7:38 AM  ()
i can find many things that are wrong.
Looks miserable outside, the skies are looking quite poorly.
And I miss my old glasses, with the thicker rims.
And I wish I didn't hate myself so much right now.

I started having nightmares before I started to sleep last night.
It was strange.
I wonder what today will bring.

June 26, 2003
10:54 PM  ()
describing a forgotten life.
His eyes are teary, and I don't know what to do for him.
My eyes are dry, and I don't know what to do with myself.
She's drugged, nauseous, and in pain.
I don't know what to do for her.
Just be there for her, just be there for her. I am, and I wish I was there right now watching her sleep and drift in and out. She hasn't eaten. I want to see her eat. I want her to let me know if anything is working for her, I want to be able to ask questions and recieve descriptive answers put in a way that I will understand.

Why is he crying? This must be really bad. Of course this is really bad. Tests are being taken, the C.T. scan was taken, we should find out what's going wrong tomorrow, or maybe Saturday. Oh, what I would give to return her youth to her, return her absolute strength and wit. To return her pretty hands and feet, and her soothing voice. To return all the parts they've taken from her over the years and replaced or restructed. Return that geniune smile that never hides pain, the one I have only seen in black and white photographs. What I would give to return and renew all the life and energy in which she should have had. We can't lose her more and more to this, not this. She's too good for this. Anyone's too good for this.

I should probably not be saying those things, it most likely sounds as if I've lost hope. I have not. I have all the hope in the world resting with me just for her right now, and I know she'll get through this. I have no need to break down right now, someone has to stay strong here. There's just the two of us in the house right now, and I can't allow for us to both be wandering around the house all zombie like. She wouldn't like that. As a matter of fact, she'd give us shit for it. Ah, but I do know quite a few things she would like, and I'll have to keep things running.

And now, it's time for bed. For I work in the morning, and I can't stand waking up in the morning unprepared and close to being late. I don't like waking up and not wanting to go anywhere, I don't like being lazy. I don't like being unproductive. I have to keep my mind somewhere, I have to keep myself on something. I have to remain occupied. I'll try not to ignore myself too much, but there are other things that remain priority here. Her, remaining strong, and preventing stress. I am not stressed, but if I let this get to me negatively, I will be. I will see her tomorrow evening, and I can't wait. I want to make her smile. I'll tell her I cleaned the sink.

6:50 PM  ()
look back on centuries.
It's amazing how everything, the entire world, can deteriorate to absolutely nothing in a persons mind when someone they love is in pain.

I left a message on Mr. Brodie's cell phone, also letting him know that I will be there in two weeks and that I would like to see him (more than once) while I'm out there. But, I have a feeling everything's going to go wrong again with that particular idea. Still, I can try. I will enjoy myself either way. Ah, what I would give to see Clifford right now. Just to rest beside him, and try to relax. I have never been so tense. Anticipation, and dreading the unexpected.

4:32 PM  ()
why the whole weekend?
Well this is just fucking great. Would somebody like to tell me what's going on? Dad, buy me a pack of cigarettes. I'm freaking out.

3:21 PM  ()
just short by three or four.
I feel like it's already June 27th, but it's not. Wait, June 27th is tomorrow? I get to leave a message on an answering machine (seeing as they never pick up the phone when I call) for Scott tomorrow wishing him a Happy 18th Birthday.

Nothing's going right at this time. Nothing's too good right now. I'm fed up, and I'm worried. My Mom's sick again and my parents won't tell me much about it. They left for the hospital around 9:00 this morning, and I came home at 10:00. I fell asleep at 11:00 (thinking they'd be home in half an hour), and I woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon and they're still not here. I am going upstairs to make a phone call, and if my Dad doesn't answer his phone, I'll freak. I can't stand it when they do this. I really can't. I'm miserable. I don't want to be here.

10:26 AM  ()
tantalize. fourteen days.
I'm supposed to be working, but I'm taking the day off. For two reasons. The first being that my Mom is quite ill and I want to stay home with her, and the second being I need more rest. Plus, they don't need me at the store anyway today. We were supposed to have a bus of 50 people come in today, but it's apparently not happening now. I'm so angry about it. We spent so long cleaning and scrubbing as hard as we could yesterday to get that place as clean as possible. The President of our company was supposed to be there along with the Blood Tribe and I don't know, it was just going to be absolutely insane.

A young boy lost his mother in our store yesterday. She actually forgot him there. I felt so bad for him. I bought candy for him. His Dad seemed mighty upset.

I feel disgusting. I feel absolutely disgusting.

June 25, 2003
7:36 AM  ()

June 24, 2003
5:15 PM  ()

Alright, this book I'm reading now (reincarnation book by Jess Stearns, "The Search for the Girl with the Blue Eyes") is totally fucking my mind up.

9:20 AM  ()

June 23, 2003
10:59 PM  ()

Downtown was where my day was spent, oh yes, and at a movie theatre. I bought two books at a used book store: an old looking bilingual Kafka book, "Letter to His Father" (a letter he wrote to his father in hope that it might renew a relationship that they had lost); and a old hardcover by Jess Stearn (never heard of him/her, but the story looks interesting), "The Search for the Girl with the Blue Eyes". I have yet to finish reading "A Prayer For Owen Meany", but I am still excited about these two. I picked up those Djarum Black cigarettes, I am pleased. They're so very strong so they're not the kind to just smoke regularly, but I am still pleased. Jenn picked up 7 books in that book store, one of them being her absolute favourite. She was so excited about it, I can't remember the title or the author of the book, but it's about a man who abuses women because he sees his dead Mother in them, and he despises his mother. Lunatic. Sounds interesting.

Parents are already in bed. Have to drive my Mom to the hospital again for her treatment tomorrow. Did that today for her, can't stand being in hospitals. She ended up having to get some unexpected blood tests done and our parking metre timed out 5 minutes before we got there. We now have a $20 parking ticket to pay. Fucking lame, yo.

Oh, you're so fun.
Going to write & read for a bit now. I've decided against watching t.v. and exhausting myself until 3 in the morning. I'll go to bed early tonight.

1:12 AM  ()

June 22, 2003
4:31 PM  ()

Mark, Ali, Dave, & Clifford: The song sounds fucking fantastic. And now for this...

2:20 PM  ()

As much as I figure this ridiculous layout won't work on a lot of other computers, I don't care much right now. This weekend has been a fantastic break, and I must thank you (Kyla) so much for being there. You have no idea how much you lifted me this weekend, up and out of Friday. Friday was awful. The two hours of complete disaster with my parents. Things being said so seriously, and hearts breaking. I've never seen my Dad like that before. I was screaming and telling them I wanted to leave, they wouldn't let me. I'm glad they didn't. I'm glad we didn't leave it at that. I was very close to making the decision that I was not going to be coming back to Alberta in July. I was so very close. So many tears shed, I didn't say a word for so long. We lost our minds. All three of us, just crying. I never want to experience anything like that again. We were at the point where we were when I was 6 years old. Mom was talking about leaving. The terror in my Father's eyes after she said that was so painful. Oh, God. Forget it. Let's not dwell. It's over. Things will work out now, people are trying. But yes, thanks to Kyla for helping me keep my mind off of the entire thing.

The boys have been recording their song "Gas Money" this weekend. Ah, so proud. I can't wait to hear it. I missed Clifford's call last night. I was mighty upset. Ha. I checked my cell phone 15 minutes after he had called, and there was a message from him. That put a gigantic smile on my face, of course.

"So tear it up, and burn it, there's a hole in your head."

June 21, 2003
11:14 AM  ()

^{Where is Heather? Kyla's house.} Apparently I was talking about Ali in my sleep last night. I tend to talk the most in my sleep when Kyla's around. Maybe it's be subconsiously showing off. And now Kyla's babbling about something in the kitchen of the living room and I have no idea what she's saying.

I saw the Hulk last night. I'll complain about it later. Oh man, the hilarity.

June 20, 2003
11:19 AM  ()

Come home from work for a few minutes. Picked up Tylenol. Mom's making a doctors appointment. I have to make sure once and for all that it really is arthritis in my knees. I am in complete agony because of this weather. It's disgusting. The fact that I may (and most likely do) have arthritic pain scares me. I don't want to suffer what my Mom's gone through. I don't want my fingers and toes to twist and I don't want to become physically disabled. Agh. No, no. Although it won't happen until later on in my life, I don't want it to happen at all. Must prevent, must prevent.

June 19, 2003
7:04 AM  ()

If you ever raise your hand to me like that again there will be more than just a little something done about it. If you ever grit your teeth at me like that again, don't expect me to cower away like I did this morning. If you ever fucking get in my face like that again, Dad, don't expect me to just look away next time. If you want a fucking fight, I'll give it to you.

It's amazing how little of something (OR FUCKING NOTHING) gets to you like that, to the point where you're shaking and ready to hit me. I admit, I hate you more than I love you, you'll never change. You'll never fucking change.

June 18, 2003
10:13 PM  ()

pout x five.

7:24 PM  ()

I heard a plate drop, and I could hear her running to the bathroom along with my Dad and then proceeding to vomit into the toilet. "Did I scare you, Heather?" You didn't scare me, but what I heard scared me. Are you okay? "I'm fine. A pill went down the wrong way." It's amazing how big a of a lie that is right there. She's ill. She's getting very ill and tired. It was to be expected. But I guess none of us were quite ready for it.

And now he's going off on his little tangents, having his fits and saying that the only reason he is miserable is because of something I have done. If anyone ever treats me and/or says the things to me that he does/did, I will not stand for it. I will not have that in my life once I'm out of here. The only person I will tolerate it from is him, because that's just how he is, that's how our relationship is. We wouldn't have much of a relationship if we didn't bicker and fight, we'd have nothing to say to one another if we didn't have that. As much as we love each other, my Dad and I will always be far apart.

June 17, 2003
8:29 PM  ()

No one answered the phone when he called, and I was sleeping, and I really can't stand the way my Dad decided to wake me up and tell me about it. That was more than creepy, I hope he never does that again. And then he left the room and I shot up and jumped to the next chair to call him back but realized it was already 10:00 p.m. where he lives and he's at his Dad's. Can't call back. Damnit. Damnit, damnit.

I just slept for the past three hours so contently, but now my stomach aches because of two things, and I shall remedy that pretty quick.

I have Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off. What the hell am I going to do with myself? Le sigh.

4:19 PM  ()

hahaha! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I don't know why I involve myself in any sort of relationship with other people, girls in fucking particular. Jesus fucking christ.

7:41 AM  ()

Of course, I fly out of bed at 7:15 and curse at myself for not waking up in time (6:30) for a shower. So, I suppose I'll just have to do that when I get home, but I really wanted to shower this morning. I feel very disgusting right now. Another eight hours to last and then it'll be a-okay.

I'm fucking $30 in the hole with my parents now. This blows. I am going to try using the nicotine patch pretty soon, I have to try something. I want to quit, but then, I don't want to. Very gross. Very, very gross.

I should be upstairs making myself something to eat right about now, but no, I'm a huge idiot.

1:14 AM  ()

Moneen & Self Made Man = good.
Seeing Graham = good.
Pizza = good.
Getting stuck behind Moneen's van for over an hour = bad.
Meagan telling me to 'fuck off' for no fucking good reason whatsoever = not fucking cool.

June 16, 2003
6:43 AM  ()

My eyes are burning. Couldn't fall asleep until 3:00, then my stupid dog woke me up. I hate him for it. Fell asleep again around 3:45 or 4:00. I hate him for it.

1:07 AM  ()

Can't fucking sleep. I spent from 11:30 to 12:30 (an entire damn hour) chasing a housefly around my bedroom. And because of it's continuous buzzing about, after I had finally stunned and killed the mo'fugga, I could still hear another one. Of course, it didn't exist (although I thought I heard it in my closet and sneakily smacked about in there), it was just me being overly paranoid and absolutely crazy. Before all this happened (because of this spider bite photograph I was sent a couple days ago) I started freaking out and kicking off my covers because my legs started to tingle (they were falling asleep, but I was convinced I was being bitten by millions of tiny spiders). And because I shaved my legs yesterday, areas of my skin is quite dry and itchy, and of course this made me freak out even further. I am insane, I must be. There has to be something wrong with me in order for me to freak the hell out like that. I don't want to sleep in my bedroom, but it's the only other room with a set alarm clock (for 6:30). I can still hear that buzz, buzz, buzzing.

And now I'm fretting about work pants. What shall I wear? I don't know if my black Dickie jeans are clean, and I sure as hell know my DT's work pants aren't clean (which are also black, but very uncomfortable and stupid looking). I bet my jeans are clean, but where could they be? I wonder, I wonder.

Dad's checking on me at 6:30 to make sure I wake up. Who's going to do that for me when I'm out of the house? Ha. Oh, dear. I must further train myself in this waking up business. I always wake up to my alarm clock now, but there's days where I sort of... ignore it. Those are the days I wake up 5 minutes before my shift and fly all around my bedroom and house trying to get ready in order to not be too late for my shift. Mind you, it's easier to get away with at this particular job, or this place, at least. Keith will be there tomorrow morning. I better not be late for my first shift. I won't be. I'm a good little worker. I'm like a bee, with an un-annoying buzz. Better yet, a non-existant 'buzz'. Good lord, that fly made me want to kill myself. I don't think I've ever swatted at a fly so much, with a book especially. I went nuts-o.

My throat stings, I think that may be a sign.
Stop smoking, Heather. Just stop smoking. Maybe I'll try the patch? Oh, damnit, I don't know things anymore. I've lost it for the night, my mind is just gone, and I'm about ready to pounce at anything that moves in order to kill it (mainly bugs/pests). So frustrated.

24 days. 24 days. Excited. And how.

June 15, 2003
10:25 AM  ()

I was just rubbing my eye and it made the most disgusting squishy sound in the world. I am revolted and I have lost my appetite.

Yes, I did call Clifford this morning at work as soon as I woke up to remind him that it was Father's Day, JUST INCASE. I wasn't sure. I had to be sure. I don't want him to get on his Dad's bad side. Ha. "Did you call me just to remind me of that?" "Yes." "Oh my god." My boyfriend thinks I'm a lunatic. It's okay, though, because... I am.

June 14, 2003
5:23 PM  ()

I enjoyed having Kyla in town last night and this morning. Although the show we went to was a complete embarassment (although it was put on for a good cause) and we didn't stay for too long. We attempted staying twice, I believe, but that didn't work out. Around 11:00 we walked up to Chris' house where he had the show's after-party and so many unexpected people showed up. 3 of my ex-boyfriends were there and I didn't like that too much, but I didn't see them very often, nor did I talk to them for very long. Carter called me a dip-shit for absolutely no reason, he was the one who asked the stupid question. Anyhow, we left fairly early, I suppose. It wasn't that fantastic, and it wasn't something I wanted to stay at, so we walked home. Some man was running behind us at some point and it freaked us out, and then he literally disappeared. We had no idea where he went. Knowing this town, he probably hid behind a rock to whack off. Ugh. This town is gross.

Got home. I spent an hour or so on the phone with Cliff while he was working the midnight shift and was ready to brutally murder his co-worker. During this I made Kyla and I Kraft Dinner. I'm not big on the stuff, but I can stand it every once in a while. I made it properly for the first time ever. Yes, I have problems with making KD. It's sad, I know.

And Dave's going down.
And this morning was cool.
I slept in.
We slept in.

I just got back about half an hour ago from dropping Kyla off at home and now Meagan wants to do something. Not a problem, but I'm not sure of anything we could do. I have absolutely no money, nor does she, and well, it's Airdrie. I'm a very lazy girl today. It's windy outside, and I don't like it.

Ryan Mueller is such a nice guy. Oh, how I remember when he used to sit on the back of the bus and yell on about how everyone who ate at McDonalds might as well walk up to the counter and ask for "COW ASS". He's changed, a lot. People do that, Heather.

June 13, 2003
9:49 AM  ()

I am going to forget that all that even happened.

Today's looking bright, maybe a little grey. I haven't had many hours of sleep. I was back in the house by about 3:20, asleep by 3:30. Ah, mind you, I've had about 6 hours of sleep. I take that back. I'm fine.

I watched a movie starring Cristina Ricci and some Hank guy in "Pumpkin". It made me cry. A lot of movies have been making me cry lately. It's so pathetic. I'll start sobbing and by the end of the movie it's more of a sob laugh because I'll be laughing at myself. Kyla says, "Aww, it's because you want your boy."
AND HOW!

Tonight will be strange. There's going to be a show held at the legion here in Airdrie itself (insert laughter here for a few moments), and I volunteered to help at the door. Actually, I was more or less told I volunteered to do this by the person that is putting it on. Anyway, it'll be interesting, and fun because Kyla will be with me. She's exciting about stamping peoples hands. It'll probably be a really shitty show, but uh, it's free for me and Kyla, so why the hell not. I'm checking jackets and cigarette packs and stuff. It's an all-ages show, I should just take their cigarettes away from them. Mua-ha.

I'm picking Kyla up at 3:00 at Rundle Station (Sunridge Mall) in Calgary and then we're headin' back up to good ole Airdrie. I'M SO EXCITED. And now I'm hungry.

June 12, 2003
9:36 AM  ()

#2. Happy 18th Birthday, Clifford, my love.
(The 1st is on his message board. The 3rd will be one he can hear. He doesn't want me to make a big deal over it. So, I won't. I'll just tell him Happy Birthday 3 times. Haha.)

June 11, 2003
9:31 PM  ()

I miss him. _{I miss him.} I miss him. I miss him. I miss you.

1:10 PM  ()

I Came As A Rat - Modest Mouse
I had a dream within a dream last night. It was kind of strange. I was yelling at Scott over the telephone on my back porch, and then all of a sudden I woke up and I was on an airplane being told that we had landed in Toronto and it was time to get up out of my seat and saunter off down the hall and out the door, watch for the 'luggage pick-up' signs. Everything was so real, and I messed up Colleen's hair... as we were leaving I woke up a second time in my bed wondering 'what the hell?' I was quite disappointed.

I'm very bored. (See, I told you I would complain about it.) I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. I'm broke, and my feet are cold. It's warm outside, though. So that's a plus. I'm about to make a phone call and I guess wander off that way. I'm in a very laid back kind of mood, and a bit bitchy at the same time. I must look angry. That's too bad.

Moneen's on Tuesday, or Monday. They're playing two shows. I work the next morning for both shows. Monday's starts earlier, Tuesday's a bar show. I'm not too fond of Carpenters Hall, though. And I'm not too fond of driving all the way to Mt. Royal College's Liberty Lounge. I asked Meagan to come with me, she said she wanted to drive. I don't think she'll want to drive that far either. Ah, the phone's ringing. That's probably Heather. She's the only person who calls me during the daytime when everyone else is at school, and when she should be at school. Uh, that rebel.

June 10, 2003
5:49 PM  ()

Track 01 - Untitled #1, Sigur Rós
Yes, I bought this today. I took Heather into Calgary with me and she went to Future Shop with me, we found this album sitting not too far beneath the Radiohead 'Special Edition' of Hail To The Thief (which I also bought, of course). I am pleased with both. On this Sigur Rós album there are only 4 tracks, all of them amazing (of course), but it also comes with a DVD disc that I will watch as soon as I'm finished being a nerd and writing this.

My attitude towards life is changing, I feel so much older again. I'm smartening up, and I'm becoming proud of what I am trying to accomplish. Inside I am contently smiling, I can feel it. I'm setting goals, I'm doing things differently. I'm spending more time with my Mother, less arguments. Everything's starting to mean so much more. Conversations had with the boy are stored and open, like a book, so I can go back just to remember. I'm preparing myself for a 'goodbye', I suppose, and I'm preparing to start this new life that awaits me. I'm not jumping for joy and unable to wait, I'm just making my way there, and it's great. I am excited, but I can only take one step at a time, and with each hour I am getting closer. It's raining outside and I love it, I enjoy sitting out there for no reason and just listening. I enjoy the loud music in the car. I enjoy the goofy sentences and phrases, and I enjoy everything right now. I am happy with myself. I am happy with life. Working 40 hours a week will at some point get to me, but that's okay. Like I said, it's all just another step. I am also so very relieved to be away from my last job, I'm glad to be away from the negativity that was created just after I put in my notice.

My Mom's making a Chicken Ceaser Salad for dinner, and Clifford's finishing off his essay right now, and I'm sitting here cross-legged and quite pleased with everything. I've got some inspiration. I'm ready to play my guitar. I think I'll do that later on tonight. But now I shall go help my Mom upstairs.

10:35 AM  ()

I am such a rebel. I got myself out of working for the next two days. I have every day until Monday off to (as I told Clifford earlier) relax and bitch about how bored I am. It will be fantastic. Now I'm talking to Fingers, he'll start making fun of me any second now. I'm waiting for it. (Eddie Vedder used to work at a Gas Station...)

The bank better have processed my pay cheque by today. I couldn't use my card yesterday, nothing was there. I should have more than $100 in there, but it wasn't yesterday. It was quite frustrating.

I'm not even going to share the excuse I used in order to get out of work. My Mom and I came up with this awful, awful plan. It worked, none the less. So, I am happy.

RADIOHEAD IS OUT TODAY. I MUST GO BUY THE ALBUM. I HAVE TO. OH MY GOD. Yes. Thank you, Fingers, for reminding me! I am leaving NOW.

8:37 AM  ()

Today, and then tomorrow. Tomorrow's the last day. The last day. Yeah. I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE DOING THIS. Fuck. Fuck right off.

June 09, 2003
12:59 PM  ()

I feel like Cinderella. I found this bandana and I've got it 'round my head tying my hair back. I believe it's my Mom's. I tore off the tag just to see what I'd look like in it. Well, I've had it on all morning, and I spent most of my morning (after talking to Keith on the telephone, I was too lazy to go there) in my sweatpants, t-shirt, bandana, watching television and eating dry cereal whilst groomin' my fingernails. So, I get up after my cheesy early 80's movie ends, and I head to the kitchen. Next thing I know is I'm emptying the dishwasher without being told to do so. And then I'm cleaning the sink, and then I'm cleaning the counters, and the stove-top, and wiping the floor of orange juice I had spilt not even 5 minutes earlier (re-loading the dishwasher). I don't do these things. I'm turning into my Mother. There was something else the other day that I did that reminded me of my Mother and it frightened me... I can't remember what it was. I'm still in the mood to clean, and organize things. I am not an organized person unless it has to do with my written journals. Those are organized perfectly, although there are random pieces of paper all over my room and in my drawers, but those are perfectly organized randomness. I like it like that, alright? I think I'll throw in a load of laundry, maybe... oh christ. I am not allowed to turn into this, am I? Well, just shows to proove that I'll be a neat freak when I move out on my own... well, it's looking that way anyhow. And just to let my Mom know I did these things I wrote a note and left it stuck to the top of the counter for her to see. If I had not written that note, she wouldn't have noticed. This house is spotless most of the time, yet she still cleans everything at least twice a day.

And I'm listening to Compulsion's "Domestique", what a perfect song for this mood. It's all about fucking cleaning. "In my house, in my home, squeaky clean, disinfect everything. What is that? Egh. Run around, everything, underneath, breeding now, see them breed, I can see, I can see, disinfect everything. Look at that! Egh. It's in the kitchen! It's in the water! My kids will get it!" Ah, it's too bad that I don't have any kids, because then this song would totally reflect my mood right now. "I can't stop, I can't stop, grow and grow, taken over, got to win, got to clean!" This song will still always remind me of my Mother.

I think I've lost my mind. Ooh, good idea. I'll listen to the Pixies and clean my bedroom. (P.S. Haloscan, I hate you, you're such a bitch. You whore.)

June 08, 2003
10:41 PM  ()

listening to: Janes Addiction, "Just Because"

I seem to be messing a lot of things up lately. Spelling "by" wrong, oh, and getting the dates wrong entirely for my flight. Actually, that wasn't my fault at all. Ha, that was Tango's fault. July was confirmed by me and the girl I was talking to, but the itinerary (which wasn't caught by me, but by Clifford, thankfully) said June. Oh, how great that would have been, BUT how bad it would have been as well. His Mom's so cute. She called to let my parents know that it would be a-okay for me to head out in June anyhow, haha. I'd be leaving in two days. God damn, that would be awesome. Oh, if only it were possible at the moment.

Wednesday is my last day at DT'Z Diner. Do you know how happy this makes me? Oh, this makes me very happy, indeed. Ugh, and they were supposed to send me the new itinerary tonight, and of course it's not here. Christ. I'll have to call them tomorrow when I wake up before I go visit Keith. And yes, I have the day off tomorrow. How great is that? Very great.

I think I'm finished here for now. I might write some more pointlessness later on tonight.

Ha, but before I go: Sorry, Clifford, for that whole mishap. It wasn't my fault, but it probably wasn't fun phoning back and forth with my parents.

3:41 PM  ()

I wonder who I'm working with tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. I should be on my way there right now. Actually, I should have left 10 minutes ago. Meagan tells me to walk out, Clifford tells me to walk out, I want to walk out, my Dad says walk out, my Mom says I need the money, I say I need the money, and I say I don't want to upset them. But I've already worked my two weeks already. What the hell is this?

June 07, 2003
10:44 PM  ()

Yeah, I left that all-ages show again today, too. Sean looked at me funny when he saw me there. "You, at an all-ages show?" It was horrible, but Kyla and I had a great time walking up to 7-11 and eating our food and drinking our orange juice. We ended up back at her place where we layed on the floor playing with her rabbit. I want a rabbit. Maybe I'll get a rabbit instead of a cat. Rabbit's are so much cooler. Mind you, a little orange kitty... Oh, I can't decide. I don't have to right now anyhow. I probably won't end up with any sort of pet at all until years from now.

He surprised me tonight. I didn't think I would hear from him. It was late when he called, on his side of the country, at least. Ah. It was so nice to hear his voice. He makes a long day worth it. He makes every day worth it.

Kyla, remind me to bring Donnie Darko the next time I'm on my way out to see you, which will hopefully be soon. Kyla is supreme.

4:23 PM  ()

Absolute boring day at work. I smoked 0.25 cigarettes. It was such a long day. I don't like working on the weekends very much. Ah, it's so warm and nice outside. My feet are killing me, as are my knees. I'm a bit of a wreck right now, but I can't wait to sit out in the shade and allow the sunlight to only hit my legs in order to warm them up a bit. Not too long, though, we don't need any burns this year. Agh, gross.

I'm debating on whether or not I'm going to meet up with Colleen tonight in the lounge at work. Sacha (yes, I've finally figured out how to spell her name properly) wanted me to come down there tonight as well, but she wants me to get drunk with her. I don't want to get drunk. Ah, if I decide to go, I'll have a beer and get my Dad to pick me up an hour later or something, but... as of right now, it's not looking like I'll be going at all. I'm leaning towards the 'not wanting to go' part more than the other.

I had a nightmare last night. It was quite strange, and then I realized why I had it. Because of the book I'm reading (A Prayer For Owen Meany). It was Owen's fancy little 'Angel of Death' that was terrifying me in my dream. It wasn't me, I was a little girl, and my Mom was divorced (much like the John Wheelwright character's Mother) and she re-married (much like John Wheelwright's Mother). Oh, it was strange. I wanted to post it earlier, but Blogger wouldn't allow such things like that this morning. So I posted it up on my livejournal just for the satisfaction of posting it somewhere. So, if you know the address to that, you can go read it.

Okay. I hurt. And I want to fry up some Perogies. Oh, man, with onions. And sour cream. Mmmm. I'm sold.

June 06, 2003
8:56 PM  ()

The movie Vanilla Sky, I have just realized after watching it the second time, really freaks me out. It actually scares me. I'd love to go into all the reasons as to why, but I must sit and reflect for a few moments and then forget all about it.

11:20 AM  ()

No one's home. My Aunt Eileen kept calling the house, finally she left a message. I pretended I was sleeping. My Mom started her radiation today. I think they're home now. Uh, let's go get the story.

- Nope, not yet. Not until Noon. Agh. Weird.

June 05, 2003
11:17 PM  ()

Today was a big ball of bad, except for my evening. I had Cli... oh, that's too funny. Of course, you regular readers should know exactly what name I was about to type there. Anyhow: I had Craig and Ash over, and we rented "Ghost Ship". Oh, what a bad movie, but we won't go any further into that. The movie was free because I just signed up for my own membership with my two pieces of ID (that I didn't think I had at all). So, I had enough money for food afterwards and Pita Pit was the solution to that one. I was actually quite angry about it at first, they had a new guy help me, it was his first day. He made it so sloppily and I was just not pleased. Ah, tasted good anyhow, and that's all that matters I guess. I just... I know it's hard being a 'trainee' and everything (I have that experience as well) when customers are getting impatient, but it's not that I was impatient, I just don't like being stuck with the one who doesn't know what they're doing. You know what I mean? Especially when they're making my food. Gosh, the insanity. Psht. Or maybe I'm just an asshole.

I really have to call Tango airlines and have them re-send my itinerary, I'm becoming far too annoyed no longer knowing the exact times and all that business. Plus, they don't do all that insurance stuff, so we need the itinerary in order to get me some of that action. This happened last time. They never type my e-mail address right. I spell it out maybe 5 or 6 times, and then finally they've 'got it'... oh, but I never recieve this fantastical e-mail I am expecting. I feel like such a knob calling back and saying "uh, you know, uh, I didn't get your electronic itinerary e-mail thing... can you re-send it?" Followed by a long sigh and just one question: "What's your booking code?" And then I proceed to ruffle papers looking for this code that I could have sworn was right in front of me. You know what, I should call there now, I have the piece of paper right in front of me now. Oh, but that phone's upstairs, and I could... ugh, I'll do it tomorrow. The procrastination!

My cell phone is dead, until tomorrow morning. My feet are absolutely freezing, as are my fingers. Good conversation had tonight with 'the boy over there', the one I hold closest to my heart. He really has a thing for 'pushin' the buttons' with me, though, and he gets me wound up pretty quick. I know he's proud of that. Oh, I know this.

Debating on what I should do with myself for the rest of tonight. Probably watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch. Ah, waking up in the closet is always interesting. Yes, I did that today, the sun light peeking through my blinds was far too much light for my poor eyes and brain to handle. The back of my head would start to throb like crazy and I couldn't escape from it even with the blanket over my head. So, for some odd reason, my dog and I decided to venture into the closet and sleep on that nest of clothing that's piled up on the floor. It was so awesome. I think I left my pillow in there... bah, I need that.

Why am I always so paranoid? The guitar is out, and it's sprawled across the couch beside me. I can not have that thing resting that way at night, strings up, all ready to be plucked and capable of making the loudest noise. I'm not saying I will be tempted to do this, but all the insane things my mind creates that lurk around in the dark may think it as a great idea. Can't have that. These mind creations that I've had since I was really fucking little can't lift things up, can't use anything if it's not 'useful'. They could throw a pen into my eyesocket or somewhere else painful, but only if it were laying there out in the open, hazardous. Clifford, your girlfriend is crazy. But honestly, it's okay, I promise. I know these things don't exist, but I go crazy if I don't put anything sharp or anything that can make noise away so that it's just no longer a possibility. I just can't have that. Oh, boy, I really am quite strange, aren't I? Oh well. Goodnight. Movie time. After I put this guitar 'face-down'. Oh, and this pencil in the drawer...

June 04, 2003
5:04 PM  ()

music: Lovage, "Sex (I Am)"
I can't get over those pathetic flowers I drew in 'paint' for the background. They make me laugh so much, I love them.

I suppose everything's sorted out at work. I'm finishing my last week there, and then that'll be settled. They turned it all around on me, basically told me I was making situations up in my head and that none of it really happened that way. They're psychotic. I felt like I was talking to 2 Ryan Warkentin's at the same fucking time (the whole telling me that I've got something wrong with me and I don't know what I'm talking about when I happen to remember everything quite clearly). Psychotics!

This song, at one point, it just reminds me of something Clifford says all the time. He thinks the sounds a man makes whilst having sex are the most disgusting sounds in the world. The man in this song keeps singing (in such a masculine voice) "I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man," and the woman's saying "I'm a slut, I'm your babe, I'm a dream divine," "I'm a teaser, I'm a virgin, I'm a one night stand, I'm your drug, I'm your slave, I'm a hooker, I'm a bitch, I'm a little girl," etc. The man sounds so dominating, and the girl sounds like a fucking butterfly - she's all over the place. It's quite a strange song. Anyway, the man's voice and his line "I'm a man" reminds me of what Clifford always says. That's where I was heading.

What an awful day, again.

June 03, 2003
3:19 PM  ()

the fucking pity dollar.
I never want to go back to that awful place again. Today was it, that was it. Leslie, you're two fucking faced, you old hag. I was crying like a fucking baby and hanging on to my Mom not even ten minutes ago because of the way you treated me today, because of the way I didn't think you would treat me. I haven't done that in years, I haven't let someone get to me so fast in fucking years. Lola was angry with you because you told her I was losing all my ambition. Lola was angry with you because of the way you were treating me, and giving me shit every two seconds. Gene's doing the same thing, are you two in cahoots or fucking what? Yeah, I'm leaving, and now I'm fucking glad I'm leaving, you selfish two-faced gits. A fucking pity dollar. Yeah, I came out of there yesterday with $10 from tip-out, and today, I came out with $2.27, oh plus the 'pity dollar', making it $3.27. And you want me to work tomorrow, don't you? I'm throwing this pity dollar on the counter when we're alone and I'm telling you I don't want it, I don't need it. I can't believe I was in tears over this, I was so angry that I burst into tears. I haven't let someone make me feel so small since I was in Elementary school.

And yes, now I'm going to go buy a pack of cigarettes with the money that is already mine. Oh, you bitch.

8:08 AM  ()

A girl I actually can't stand just wrote this somewhere, in consolation to a girl with a broken heart, and I found it very good. "no man is worth your tears...and the one who is, will never make you cry."

Eh? That's good, hey?

June 02, 2003
11:23 PM  ()

The most frustrating part:

Knowing the sadness is there, and the anger is there, and you're not able to do anything to help it pass. All I can keep saying is that I love him, and I love him some more. It's like standing at the edge of a crowd, way in the back, as they all watch something tremendously horrible happen without doing anything about it. And you're trying to reach over everybody's shoulders and they're not budging, they're too interested in the scene occuring ahead. Even if it's the slightest upset that he experiences, it drives me absolutely insane when I can't be there to touch him or look at him. This is the most frustrating part. That is the most frustrating part.

5:59 PM  ()

"I swear to God, my life was over."

I don't eat with my parents very often at all. I wonder sometimes if that hurts them, or upsets them in any way. I'm not one for table dinners, but there are given exceptions, of course. I just can't stand the sound of people eating, and the fact that I've lived with these two my entire life, and they're the two I've known for my entire life, they're the easiest to annoy me. I can't stand the sound of anyone eating, I usually have to have the television on or some sort of conversation going in order to drown out the sound. But, at our dinner table, when it's just us three and the dog sniffing about around our feet, the talk is all about something I can't throw myself into. Although we always promise not to talk about it, or they promise to, it's about the business. I don't like bringing work home, I don't talk about it much, and it was the same with school. That sort of talk is reserved for breakfast, or a conversation held as you open the door coming home from your place of work. I don't know, I just don't appreciate hearing about something I can't understand. I don't know what they're talking about, I don't know who, or why. That bothers me as well. Anyhow, when I do eat with them I eat as quickly as I can while they're having their little discussion about certain people or certain companies and stand up, thank my Mom for the meal, and then head back downstairs or out of the house. If my kids, if there are any at some point, do that to me when they're in their teens I think I would grow quite offended. But, I won't know until then, will I? It's sort of become a known fact around here, Heather just doesn't eat with Mom & Dad. Whoa, that's kind of strange. That sentence above in italics is kind of symbolic. Egh. Heather's on one end, and Mom & Dad are on the other. Mind you, Mom should sort of be a little more in the middle. Strange, either way.

It's Jenn's birthday today, she's 17, she's off camping with her boyfriend with those cards we bought at "Just For Lovers" on Macleod Trail. Too hilarious. I hope she's having fun. Anyway, that is enough of this nonsense for this day.

4:21 PM  ()

Yes, I did steal this layout from livejournal. Yes, I do change my layout too much. Yes, I did have fun.

Today's already been quite awful. I'm wondering why he's feeling down, and I'm overly bored and quite tired. It's windy outside, and I really don't like it. I have $15.00 to my name, and I'll try to save it. Although that most likely won't work. I'll be able to save it until the weekend, at least. I have 3 days off this week. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I wonder why. Most likely because I'll be leaving soon and they're sort of phasing me out. How sad. Actually, not quite. Yesterday's weather was so perfect and warm, I could have layed outside for hours. Meagan took me to see Finding Nemo last night, and I enjoyed it. What a cute movie. I love the seagulls. I will always think of them as saying 'mine' when I hear them screaming amongst one another in parking lots.

I think I'm going to start counting days now. Only because I'm a huge dork like that and it's just something I have to do.

I'm very conceited today. And I really have no reason to be. Ha, it's quite funny. And this pack of cigarettes has lasted me 4 days. That's good for me. I'm proud of myself. Oh, so very proud.

9:17 AM  ()

My back is aching so much right now that I want to scream out in order to express the agony. This day looks cold and gloomy, and I know for a fact I'm going to be miserable (whether I hide it or not) at work today. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my moodiness hidden from the customers.

I look branded. I wonder if it will scar.

9:11 AM  ()

Joey said this should be working now.