2:23 PM  ()
anxiety at extremes.
So, the first person around here who proves to me they actually give a shit about me and knows about what I'm going through right now, and offers a few smiles and good conversations and incredible support, gives me her phone number. And the fact that she's more than likely in her 30's and the caregiver of my Mother for 4 hours each day (her job is to be there for the entire family if need be) makes my Father flip out on me and immediately makes him suspicious of her. This immediately makes him think she's trying too hard and all this other bull shit. I hate him right now. The first fucking person to prove to me their sincerity here in this fucking province gave me her phone number (and not just to call to get chummy-chummy right away, it's if I need her for anything) and I'm getting in shit for possession. I don't fucking understand it. I'm not a little girl anymore, I don't need any of this protection. I am very hurt, and I am feeling even more cut off and lonely than I felt in the beginning. I have someone wanting my friendship (and I hers) in one hand, and a fuming Father with many defenses running high in the other. I understand his concern, but where does all this anger come from? And he expects me to talk to him about what's going through my head? Fuck this. I'm shutting myself off for a few days.

12:17 AM  ()
forgive me, sometimes.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm all fucked up sometimes, and I'm sorry.

July 30, 2003
7:23 AM  ()
i'll make many promises.
Last night was the most frightening night alone in my entire existance. I don't know what happened. I was laying in my bed, staring at the wall, listening, and my heart was racing like it never has before. I was petrified. And I won't say of what.


I'm surprised I went to sleep. Anyhow, I work in half an hour. Must do hair, and I really can't wait to come home and shower this afternoon. I really can't wait to rest. My body's been so tired these past few days, I've been doing nothing but sleep on the couch (pretty much). Depression, I guess. That's usually what happens, and not eating properly. I'll get around to fixing all of that when ... I don't know when. Soon.

July 29, 2003
12:05 AM  ()
i'm so mad about you.
Clifford, I have something very exciting and important to tell you.

July 27, 2003
2:45 AM  ()
and i blow kisses. endlessly.




Oh, and this guy's funny. (I cut most of myself out because I look like a big idiot because he's attacking me.)

July 26, 2003
8:38 PM  ()
drive me into that post right there, thanks.
I just remembered part of my dream last night, or what it was about at least. I watched a movie last night with Stuart Townsend (the only thing that kept me from bursting into tears last night, that man is one sexy-sexy fella) & Courtney Love. I am not a big fan of Courtney Love at all, and I think she's the only singer I really don't like yet I know the lyrics to a lot of her songs. Anyway, in my dream, Courtney was almost taking care of me. I had my head resting on her leg and we were talking, and she was stroking my hair like I was something of 5 years old. I asked her how Francis Bean was, and "how do you do it?" kind of question. Meaning, how does she keep this girl so far away from the media. I love it. It makes me very glad to know that Courtney keeps her away from all of that insanity. Anyway, it was strange, and I then I woke up at some point. I don't remember the rest of the dream, I'm sure it was stupid and strange.


Yes, Stuart Townsend. Yumm.


Uncle Terry arrived yesterday (Aunt Mary's husband), and I guess he's staying wit h us. They've gone for a few days, which I find just excellent. Mom, Dad, and myself are so much more comfortable now. It's really nice to have the house to ourselves to be able to spend time together as the usual three rather than having a gazillion other family members around. There's too many people in the house now, staying here. None of us really agree with it, but it's alright. They haven't seen each other in almost two months now. I'm glad they're together. Aunt Mary isn't strange anymore, she's much happier.


There's apparently a 'severe weather warning' happenin' round these parts. They're talking about tornado's, but I think it passed us already. It's been nice all day, but the black patch that looked kind of scary off to the side of town has disappeared off east. So, we're hoping the next broadcast will be letting us know it's given us the finger and went elsewhere. Weird. I'm feeling much better than I did this morning. I felt bad when I was talking to Clifford earlier, I wasn't very happy. That must be more than annoying when I don't say anything. Ha, someone reached my site from using "spider bite" in the search bar. I went to google and decided to look up my boyfriend, and I found a bunch of old sites where he posted up tablature. I haven't laughed like that since I left Ontario, a very giddy laugh. Haha, I thought it was so cute. He makes me smile.

12:49 AM  ()
where are you?
"Would you trade me for more of yourself when it's silent?
Try not to give too much so you won't grow tired.


And I knew you, the good and the bad. the days I recall being wonderful.
And I lost you, because I held it back.
Please tell me that everything will work out fine.


Pictures taken fast, the proof that I've known you,
in albums stuck to bleach. But memories they'll keep.


And I love you, the good and the bad. the days I recall being wonderful.
And I lost you, 'cause I held it back.
Please tell me that everything will work out fine.


And I loved you, the good and the bad. The days I recall being wonderful.
And I lost you, 'cause I held it back.
Please tell me that everything will work out fine.


If this is the last dance, then may I have it?"

July 25, 2003
10:46 PM  ()
this div table is really making me angry.
I'm bored, I'm bitchy, and I'm not very tired. I'm worried, I'm quiet, and I think I'm going to go take a bath to calm down or something. I feel off, I don't feel right. My feet are cold, I'm longing for a conversation (with anyone, right now) but I don't know who to call. It's too late to call anyone. I talked with Tom Brown for an hour or so earlier this evening, we had quite a few laughs when I was in a better mood. I think a lot more at night than I do during the day. I tend to occupy my mind easier during the day. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this 'problem'. I'm quite sure.


It's so dark outside. There's no moon light or anything, that's not comforting at all right now. I'll have to do something about that (meaning probably go sit outside and get used to it, and bring my disc-man out with some cheesy tunes to listen to). It feels so late, and I mean early morning late. I feel like I've been awake for days. I look like it as well. No good, no good. Alright, that bathtub is now screaming my name. Must relax.

9:55 AM  ()
my land, my feet.
I work another 2-10 shift tonight, and I'm suspecting it's going to be just as long as yesterday's shift. I am not looking forward to that. I have a headache. And 'Reality Bites' is playing on the television, I'm not really paying too much attention to it. I have no cigarettes left, so I'm going to try to stay away from them today. I have no money, either. This is a very, very bad thing. A very bad thing.


Wait a second, doesn't she end up with Ben Stiller anyways? Is that how you spell his last name? Bah, I don't care. What? But whatshisface was mean to her. What the hell. Oh well. (Ignore that.)


Nice, the credits are flying past the screen and Lisa Loeb is playing during this. Excellent. Great taste in music the people who created this movie have.


Last night was awful. I'm not expecting today to be any better.

July 24, 2003
1:41 PM  ()
so many visits, so much quiet.
A sigh of relief, I suppose. For me, for unknown reasons. Life was absolutely fucking grand for a minute or two not too long ago. I decided to just remember everything good, think about my trip, think about old pictures and good memories and trips to England, and counting pennies.


(Website still under 'construction', or something. Those links may not direct you anywhere for a while.)

8:52 AM  ()
thick-headed, two-faced idiots.
How can one have the perfect smile and get away with having the perfect mind and the only key to my heart? With every passing day together (and this far apart) I fall more and more, deeper and deeper, in love with him. Something I never thought possible, something that baffles me every time I try to explain it to someone or even myself. I really like it when someone says they are amazed by our willingness for this long distance relationship, I really do like that. Most people end up saying something negative and stupid, things people should keep to themselves.

I'm awake fairly early. This is good. I want to start this routine (whether I'm working or I have the day off) where I wake up in between 7 or 8:00 AM, and am in bed (latest) by 12:00 AM. So far it's been 1:00 or 2:00 AM (seeing as I'm used to staying up until 4:00 AM from my trip, and because of the time zones that is 2:00 AM here). I will win this. And of course, I've said it before, and I've meant it every time... I'm going to try quiting smoking again soon. I don't really want to quite yet. I'm continuously disgusted by the things, and sometimes can't finish an entire cigarette, but I still don't want to give it up just yet. This does not go over well with your body when you just up and quit. I'll do it. I promised Mom (and myself) I wouldn't be a full-time 50 year smoker. Heh, I remember Clifford scaring me with that. "Heather, I really want you to quit." Why? "Because." I remember him saying something about really wanting me to quit now because he could see me smoking for the rest of my life if I didn't. He's probably right. Actually, he is right. If I don't quit soon I probably will never want to kick the disgusting habit and die of a black lung when I'm 30. Wonderful.

The heat here in Alberta has been absolutely in-fucking-sane, I guess, while I've been gone. I got home on the 22nd and almost died as soon as I got home. The heat was exhausting me, I became so tired I thought I was going to pass out a few times. Gross. Yesterday was pretty bad as well. Oh, that reminds me, yesterday was also quite ridiculous when it comes to relatives.

My Aunt Eileen is a twat.

My cousin Karen (Aunt Ei's daughter) is, also, a twat.

My Aunt Mary surprised Dad and I, but that's the second time she's become an idiot and believed a twat like Aunt Eileen and my cousin Karen.

The story:

So, I'm talking on the telephone with Clifford yesterday evening. I'm sitting out front enjoying the shade and listening to him tell me all about his job. The other line goes, it's my cousin Karen. She's all excited to hear my voice, she immediately starts asking me how I'm doing and how my trip was. She then wanted to know everything about 'this boy' I went to see. "So, who is he?" Uh, my boyfriend. "No, no. What's his name?" Etc, etc. Anyway, she didn't shut up and I have no idea how long Clifford waited on the other line for me, but surprisingly he was still there when I switched lines again. Anyway, as Karen and I's conversation was coming to a close (because I asked her if I could get them to call her back), she asked me how my Mom was. "She's doing alright, right now." And then she asked me where my Dad was. I told her that they were both resting.

Ten minutes later, the other line goes again. It's my Aunt Eileen. "HI-YA DOOK, IS YER MUM THARE? HOW'S SHE DOING?" I pull my ear away from the phone and bit and say she's alright, and that she's resting. She asked for my Dad, I said he was resting with Mom. My Aunt Mary had spent the night at her house the night before, and I hadn't seen her in the house at all yet . "Where's your Aunty Mary?" She's not here, I have no idea where she is. I thought she was .. I guess they're not home yet. "Oh. I see. Well, okay, let them know I called. Bye!!" So, I hung up the phone and 5 minutes later my Aunt Mary walks into the room. Clifford thought I was talking to him when I said "Oh! I didn't think you were home!! Aunt Eileen just called, as did Karen. Aunt Eileen asked for you." My Aunt Mary looked displeased. This woman really has to go home now. Or very soon. She's gone strange. Much more strange since before I left for my trip. I don't like that. Anyway, I let Clifford go as soon as my brother and his wife showed up (quite abruptly actually, and I feel bad about that), which was about 10 minutes after I had talked to Aunt Mary.

Jason (my brother) and I went to pick up pizza for dinner, and Tim Horton's Iced Cap's for Mom & Dad. I came home, my Aunt Mary and my Mom are sitting outside. I hand my Mom her food and she looks up and asks me, "Heather, what did you say to Aunt Eileen when she called for me and your Dad?" Uh, I said you guys were resting... "And what did you to say to Karen when she called?" The same thing, why? "It's okay, it's okay. Don't worry about it. It's alright. Nevermind." As my Mom's saying this, my Aunt Mary's looking at me like I've done something wrong. So I rolled my eyes, said "okay, what the hell?" and walked inside. Quite a girly thing for me to do, but not as pathetic as these elder women trying to start family gossipy shit with me. No, that just doesn't fucking float with me. Anyways, it turns out that Karen called her Mom (Aunt Ei) as soon as she got off the phone with me, and because I let her go figured something wasn't right. So, my Aunt Eileen called in order to see for herself. And I also told her that she couldn't talk to my parents. And apparently this is bad, I must be lying. So when my Aunt Mary called her back, my Aunt Mary had seen me on the phone with Clifford, so immediately the CONCLUSION (not assumption) was that HEATHER IS A BIG BITCH AND DOESN'T LET PEOPLE TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE IN THE HOUSEHOLD WHEN SHE IS ON THE TELEPHONE WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND HOGS HER MOM TO HERSELF. This is true, sometimes, but only at night. There's some relatives that call around 11:00 PM when my Mother is sleeping and I'm on the phone... I don't answer the other line in that case. If my parents had been walking around upstairs and awake, I would have had no problem letting Clifford go so that my Mom could talk to her sister. Oh, but this woman, this fucking woman. I can't even count how many times this fucking woman has tried to get the entire James family angry with me. She's the most thickheaded piece of nothing that walks this earth. And I really do despise her and her family (with the exception of one cousin, her son Paul, but even his family's fucked up and strange like her). And I can not wait to tell her to back off, because you don't start this sort of shit while my Mother is ill. No, no you don't. No need for family fued right now. I would love to scream obsceneties at her, but I'm a little smarter than that. I will tell her kindly that even if I was lying, I have every right to tell her that they're not around and try to hog them to myself. I HAVEN'T TALKED TO MY MOTHER ABOUT ANY OF THIS YET, NONE OF IT. And do you want to know why? BECAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE ALWAYS FUCKING HERE. ALWAYS. I think I would be able to accept this properly if I hear it from her at some point. I need to hear it from her, but I will not force it out of her. She's talked to Joey and my Dad about it, and everyone else, but not me. I can't help but wonder why. I'm sure there's a reason, but it's still sort of hurts. I don't understand why she's afraid to talk to me about it, the only one in this family that she shared everything with. My Mom and I talk about absolutely EVERYTHING, but not this. There has to be a reason, there definitely is a reason, but I just don't know what it is. We both want to talk to each other, but when we get the chance there's nothing but complete silence... and that only lasts for 5 minutes anyways because someone ends up walking in the room. I have not had more than 5 minutes alone time with my Mom yet. I have not spent time with her alone, and this irritates me to no end. I'm continuously being told to go be with her, spend some time with her alone. "Okay, I'll do that right now then." And it's... interrupted immediately by a relative. I'm becoming very bitter and angry towards a few of my relatives and the people who continuously call and interrupt dinner or my Mom's sleep because they want to know how she's doing. The relatives that are calling every half an hour to an hour, or maybe 7 or 8 times a day. I understand they're concerned, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Stop rubbing it in her face (and ours) that she's dying, alright? Back the hell off for a bit, you know?

July 23, 2003
4:26 PM  ()
find out.
Turn into robot. Turn into robot. Turn into robot.

7:37 AM  ()
it's too warm here. makes me dizzy.
Awake now. Working in 35 minutes or so. I hope work hours pass by quickly today. I hope they pass by quickly from now on.

I should make a lunch or something. I should go eat something for breakfast. I'm glad my appetite is still there, even just slightly. I'm tired.

I wish I was doing something a little more important with my life right now, like... training horses or something. But, of course, that's something I could never do due to lack of knowledge. Instead I will pump gas! For 8 hours! Huzzah!

July 22, 2003
6:35 PM  ()
hang me like a flower to dry.
Alright, I am now home and I am hating it. But I am glad to be with my Mother, of course. Throughout my entire trip I felt something was weird in the way they would tell me that everything was alright over here, I knew they were faking a few smiles, and something was up. Something was definitely up, alright. I'm glad I know now, for sure.

I want him here, I want me there, I want to go back so fucking badly. He said it was hard to leave me this morning. It was very hard for me as well. A little more obvious on my part (tears and all that chaos), but very hard. I love that boy with all my heart, more than he will ever know. Leaving your best friend, and your lover -even only temporarily- is so devastating to the mind, body, and heart. My head aches to no end, and all I want to do is sleep everything away. I am so angry with my life, with life itself, right now. I'm so angry with all the unfairness I have (and that we all have) had to deal with. I'm whining, but I'm fucking allowed to.

I miss the feeling of warmth I have with all of them, I miss Kat's stories and our conversations so much already. I didn't get to say goodbye to a few (more than a few) people, and I apologize. I'll be back, though, so it's all good.

I'm not dealing with anything very well right now, all I know not to do right now is cry or show any sadness right now around my parents. Bad idea, big bad idea. And I was so angry when I arrived at home and relatives of both families were standing around in my kitchen and backyard. I wanted to see my Mom, I wanted to spend time with her rather than have to listen to all of them crack jokes and make conversation in order to keep any sort of silence occuring and becoming uncomfortable. People I haven't seen in years are arriving. My brother (Jason) and his wife are coming tomorrow evening (just them, thankfully) to visit me. They want to know how I'm doing, etc. He told me he loved me before I hung up the phone this evening, I was a little shocked. I know they care about me and love me as a sister, but I've never heard any of them really... say... it. It warmed me up a bit.

I work 8-4 tomorrow morning, my Dad has an appointment with some people around 11:30 that he has to change because he wants me to come with him. I am not looking forward to this appointment whatsoever. Planning your Mother's funeral while she's still at home, alive and making jokes, disturbs me a fair amount. It does have to be done, though. I think I may just let him go alone, he said that would be fine, but... I'm not sure. I don't know if I should do that to him.

She still wants to be cremated. She still wants to be spread around her Mother's grave. She's said that for as long as I've been alive, and as long as my Dad's been with her. "I want to be with you two, though." Dad told me he replied to her with a "This is what you've always asked me to do, and you'll always be with us anyway, you know that." This is fucked up. This is absolutely insane. This is unreal. This can't be happening.

I must try and keep my job. I need money desperately. Oh, God. My life. It's so ridiculously confusing right now. I did not want to get on that flight this morning. I was so incredibly close to running back through the exit (baggage claim area) and running after Clifford, or jumping in a taxi cab and returning back to Whitby. So incredibly close. I stood there for about 5 minutes just debating it.

My palms are itchy as hell due to nervousness. I am in a bit of a daze, I guess. I need to get out of the house. The car doesn't sound healthy anymore, I believe it needs an oil change seeing as it was due for one a while back. Heh. I haven't had time, nor the money (from Dad, like hell I'm paying for that just yet). I have to fix this car up, it's not that bad, but it does need some T-L-C. Poor thing.

Roads have changed while I've been gone, one just sort of disappeared and turned into this gigantic curvy road. Things change quickly, and it's upsetting. I usually love change, but lately it's just been too much. Way too much.

I'm so devoid of feeling right now, I feel like a mute, and I feel very numb. My eyes sting from keeping them open for long amounts of time, I end up staring at things and forgetting to blink when I'm supposed to. Wow. This is... I don't know what this is.

I feel like I'm fucking dreaming. I'm sleeping. Having bad dream. Very bad dream. Agh, headache. Screen straining eyes. Must leave.

July 20, 2003
11:01 PM  ()
accelerate. stop. life ripped out of chest.
So, the unavoidable is here and I must leave tomorrow morning to hop upon a flight that will take me all the way back to Alberta. I almost wish it doesn't make it, but then I must think of my Mother. "I know you don't want to come home." Of course I don't want to come home. I want to be with her every chance I get but I know as soon as I get home shit is going to hit the fan. Dad will be frantic and mean, I will be working full-time (good for money, bad for wanting to spend time with Mom), I will be extremely pissed off most of the time. Being here with Clifford has made me realise how much I really need him and want him around. Especially now, right now, with the situtation occuring back at home and within my mind every second of the fucking day. I am crying for the first time about my departure right now for this trip. I was outside this evening, and even though it was raining on me, I really couldn't imagine myself anywhere else feeling that comfortable. For fuck's sake, this is where I'm supposed to be, this is where I feel that I belong and I'm continuously ripped from it either physically or mentally.

And I haven't been the best person as of late due to my frustrations, which I hope is understandable (I'm more than sure that it is, but I still feel awful about it), but I do apologize.

Fuck. I am not going to handle this very well at all.

July 17, 2003
12:48 AM  ()
great, great smiles.
I can't seem to figure out why I fall asleep so quickly when I go to bed (or when I decide to) here rather than I do at home (and it's always been like that, not just because of the lack of sleep I've had over the past few weeks at home). I conk out right away, when I decide to.

Worried about: 2 people.
1. Mom. But she's doing fantastic, or so I hear. I spoke with her tonight, she had just woken up, but she seems to be well. Sounding upbeat, still. They haven't contacted her in order to take any tests, which scares the fuck out of me, because that was supposed to happen at the very beginning of the week. I don't know what to think about that.
2. Kyla. She's such a sweet girl. Nothing bad should ever have to happen to her. I just hope she knows I'm always here for her, no matter how far away I am.

Alright, I'll go read and fall asleep in a few seconds now. Toronto galavanting tomorrow, including a Mark Inside show (I believe) at the Velvet Elvis (FUCKING FANTASTIC COFFEE HOUSE, or whatever you would like to call that place).

Honestly, being here makes me hate Alberta with not just a firey burning angry passion, but makes it dead to me. I really can not stand living there. I have two friends, and my parents. That's it, that's all I have, and a job. I hate my life in Alberta. I truly mean that. But not in a way to offend anyone I'm close to, that will not change, and I love those people to bits, but god damn. Being away from there does nothing for me but make me feel far more alive than I ever have been when I'm back home.

July 14, 2003
3:06 PM  ()
rawk the fawk on.
Kat Flynn & Dave Pike are my favourite people.

July 13, 2003
8:52 AM  ()
alright, okay.
He's sleeping, and I finally slept in until at least 10:00 this morning. I'm showered and up and going to wander downstairs any minute now. He says he'll be up at noon. I've woke him up at noon each day that I have been here now and he keeps giving me shit. I don't back down, of course, because I'm mean like that and he should be waking up because I'm only here for 9 more days. He's such a freakin' brat. Haha, he's fun.

Tonight we will be eating at Scott's place. His Mom is putting on a BBQ. I'm not really sure if Clifford wants to come with me, so I'll talk to him about it when he wakes up. I do know he has to mow the lawn at his Dad's house... that's about it. I don't know much of anything else for today. Crazy, I guess.

It's been raining and cloudy every day since I arrived. It look sunny outside. Do I finally get to see some normal hot Ontario weather?

July 12, 2003
6:37 AM  ()
inside connections.
Anyway, I'm here in Ontario now, and I'm absolutely loving it.
I can honestly say I have never seen anyone or met anyone with eyes like his. Ever.

July 09, 2003
9:19 AM  ()
see, i knew it.
I woke up a few times in the middle of the night last night, and it's all due to excitement. I have no idea how many hours of sleep I'll get tonight then seeing as I have to be at the airport at 10:30 tomorrow morning. My flight departs at 11:55, but I like getting their early otherwise I get all frantic and confused. I'll be arriving at Toronto Pearson Airport around 5:40 pm Eastern time. I am so extremely excited and I have to tone it down. Ha, I started getting butterflies yesterday, and I have to control that otherwise I'll vomit or something. Now wouldn't that be attractive? Hi Clifford, *blegh*. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to add another incident of being puked on to your list. People with upset stomachs seemed to be attracted to him at concerts, haha. Too hilarious.

What's on for today? Well, I will get dressed very soon. Around 10:00 I'll help my Aunt Mary with Mom's bed, she's coming home again this afternoon, and hopefully this time for good (except during her chemotherapy, of course). 11:00 - I'm taking off to Safeway to pick up some hair elastics (because I remember I ended up having to ask Kat for an elastic because I pretty much had already lost all of mine, we need none of that this time), and then I'm off to Calgary to pick up Kyla and she's going to come do the rest of the running around with me, and she's allowing me to take her gorgeous beautiful wonderful amazing awesome Camera. It really is all of those things without commas, and so much more. After all of that, I will come home and start packing. Mom wants to help, and she should be home by then, so I'll bring everything upstairs and lay it all out on her bed. I think she just wants to help me fold things, she wants to help out any way that she can. She gets so bored doing nothing. All she really does right now is agree to everything. "Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry. Let's go outside for a smoke. I'm hungry. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah." She's just bored of the place, and I can't wait to get her home. She starts her chemotherapy before I come back, and if there are any complications with anything I will be back at home within a 24 hour period. We have our doubts that this will happen because she's doing so well, but just incase... right? Right.

I better be able to sleep tonight, I'll go insane if I don't sleep tonight. I'm thinking, seeing as I'm of age in Alberta, I might try and buy alcohol on the plane. Just to see what it feels like. Only if they allow me to, though. I have no idea if they will, but there's no harm in trying.

July 07, 2003
2:37 AM  ()
i'll never forget the way he moved.