunday evening, or maybe Monday because he's at his Dad's over the weekend. Tonight, I work from five until close, and then tomorrow is booked off for this Graduation thing. Adam's band is playing, I guess, at the Convention Centre (I don't know which one it is, Telus, maybe). So we're going a bit early to set up all that insanity. I'm excited to see everyone, but I'm not excited to dress up. I'm not excited to look overly nice (more dressed up than I have ever been) and my own boyfriend not there to see it. I can't stand the fact that I'm not going somewhere with him instead. I guess there's not much I can do about that seeing as there's, oh, 2 provinces inbetween our own preventing anything of the sort.

Sunday, Mother's Day (just for those of you who couldn't remember), will be a lesson in hate. I am going to despise M's Day after this Sunday. I have to work from 8:30 until whoever knows when (until they no longer need me, that's how it usually works), and I believe I'm just going to be seating people. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BUSY IT'S GOING TO BE IF I'M JUST SEATING PEOPLE? They don't need me for cash, they'll have someone else doing cash, and there will be two busers, and 4 or 5 waitresses. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS. "It's the busiest day of the year!" says Gene in excitement. He'll be there "helping out" when in all reality that just means he's telling us all what we *should* be doing at that point in time. Fun guy, though, but not when it's frustratingly busy and you're running around with a huge fake smile upon your face. I'm going to come home, say "Happy Mother's Day" to my own Mom, go in my room and freak out for a bit, and then see what's happening for Dinner. I suppose I could buy her a card. I haven't done that in years. And it's not the lack of caring on this day, it's just that my Mom doesn't really fret about anything at all. She just wants my Dad and I with her on that day, even if all we do is go out for a movie. She's not too picky about that, and I don't think I will be either. That is.. if.. I ever decide to make a family of my own.

Ha, last night was funny.

May 08, 2003
8:46 PM  ()

HAH. That took so much guts. I hate calling people when I know it's late (either here or wherever they reside). I feel so bad. I'm always so scared someone's going to answer the phone and... tell me to hang up.

8:22 AM  ()

Well, so far I've freaked out on my own Mother because she kept talking to me about money and how she feels that I'm going to spend it all and how I should give it to her. Of course my defenses went right up because I have $500 I want to put in an account I will be opening soon, and I have another paycheque coming in and I have another $100 I want to take out of my current account and transfer it to the other. My defenses shoot up usually after the smallest thing that's said and offends me in any way, especially in the morning. So far she's called me a "bitch", and all I really want is for her to stay upstairs, far away from me. I don't want to hear her voice. I can't deal with this kind of shit in the morning. I can't deal with "I need to talk to you without you getting upset" kind of starts to any conversation. DON'T SAY SOMETHING YOU KNOW IS GOING TO UPSET ME. It's usually obvious when I'm ready to deal with something, it's said and the conversation just doesn't come out of nowhere. I can't believe this. What a great fucking start to this day. I'm supposed to hook up with Aaron Staples tonight at some point. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do so, which will make me feel awful.

4:00 - appointment with Trish.
4:30 - call Aaron, plan something with him until about 6:00-6:30
7:00 - DT's
8:00 - home. sleep.

7:53 AM  ()

I woke up close to tears this morning because of the nightmares I kept having last night. In these dreams I was screaming and so terrified. We were at some sort of family reunion and every single man I wasn't related to hit on me, grabbed me, and a few times I was almost raped. A cousin or some girl just chained me somewhere and no one could find me. I don't know what neighborhood I'm in, it's disgusting and dirty and I was chained up in this alley all night. Men were the biggest thing in this dream, fucking terrified of them. What the hell caused me to have a dream like that and have it last so long? The end I finally got back to the proper house, found my Dad, told him we were leaving now, burst into tears and started screaming obsceneties at every single person in the room. All the men that had touched me or joked about trying were all smiling at me, holding their kids in their arms or clinging to their wives sides. I know what brought this on, it was that fucking show I watched the other night, again. I ran back in the house and screamed at everyone again and my Dad looked at me in horror (he didn't know what was going on), I fell onto the spot beside him on the couch whining and asking if we could just go home. It was fucked up. I didn't like that. And I can't predict how my attitude will be towards male customers today, especially the elder ones who are overly nice. I just hope I don't spaz in front of anyone. I'm ready to rip my hair out.

May 07, 2003
7:58 AM  ()

I'm screaming at the top of our lungs.

7:52 AM  ()

I fell asleep early last night in order to wake up early. I only hit the "sleep button" once. I had many strange dreams during my sleep, all three of them. I can't remember them very well, though. I most likely will later, as usual. The only thing I can recall is that I was being hurt in all sorts of ways, emotionally and physically. I don't like dreams like that. Nightmares, I guess, but not really.

My thumb is extremely itchy and annoying due to a healing cut I have right on the knuckle. But, on the plus side, my legs are smooth and I'm in a good mood. I'm giving myself some resting time before I start getting ready for work. I think I might show up early today for breakfast. My Dad called me about 20 minutes ago to let me know that the roads are extremely slippery. I'm not too worried.

And, for those of you who don't know and have been using my other cell phone number (which is actually my Mom's), I have a new cell phone & cell phone number. As much as I hate all cell phones, this one's hot and needed to be had and owned by me. I think it's the text messaging that's got me hooked. So much fun. I'm such a nerd.

I wonder how tonight will be spent. I work every day now except for Saturday until the end of the week. I have to figure out my schedule. I know today and tomorrow are 10-2, I'm not sure about Friday, and I know that I start work at 8:30 in the morning on Sunday. I'm staying away from all alcohol on Saturday night. I just can't do that to myself. I have to be ready to work on Mother's Day, it's going to be hectic x 6.

May 06, 2003
8:52 PM  ()

Well, this sucks. Waiting's not fun. I'll do laundry. And maybe start watching a movie. Buh. Why am I all of a sudden grumpy?

10:58 AM  ()

I'm very disappointed in a girl. So disappointed that I almost can't gather any will to hear her voice. And I'm also holding another girl very close to my heart because I love her dearly. Like I have said many other times, she's a star in my life. She seems to have some similar difficulties that I've had myself, very similar. Darlin', you'll find a way to express, you'll find a way to confess, you'll find a way for anything. I promise that. I promise that to anyone.

I've even woken up early and expecting to be extremely hungover after drinking 8 beers (4 Molson Canadians, 3 Coronas, 1 Guiness), 2 "Monkey's Lunch"s, 1 Rum & Coke (I had to have it because it reminded me of my Mom when I was younger, that's what she used to get drunk off of, that was her drink), 5 shooters. I am not hungover in the least. I'm up and bouncing for this new day. I'm wishing so very badly for this snow to go away, I want to drive into Calgary to go see my girl, Kyla. I feel so awful because I haven't been able to pay much attention, but I hope she knows that I will give her all the attention in the world as soon as I have the chance to get to her. So, darlin', if I can't make it in today, I'm trying for tomorrow when I get off of work if the roads aren't bad still. She's so close but so hard to get to when the urge to see her is overwhelming. It's kind of weird because I've had to deal with that feeling a lot recently. I don't mind, I like knowing these people are still there. Like, Clifford, he's so far away but so close at heart. Not impossible to get to, but it's definitely not an event that I can just throw $5 in the gas tank of the car and make my way over. Add two zero's to that number you just read and think of an airplane. Le sigh. It's okay, though. Because they both know that I'll be there to see them sooner or later, and it'll be worth it.

Last night:
Dinner was fantastic. We went to The Elephant & Castle with Joey, Ross & Bonnie were there as well. Ross is a guy I grew up knowing because Joey and him have been friends ever since I can remember. Since before I was born, I'm thinking. Great food, good laughs, showed off my birthday present.

The band that played at the bar last night were quite good. They played mainly covers but they played "Scooby Snacks" by the Bloodhoung Gang for me (they also covered Nirvana, Cake, and a few other bands that were more than recognizable). Some table sent over a shooter after finding out (the band announced it twice as loud as they could) that it was my 18th birthday. It was all far too hilarious. I had such a great night. My brother Gary was so funny. Jason showed up later on. Old friends of my brothers' were there (Aaron & Dave). What a great night. I really can't believe I'm not the least bit hungover. It's amazing. My Mom told me to thank my lucky stars for that. I liked that. "Thank your lucky stars." Ha, it's so cute.

Gary & I are too much alike. Our sense of humor is too much alike. We pulled some pretty bad pranks on our Dad and brother (Jason). I'm so glad Meagan came with me. I felt bad because she was so tired, but she was there none the less. She's a rockin' chick. She was so hot last night, all dressed up. I wasn't dressed up in the least. She was so much hotter than I was yesterday. That's not allowed. Ha, you rock, Meagan. Thank you, again.

Ha, what a funny night.

12:39 AM  ()

Holy shit. That's all I have to say. Along with: Bread and water has never looked so good in my life.

May 05, 2003
12:15 PM  ()

It's snowing. See, Clifford, I told you it pretty much snowed every year on this day.

May 04, 2003
11:25 PM  ()

I will age another year in 40 minutes or so. What am I going to do to celebrate? Well, the first thing I'm going to do is something before I go to sleep. I'm walking up to the convenience store and buying myself a pack of cigarettes from a place that always ID'd me no matter how hard I tried. I'm going to smoke my first legal cigarette, no police officers can charge me a $150 fine for smoking anymore. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go smoke a few cigarettes in peace outside rather than having to hide and worry where they're roaming. How pathetic, but you know what, I can't sleep, I've already spent some of it crying, and I really need to treat myself.

5:11 PM  ()

Lisa Loeb, "Garden of Delights" // "I see the lights move on the ceiling, and I see the stars up in the lights. I see the moonbeams on your forehead there, and I think about the Garden of Delights. You see the curtains draped in front of me. You see the sun come up alone. You want to show me just what you can see. And I, I turn away. You see my face, you hate my words, I hate you too. You see my heart, it likes the feeling that it gets when I'm with you. I look right at your eyes, I look right through your eyes. And I change conversation thought for you. And I throw a look that you can't catch from far behind, and you, you turn away. You are my Jesus boy, you're laying on a bedly cross. I've got you taped up to the wall. But really don't feel bad 'cause you do to me all the things I do to you. I do to you."

She's great, isn't she? I think so. I've thought so for years upon years. But she's a complete bitch in person to kids under the age of fifteen (I think I met her when I was thirteen, or fourteen). She's hot, too. I remember, once, I was told that I looked a lot like her. I remember bursting out into laughter as well.

Fun day at work today, extremely busy though. I don't have to work Monday or Tuesday so I'm pretty much safe for a lot of things. Rock. on. I'm currently trying to get a hold of Jamie in order to have him come to Morgan's tomorrow night. It'll be so fantastic if he can make it, it'll be so great to see him.

And well now, I'm going to go make another phone call because the boy's not returning my nerdy instant messages and I miss him so fucking badly. I haven't heard his voice in much too long. Going insane.

May 03, 2003
10:24 PM  ()

My knees after last night.
Remember, I'm the one who can't stand a bruise on my body. I'm terrified of them. Egh. The pain. It's actually worse than it looks. Haha.

4:58 PM  ()

Pavement, "No Life Singed Her" // Alright, what a frickin' stupid day. 1. I set my alarm for 7:00, and of course I ended up sleeping in until 8:50 a.m. I worked at 9:00. The only reason I woke up was because someone in my dream that I was having said "Aren't you supposed to work at 9:00?" and then I shot up and looked at the clock. I haven't gotten ready so fast in my life. Surprisingly, I looked good, and so I was off. I phoned Leslie to let her know I might be 5 minutes late. I was. Exactly. So, I get to work, I punch in straight away and start hurrying my butt off. 9:25, Leslie comes to tell me that I wasn't supposed to start until 9:30 and then started laughing at me... (Here, I'm thinking, WHAT? I could have ate. I could have taken my time to get ready! God damn! Why the hell is she laughing at me?) and then she asks, "why do you have a star on your face?" (And here this is what's going through my mind: I HAVE A FUCKING STAR ON MY FACE? WHAT? YOU'RE LYING. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?) I say, "what? a star? you've got to be kidding me." I don't have the slightest idea where this star could have come from. I look at my hand. There's a big pink star on my hand from that show last night. Oh jesus, I slept on my hand. I have a star on my face. Oh my god. A star. On my face. What a day. (Luckily I have been able to use it as a big joke with customers if they noticed, but my hair was in my face on that side for most of my shift, ha). Wow, what a jumble of nothingness. 2. Work was nothing but a huge frenzy and a big ball of frustration and disorganization. Mood wasn't set right, customers complaining here and there, my rushing around cleaning off tables like a mad woman (I was only busing today so I didn't have to do much, but... I had to anyhow). My knees ache like hell from that show last night, and oh.. dear lord... just so ridiculous. The till tape ran out at ... ugh. I don't even want to get into it anymore. Tomorrow will be better. I'm hostessing. I'll set the mood just right. No complaints. Busy but nice. Excellent. It better work. 3. I still can't get over the fact that I have a star on my face. Yes, it's still there. I just got off of work and I needed to complain before I went to clean myself up. So ridiculous. So incredibly stupid. A stupid day. Argh.

I'm expecting something else to go horribly wrong. I was so excited to come home and call Clifford, but then I remembered he has a show tonight and he's most likely not even home right now. I hope it went well. I'm going back to work at 8:00 tonight to meet up with Jenn as her shift ends. She wants to sit and do coffee with me, which is awesome. I like coffee. Oh, that reminds me. Jeff came into my work today. Sorry I didn't take the time to say "hi". If you didn't notice, I had no time at all. Haha. We definitely have to go see X-men. More than definitely.

I have Monday off. Thank goodness. I work Tuesday evening. Thank goodness x 2. The phone's ringing. If it's for me I'm going to flip out. So, I won't answer it... excellent, I don't think it's for me. How fantastic.

HOLY CRAP, THE INSANITY.

12:21 AM  ()

the ringin' in my ears //
Meg drove 3 of us up to Strathmore tonight, the last two bands definitely made my night and our trip worthwhile. It was going pretty bad at first, so bad that Meg and I left to find a gas station. We ended up picking up a Strathmore hardcore punk rocker (offered him a ride to the show, since that was the way he was heading). After tonight, I now have proof that the Christian band groupie is most definitely a Christian band groupie. It's too funny. Spare Johnny and FPZ (very powerful band, the room went infuckingsane) were the bands that made our night. The lead singer of Spare Johnny, I realized after him mentioning the title of a song, is someone I used to talk to quite often online. We shook hands, and that was pretty much the end of that. Symbolic, in a sense, as to how a lot of my friendships are or used to be. Aquaintances. We all give a little shrug, a snap of the fingers, and it's over. It's too bad, sometimes. In this case it is. Very interesting fellow. He wrote something about me once, I believe. I saved it. It's somewhere on this machine.

I couldn't stop thinking of you. A reason I don't like going to shows anymore. I get so angry when your band isn't on the bill, so angry when your face isn't somewhere in the room. We sat on a couch and she said it felt like someone was missing. For me, it was you. It's always you.

I work at 9:00 a.m. I got back in the house about 20 minutes ago. I have my alarm set for seven. I'll probably only get 6 hours of sleep. Not enough. I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I'll go to bed early tomorrow, maybe even nap throughout the day. Is there anything I need to do in the afternoon? Send that letter? Oh, no, I sent that today. Or yesterday. I just had a mad craving for vegetable soup. Or maybe cream of potato & cheddar. Food sounds like a fantastic idea, Heather. Let's hop to it, then.